Messed

My life has been a whirl wind of drama and depression. I was diagnosed as bipolar and borderline PD in the last two years. Just comming out of what seemed to me to be a year long "mixed state". I was good for a month and decided to drop the mood stabilizers and broke up w/ my bf of 2 years. He drug me on in a long distance relationship that was a dead end. It is going on three weeks since the break up and i am dropping.

Im in the military and in alchohol treatment. They were the ones to diagnose me but since i do so well at work still they say i can still stay in the military. Most others w/ these diagnoses are kicked out. The problem is... even though i am doing well at work, i still drink too much and have "questionable" experiences w/ men... basically displaying all the signs to go back on meds.. I don't tell all the truth to my psychiatrist because if i did i would end up in rehab full time and maybe loose my job. I know that if it got too bad i would speak up and say somthing but it is really akward to hear them say ... "your doing well.. not drinking... looking for a rebound...coping". When i know i am not.

But it isn't that bad yet. I do well at work. I do well in other areas. At home it is different. They don't know. I hate being a liar. It is eating me up. But on the other hand i have responsabilities and a career and i won't chance loosing that

LOST27 LOST27
26-30, F
4 Responses Jun 6, 2007

you need to be honest with yourself, and honest with your doctor, and they will help you combat the alcohol problem. They have an oath they took, and your records are sealed. Give them the chance to help you thru this. As you were saying, you're doing good at your job, and they will look at that and know that you ~are~ good, and a good person. You've taken the first step in being able to go and stay with it (the help). Now you have to let yourself give 100% to your recovery and this will help your life and career for the rest of your life.... the bottom line is...it's your life, and your choice

Yesterday was a downer for me. Incredible feelings of inadequacey and inability to cope with life. Then today i remove a problem im scared of causeing me stress, then im not so bad and i regain my power to be content. Is this anything like what you experience. (open question for anyone diagnosed bipolar.)

yes i get like that all to often it sucks huh ? the thing is i get that way for no reason at all it just happens but when stress come's along it's like 10 times worse i have ZERO tolerance for stress .

...thats just like me too. I become a wreck and want anyone else to take on the problem for me. Im not bipolar, but i have had head bangs that are classified as - 'Traumatic Brain Injuries'

I feel bad that you have to lie, I wish that I could hide it from the world. You are doing what you need to do to survive. But please take care of yourself.

Yuck! Mixed states... they suck! I know how that is.... I will be on mood stabilizers for so long that I will think I am just a normal person and slack off on taking them and then BOOM! I'm psycho again!