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Acceptance

I am a diagnosed BiPolar II. And also dual diagnosis with many other associated types of dissorders, anxiety-panic-border personality-etc.

 

 I was diagnosed at 16 but went off meds at about 18. I am now 31 and only last year have sought help for these issues. Am still a run-away coaster half the time and my manic phases are rapid and harsh, usually leaving me exhausted and bottomed out for days in the aftermath of the cycles. making it hard since I am now a mother of two.

The birth of my second daughter 14 months ago is what made me finally seek help from someone and something else than my own self medication. Have been hospitalized on 3 occasions this year alone.

I hate waking up everyday and never knowing exactly who I am goin to be today. Or for the next few minutes for that matter. Its just vicious and seemingly never ending. I personally have not been able to come to terms with it all. I know whats happening, and understand it, but not really wanting to believe that I am that ****** up. 

I also know that I inherited this from my father and mothers sides of the family. My father committed suicide 5 years ago due to his untreated illness and this is my biggest fear for myself. What keeps me going.... my children. And knowing the pain of having a parent give up on life and not being there for them in thier lives. Leaving them feeling that they werent worth fighting for and not enough of a reason to continue on. I dont want to ever be that selfish. Or allow this thing to over take me and win.

So I guess slowly and steadily I will continue to do what I can to accept and deal with my cycles on a daily basis. Even if its a minute by minute battle.

KarmaKatcher KarmaKatcher 31-35, F 15 Responses Jun 18, 2007

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Yes, please hang on. The medications can be harsh but as long as I take mine I can live and even hold down a job.

Try leaning on family if you can. My mother and son have become my best friends. My sister is learning to accept me. I try really hard to stay positive. I also have fibromyalgia so depression hits me double hard. I always look for humor, it helps so much.

I have attempted suicide multiple times and have done so because of selfish reasons such as self pity and grief, etc. Don't beat yourself up too much and just try to keep a positive mindset (easier said than done). I am sure that you will pull through.

I know that feeling. I was diagnosed just in may with bi polar two and three as well. my cycles are rapid. I never know how I will feel about something one min to the next. I was on meds for a few months and then went off. When things get very bad, the thought of "I wish life had and "I quit" button" starts to occur. Coping skills are the best thing to learn to help you through your worst moments. They tell me i self medicate and I will be the first to say that i really do. Im an acholoic as well. I suppose I dont want medicine to control how I feel I want to be able to control them on my own. But I dont have kids or a husband. Hold on to what you have and they will always be there. Love your kids and know everyday your kids are your blocks to keep you here on this earth. to be here for them. I have neither and some days the hardest part is finding the block to keep me here.

If you consistently take mood stabilizers,I personally feel your life will improve by leaps and bounds.

I never believe what people say about me and my writing until a day like today comes and it does frequently and I read what I commented on no matter where any support group facebook or in my journal I am so amazed with my comments and want to say thanks for the support insight and understanding I never remember what I write but some of it is so good that is the only word I can think of But it is no wonder I write blogs etc I am seeing a side of myself that I never knew and am happy at what I see I may have made this comment before but it keeps coming back to my mind I hope what I have to say can influence someones life the way my writing has improved my quality of life and quality of life is what it is all about living a life that is worthwhile with a purpose

I'm glad you shared your story KarmaKatcher its the first step to being supported. I feel all of us need to support each other. When one of us is down and others can help out it is good for all of us. Its a minute at a time now that's ok. Please keep posting I am glad to listen.

Thanks for sharing. I'm really sorry about you dad. But HANG IN THERE. It's a everyday battle. I suggest you find a great therapist. And when they find the medications that work for you. It should get a little easier. I, myself is still learning about being Bipolar also. So, If you ever need a friend. I'm always here.

A friend diagnosed bipolar recommended I read "An Unquiet Mind." It is a sympathetic view of bipolar from both the medical and human sides. I'd recommend it for anyone trying to understand it. If you don't have it, you'll never know what it's like, but this is a good intro.

I am also bipolar and cycle at least once a day......I was manic for 2 weeks then I had a really bad night.....I crashed last night.....I usually keep things to myself so I don't burden everyone else.....Of course it's much worse when I don't take my meds....I have no short term memory and I'm also ADHD and OCD and I have 5 kids......16, 14, 11, 2, and 11mo......I often feel overwhelmed especially since my husband is in the Navy and my kids keep me going as well.....I also feel that it's selfish and don't want to put my kids through that.....I am sorry you had to experience that first hand......The thoughts don't go away though and that's what I struggle with.....I definitely know what you're going through......It is very hard and sometimes it's minute by minute.....Just keep it up...Kids are worth it.....

Sounds like a rough road. Do you have support systems to help you. My son is in the Air Force and just came back from Irac. My daughter-in-law found out she was pregnant just before he left. I stayed with her for a few months to help out. Their friends and the people he worked with were great. They helped each other out a lot.

Not really......I have a few really good friends on here but so far that's about it.......I just started going back to church so maybe that will help......I have a problem asking people for help.......I just don't want to bother anyone......

{hugs} My daughter keeps me going as well.

My children keep me going to.

I Can't tell you I know how you feel because I don't. I can tell you I understand the pain you feel in the bipolar ups and downs. Used to be only downs for me. 5 hospitalizations in years past. Deep scars on my arms from harming myself to the point of almost death one time. I stopped for the sake of my kids but continue to stop for the sake of myself. If you find a good Dr who gives you the right meds that work for YOUR body, life can be a much, much happier place. A very good therapist is a life saver too. For every moment you are happy is a moment to be grateful for. As you strive to go forward for YOURSELF, and all those happy moments become 5 then 10 then 30 then hours, your kids will benefit naturally from that. The trickle down effect I like to say. Put yourself first. Selfish is selfless in this situation. Remember that. The very, very best of luck to you. So sorry about your dad.

how scary is this..... i was browsing your stories cos i loved your jokes and felt you must think the same as me. I was only looking for jokes though. And i'm me all the time.

er... I can only say um "i hope your day is a good one"

No matter what always hold on to anything that will keep you trying to get better. You sound like you have so much strength in you but I sometimes hear doubt, I hope you overcome it all. You seem like a very special person with so much to give, keep trying and you will get there. Kudos.

I have found some things that work for me when the meds dont and I am aware of it I write I study I do do do and I try to keep my mind occupied while I am on the down side When I am up I do but try to limit the amount of time I spend doing everything When I feel the drive building up I try and that is all anyone can do I try to communicate it to the doctor I just had an episode induced by the medication she gave me at mega doses which they always do and I messed up but this time instead of blaming myself I put the blame where it should have been with the docotor and 2 casemanagers who never saw the symptoms until I did and told them so Why place the blame on yourself it is the medications that sometimes just ***up You can Live Bipolar as I call it being aware every minute of the day is the answer and to just try your best