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My Wishes

Letter to my beloved… that she will never get to read.

I feel like a total loser most of the time, like I have nothing to offer. I wish that I could stop these constant conversations in my head and actually have the confidence to speak to people like that in real life… but I don’t. I doubt every little detail of myself. I wish that I didn’t get so nervous that my stomach literally goes into a knot every time I have to speak to someone on the phone. I wish I could answer people’s questions when asked but I can’t because I can’t remember the answer. I wish that I could have intelligent conversations with successful people. I don’t even try because I will just feel stupid.

I wish I didn’t constantly worry about crap but I can’t help it. I wish I could drive a car and be more independent and stop being such an embarrassment to myself because of it. I wish I could slow down my racing thoughts but I can’t, they just keep on getting faster and faster and the ideas just keep on coming. I wish I could stop my constant day dreaming…and my visit’s to crazy land. I wish I could stop fidgeting and tapping constantly lets face it people think it’s weird. I wish I could stop letting my clothes shoes etc lie around all over the place but that isn’t going to happen at least I have great personal hygiene. I wish I would stop seeing these horrible black shapes in the corner of my eyes that fly at me and scare me. I wish I could stop getting delusional and pull my hair out because I am convinced something is walking on my head when nothing’s there. Wish I could stop all my sleepless nights.

I wish I could stop having violent outbursts but honestly they have just become less frequent and less violent with med’s but they are still there. My depression days are less frequent and less severe but some days it’s still there. I wish I could stop hurting and cutting myself, but the urge to do it always comes back…

I wish that I could stop assuming that people are judging me in some way or are thinking horrible things about me when they look at me. I wish I could stop feeling offended about the little things people say but I think I just hear things differently. I wish I could stop blurting things out without thinking because either hurt or offend people…

I wish I could be among strangers without feeling scared or insecure

I wish I was a 29 year old stuck in an 18 year old body but I’m not I am a 18 year old stuck in a 29 year old body.

But I am who I am, love me or not the choice is yours.
Yolanda1983 Yolanda1983 26-30, F 2 Responses Jan 24, 2013

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ah so some can read my thoughts and mind

I can totally relate to this. I wish I had the courage to say this to the people I love. But then again, I always hesitate because I feel like they don't understand. And many times I've proven that they don't.