My Experience With Bipolar Disorder

I am Bipolar. I suffer from Depression and experience intense Mania. Sometimes they come one at a time. Sometimes they come back-to-back. Sometimes they come all at once. The Depression side of Bipolar disorder is like wearing earmuffs in a world full of sound. It is a deep cavern of nothingness. I am alone. My mind betrays me. My emotions drown me. More than once, I have wanted to die just to stop the pain. The pain is mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual. The pain compounds the depression and the depression the pain. The depression angers me. I am angry with myself for not being strong enough to fight it. I am angry about my mind for being broken. I am angry with everyone else for being normal. I am angry I have to take medication to fill in the pieces. I am angry I cannot remember. I am angry I cannot understand. I am angry I am in pain. Depression makes me feel outside of everything. This is especially painful because I so badly want to be a part of everything. I am the one who does not belong. I am angry because I am afraid I am dying. Depression is killing me slowly.
Mania. Mania is the best high. I want to fill it all of the time. I am happy. I am invincible. I am at my most creative. All of my talents soar! Mania is like my mind making up for the time, fun, productivity, etc. lost during depression. Mania is like being alive. It is like seeing all of the world’s colors. Mania feels good. Every one of my senses is at its peak. However, mania is fleeting. Mania can last a few moment, hours, or days, but I have never known it to last for weeks or months like depression.
Then there are the times when I experience them both at once. This is a frightening state; second only to deep depression. When I am in a “mixed” state, it is as if my mind is on the verge of a violent explosion and there is nothing I can do to stop it. I cannot think. It is impossible for me to focus on anything, and I am in a rapid cycle of emotion. It is difficult for me to sleep and it is during these times I am most likely to harm myself (outside of depression.) The “mixed” time make me hurt and the migraines are severe. I hate the “mixed” times the most because I cannot predict my own mood or emotion from one moment to the next. I can be elated, the happiest I have ever been in all my life, one moment and then the next I will be angry, hurt, sad, or all of the above. “Mixed” times scare me.
All of this causes me great stress and internal turmoil. Most of the time, I would rather be alone. Not because I think I would or am afraid I might hurt someone else, but because I do not want to be hurt. It is like every nerve in my body is raw and exposed. Also, I do not want to hurt anyone emotionally. People do not understand Bipolar Disorder. They cannot unless they go through it. Therefore, for me, it is better for everyone if I stay away. That is a lonely place to be.
That is my experience with Bipolar Disorder. I wish it would go away. Sometimes I wish I were dying from Cancer. People understand Cancer. They see Cancer. They do not understand or see depression. In addition, Cancer has an end. You are cured, it goes into remission, or you die. There is no such thing with Bipolar Disorder. I am, and probably will, be in therapy and take medication for the rest of my life, but it will always be there. I will always struggle to put my feet on the floor in the morning. I will always battle my own mind. I will always ache, hurt, cry, be angry, be tired, etc. for “no reason.” I will always be Bipolar.
jahsmah jahsmah
31-35, F
5 Responses Jan 17, 2013

Please hang in there. Try to see yourself as unique with special talents.

Oh my , you took the words right out of my mouth that's the story of my life ,stay strong and keep fighting the good fight , i know exactly where your coming from .

This is my life too! I am lonely as well. I'm afraid I'll snap at people. I've already driven everyone in my life away.

I can really relate with what your saying being that I'm bi-polar also. My heart goes out to you for still suffering so much from it. I too have longer bouts of depression, but love the mania. When my meds weren't working right I really struggled. I also had to decide if I would get a med adjustment so the depression wasn't so bad, but then that meant giving up the mania. I chose to prevent severe depression because I could not live at all that way. I also took an inventory of my behavior when I was manic & looked at the consequences I paid. The worse symptom I had was putting myself into dept time & time again. That gets old & it's no fun when you have no more money to cover your basic needs. I pray your able to find a way to be OK. There are also lots of support communities with others dealing with this issue too. Take Care. WM

hi jashmah
I had never heard of " Bipolar disorder before" , but from your words i have understood that it must have been very painful to cope up with it . I always thought that my life was difficult but after reading what you wrote i know now that i was making a fuss of my problems.
I know i cant help you but I'll pray that you overcome it or you get enough strength to bear it. take care...