Marriage, Family, Jobs, And Schooling With Bi-polar Disorder

My symptoms started early, around age 13. I was quickly placed in therapy as I was much different from my twin in this regard. After years of on/off medicine regiments I gave up. Bi-polar disorder was who I was and that was going to have to be alright. After all, my best creative work came when I was manic. I used drugs and alcohol to fill a void and make me feel "less crazy." I had a daughter alone due to my poor choices when not evened out. She saved me and made me want to be healthier. I am now married with another daughter and I have it somewhat together. I have manic episodes more often some years, less in other years. This year is difficult as I have been confronted with infidelity in my marriage. My life is backwards and upside down, so my first thoughts are to take care of everyone else (my girls) before myself. I have to fight this because if I am not well, they won't be either. I am trying to make this work with my husband, but I have felt more crazy now than ever.. due to trying to stifle emotions that I cannot (even medicated.) I want to be a light, to be happy, and to be something people can rely on... but I am far from sometimes. I get angry, so angry I need to hit the wall to let it out. Or so depressed I think of driving off a road when a sad song plays. I get elated, seeing my girls succeed or do something funny. I get completely somber, when I cannot care about anything at all. I know this is supposed to make me stronger somehow, but I am at a loss for the improvement stage thus far. I still hold hope (sometimes) that I can be able to feel everything a little less strongly, a little less openly, and more normally.
jeezysneezy jeezysneezy
26-30, F
Jan 22, 2013