How Do You Get Over The Past?

I'm not sure if I belong to this group anymore, the doctors have been changing their opinions on me regularly, one day I am bipolar, the next I am a normal girl suffering from depression and anxiety disorder. I am unsure which of the above I am. Still, I know for a fact I went through a manic episode, when I look back on it, it seems obscure and hazy, as if the memories aren't really mine. I did wild things, silly things, mainly I was just hyped up and ready for any adventure, whether it made sense or not, but this episode caused great harm to me. I also battle alcoholism, it was really bad at the time, during this episode I never ate food but only lived off beer. I grew extremely thin. I was lost, even if I thought I was enjoying myself, and people took advantage of me. I found myself awake naked in strange places, no recollection of how I got there..
Ive thought badly of myself, because beforehand, I thought I was entirely responsible for the things that happened, I shouldn't have let it get so far, I shouldn't have drank, I shouldn't have trusted those men.
Still, even if I have made peace with the fact, anyone who is so drunk they can't even walk obviously was not asking to have people do things to them, and though I should've been wiser, I was really sick, and my mind wasn't well at all.
What happened during this episode, eventually led me to the hospital for suicide attempt, I really tried, but when it happened, I woke up and fought against the drugs and chemicals, thinking of my little sister and brother and how they looked up to me, and how I couldnt do this to them.
I spent time in the hospital, where they diagnosed me with bipolar, but now it's been nearly 3 years, Ive been on seroquel since, before so high dosage I couldnt even function normally, now just low enough to help me sleep at night, but now doctors have kicked me out of the system.
They thought when I was happy, it was proof I was well, but I get excited some days and act as if everything is amazing. I do not see how they think, if I am sad one day and happy the next week, it proves I am not in need of care.

Now the past catches up with me, and I can't sleep because it fills my mind, I know I put myself through a long hellish ride, but I can't seem to move past it, it is so dark and brings no happiness to me. I am not angry with anyone but myself, and I am ashamed. So my question is, when you go through an episode, how do you get over it? How do you forgive yourself for what happened, what you did. And how to do you move forward without letting the past bear down on you on sleepless nights?
An Ep User An EP User
Jan 17, 2013