Maybe This Is Whats Been Wrong...

Not sure what to write really.

I have been diagnosed with; depression, anxiety-panic disorder, ptsd, borderline personality, and now took a screening for bipolar where I checked yes to everything. I've had two therapists tell me they think I'm bipolar. Not to mention all of my close friends, not that they're licensed therapists.

I guess I have the usual cocktail of things.

I was physically abused by my father as a toddler, to the point of needing retinal surgery at age five. I was then adopted by my grandparents. Was fine until I began being sexually molested by my youth pastor and every other teenage guy at church at the age of 13. This went on for 2 years. Began cutting and completely hating myself. Entered into a very abusive relationship at 16. Left him at 18, but was worse then I was before. Went off to college and there continued my life of pretending to be fine. Broke down at 19(I'm 21 now) and began therapy for the first time. Therapy seemed to just make me worse by bringing everything that was inside of me out. Spent a week in the hospital in 2006. Took myself off my meds cause I hate taking pills. Had to quit therapy last fall because I was kicked off my medical insurance and was kicked out of school, which is where I was going for therapy.

Last week I think it was(these past few weeks I'm having trouble remembering what month it is let alone the day or week) I went to a local counseling center and went through intake. Now I'm just waiting for them to call me and set me up with a therapist. It will be a month or more before I can see a doctor to put me on meds.

I'm hyper at the moment, and feeling extremely paranoid. I wanna go have a smoke but I don't like it when people walk by and look at me, makes me angry. I don't know why. I don't know whats wrong with me. Maybe nothing, maybe I'm normal and everyone else feels the same way I do, they just don't tell anyone. The only way to not be diagnosed with something is to not talk about your thoughts. I believe everyone is crazy to some extent. Not that being bipolar is crazy, thats not what I'm saying. Just talking about the stigma thats placed on it.

Oh heck, I'll shut up. I'm just rambling now.

EDIT: I was finally diagnosed bipolar in July. So now, its offical
silverlining silverlining
22-25, F
2 Responses Jun 25, 2007

I understand. Not sure if this is going to be comforting or not...but that's not normal. Not everyone feels that way. I have!! But a lot of people don't. And, I don't anymore. I hope you can find a way to not feel that way anymore, too. Keep me posted--been there, done that, would love to offer advice, if I can.

Wow.....did I write that and totally forget that I did???<br />
Seems so familiar. Scarey even.<br />
I feel and have lived your life....basically.<br />
Need a friend ...hit me up. For sure, you arent alone.