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A Short Narrative of a Manic Episode

 

 

I was walking up to my high school’s football field as all of the school stood in the bleachers waiting for me but I had come up from behind to where the cheerleaders and dance team were. I remember one girl yelling, “Hey Scott!” from the bleachers and then another girl saying, “Look, smile!” A third girl had run up to me at the point to take a picture of me with her camera. Before she did, I looked to my left and saw my girlfriend at the time and she said hi to me very excitedly and my body filled with warm joy and excitement. It was a rush. Quickly I looked back to the camera and smiled. The flash blinded me for an instance and within that half a second I had realized that I was in fact dreaming. When I looked back to my girlfriend I realized she was actually now my ex-girlfriend. A dark wave of depression swarmed my insides. Once lucid I realized she had just broken up with me a few days before. At that moment I wished to die. And I did. My body, my soul started to fall down to the grass but fell through to an abyss of brief darkness to which I then woke up to my body feeling dead as I was sprawled out on my basement couch. This dream, I believe, is what induced my month-long episode of mania.

            The week before this dream I had been suffering greatly from depression. I had been very sick for almost a month with bronchitis and congestion. I eventually tested positive for mononucleosis after a painful trip to the ER resulted in a blood test. I had been in excruciating pain for days because of a severe sore throat. The pain was unbearable. I couldn’t sleep or eat. The pain had been radiating into my jaw and my tongue. It was absolutely miserable. When I told my girlfriend that I had mono her response to me via text was “…” Dot, dot, dot. It didn’t make her too happy with me I guess. She broke up with me 3 days later. What a ***** right? Yes, but I loved her and could not get over her. This was the main reason for my depression. I was lonely and ill. Distraught, I was on the verge of losing my sanity. I did soon thereafter.

            During this same week, my best friend of 12 years told me he was going to be sent away to a residential hospital for 4-5 months with contact only through letters. So, I lost my girlfriend, best friend, and physical/mental health within one week. Mono of course made me miss school for a month so I also lost my chance for an advanced diploma. I was about to lose my future. These events that caused me to lose everything I loved. I cherish all memories before this point because after these events I lost yet another item of mine, my mind.

            I might’ve well been on acid for 30 days. I was hallucinating. I was hearing voices. My writings appear to be schizophrenic. I spent all my money in one week, an entire grand wasted. I could see TV in 3-D, I thought I could walk on water, I thought I could time travel, and I thought I would be able to fly. Very late in my episode I truly believed that I was the second coming of Jesus Christ and that I was going to save the world. These are some of the things at the top of my head that I remember doing. I don’t remember much. This might sound unrealistic but I assure you I believed these things 100%. I was convinced I was a super being, a super hero. I spent days upon days trying to time travel. It felt like being in a movie. It was like being high on life. I was manic. I know it’s hard to believe, but all of these things became my passions. I felt destined to acquire these abilities and my explanation for everything was that I was stuck in a dream. I woke up that day believing I was still in a lucid dream. And for the next 30 days I lived like it.

            The first thing I remember doing is taking 3-D glasses, a toilet paper roll, and my Ipod and getting high of staring at the rainbow that appeared when I looked through the 3-D eye tube I had made. I then laid on the ground for several hours staring at the ceiling light as I tried different combinations of going cross-eyed. I got high of going cross-eyed over 100 times. Even today going cross eyed still fascinates me. At one point I was in a parking garage and when I went cross-eyed I hallucinated a field around my car. Another significant hallucination I had was when I watched TV. I would see everything in 3-D. Even cartoons and pictures too. I remember going to the mall and being astounded that the weatherman was popping out of the screen as I walked by. One thing I tried to do many times was making water appear on my glasses using my eyes. I would also try to bend light and melt water bottles. I spent a lot of my time on my deck just staring into the sun and smoking cigarettes. I got very addicted to cigarettes during this time, a pack day and now I can’t quit. I also smoked a lot of weed. I wasn’t in school so I would just be high a lot. But, I didn’t smoke anything for the first week of my mania because I was naturally high already. I was oblivious to why.

            One day I went to school during my manic episode and I ended up writing a 25 page had written essay on why one equals zero, 1=0. I called this the equation of faith. I believed that numbers were all limits and that language was not capable of ever representing the concept of infinity properly. To me infinity is a belief, not a number. I believed that I had broken a barrier into the spiritual realm by proving 1=0. This was another explanation I gave to myself for why I was feeling these new feelings. I believed that I had crossed over.

            To be mentally insane temporarily and then going back to normal is called the slip back into reality. This occurred when my psychologist and psychiatrist convinced me that I was not in a dream. I didn’t believe them for a while until one day it hit me. I then became depressed again for a week or so, but then back to hypomanic. This is when I was diagnosed bipolar. Within a year I had been diagnosed with anxiety disorders like panic disorder and OCD and then I was diagnosed ADHD. I am currently on 6 different prescribed medications yet I still have minor panic attacks every day and I struggle with ADHD constantly.

            Each Medication I’ve tried and/or am on currently has been a drug experience for me. Zoloft was the first prescribed medication given to me for my anxiety problems. It took 2 weeks to kick in but I remember being at work when I felt a buzzing feel for no apparent reason. I felt it again the next day and that’s when I realized that I also felt more confident and relaxed. I became high on life for weeks following because of my new found level of happiness from the Zoloft. As I built a tolerance for it and got used to it my prescription went from 20 mg to 50 mg to 100 mg. By that amount the drug started to have negative effects on me. I had mild to severe night sweats almost every night for 1-2 months. I also acquired anorexia nervosa which led to me losing 15 pounds and I puked in my backyard almost every night. I was skinny and unhealthy looking. After my doctors put me down to 75 mg of Zoloft I started to reverse the damage. I never gained the weight back because at that that time I was diagnosed with ADHD and was put on adderall. I was having major problems with sitting still for a long time. I was squirming all the time in my chair and everyone that’s had a class with me knows I bounce my legs during class from start to finish. My problem with my legs is now possibly a neurological movement disorder. By others it’s simply called “sewing machine legs”. So, they put me on 20 mg of adderall which later became 30 mg. I noticed the buzz the first days I tried it. It caused me to do my AP English homework for the first time in months and I would actually do my Spanish homework on adderall. Another medication I was on at that time is called amitriptaline. This medicine simply helped my physical condition. I had been diagnosed IBS, irritable bowl syndrome, and hyperhydrosis, excessive sweating, due to anxiety. This medicine helped in combination with Zoloft greatly. These are the prescriptions I had before I got mono.

            During my manic episode I was thoroughly convinced that I was going to win the lottery. At one point I decided that my wishes would come true after sleep. That’s the only reason why I slept except one time I stayed up for 72 hours. One day I woke up convinced I would finally win a certain lottery ticket for $2,500. I told my parents I was walking to the gas station. With me I brought my ipod, cigarettes, liter, my cell, and Greg’s cell phone because he had left it in my car before he was sent away. It was a clear sunny day and as I walked towards the gas station I said to myself. Let’s go on an adventure. I walked down Fairfax county parkway and as I went I thought I was seeing clues, signs. I followed the clues and eventually I thought that if I stared at the sun and rotated, I could control time. I also thought that I was a “shock” and that I could charge Greg’s dead phone’s battery. This is when my first auditory hallucination occurred that I know of. I called Greg’s voicemail and the voicemail lady started to talk to me, which is impossible. This happened again with my own voicemail later that day because I thought she was telling me how to time travel. Continuing on the journey I walked to an underpass tunnel where I tried to levitate, walk on water, and crawl into another dimension. Doing these things and believing that I had achieved them led to me believe that I would eventually become a superhero. I was convinced I would turn into a werewolf that night. That’s how crazy I was. Even though during this period I told myself that I was crazy, I still was completely oblivious to how crazy I really was.

            Time travel is not possible today, but while I was manic I truly believed that I was capable of it. I thought I needed time travel tools to do it. My tools were noise cancellation headphones, a non-working watch, 2 bracelets, an ipod, a timer, a bell, and a color changing clock. I would go into my basement bathroom with these items completely naked with sharpie drawn all over my body and try to time travel. I would shut off the lights and then turn on the fan and then I would set the timer to specific number and then walk out the door hoping the world was frozen in time. I tried this repeatedly with my other time traveling methods. My other method was to change the time on my computer to the time of my choosing which would then change the world’s time. I repeatedly tried to stop time with this too and because I believed my computer’s clock was almighty, I accidentally kept my computer’s date to a day behind which left my memory of dates entirely disoriented. This is the reason why I forgot my Dad’s birthday on March 3rd, a month after I first entered my manic episode, because I thought it was March 2nd even though I had set my clock to one day behind an entire month prior to this. My actions affected my memory.

            On the computer I would see my music myspace for Safe Bet glow and because my nickname in the band was The Preacher I thought it was fate that I seemed to be having some type of religious experience. That’s how it felt. I came to the conclusion that all humans are the sons or daughters of God and that we all possess potential capabilities that are limited due to our inhibitions. I now doubt all beliefs I have; I question the reality of it all after having this episode. During my episode, my inhibitions were released and I experienced natural intense euphoria. It was like being high all day everyday. I was in a good mood, I was energetic, and I was happy. This was unlike me considering this began only 1 week after a break up that left me intensely depressed. I had become confident, I felt completely over my ex-girlfriend. I didn’t know why I felt so good or why I was seeing ******* TV in 3D. I questioned it, but only to myself. It drove me to insanity, as I went through spirals of theories. Sometimes I knew I was acting strange but I didn’t care. I thought I was right. I thought I was Jesus.

            To relate to someone with bipolar disorder, you have to have done some type of mind altering drug. Imagine that bipolar disorder is like having an unwanted drug in your system. It intensifies emotions on both sides which can lead to manic episodes and depressive episodes but does bring out creativity. Bipolar disorder is known commonly among many but actual manic episodes are unexplained and remain a mystery to the general public. If you’re “normal” then you needs to be grateful towards science for creating you cleanly and by normal I mean someone that doesn’t need daily medications. I am drugged up by 6 different medications for my mental illness. That’s how much it takes for me to feel almost normal. I’ve only been treated for under a year for my mental problems so I grew up in what I considered a cruel world. I constantly struggled with stabilizing my emotions my entire life, but I never knew what to do. I had to admit I had mental problems, and tell my parents to take me to a psychologist. This has helped me a lot and I have conquered many problems over the last year. But, the year’s worth of therapy didn’t prepare me for the manic episode and afterwards.

            The slip into reality is when someone in a manic episode finally accepts that they had one. They go from feeling like Jesus to feeling like a dud. I got incredibly depressed because I was so disappointed in myself. I thought my dreams were going to come true. I thought I had special powers.

 

 

 

I was a maniac.

Scottsimdb Scottsimdb 18-21 33 Responses Apr 28, 2009

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Me too! Al though I am not medicated for it. I was actually medicated for major depression. But upon my last appointment my medication nurse said it's sounding more like Bipolar disorder I have. I also have thought I was the second coming of christ a few times not like all the time or anything and in any case it was more of a fantasy than that I believe it's reality. I also thought I could possibly fly. When I was a child I thought about flying and when I was an adult I have a faint memory that I actually did fly.. surprising how much we are alike maybe we can find hope and bring awareness about this disorder through sharing our story and uniting. Oh and there was this time I was working retail and I guess according to my boss zoned out on a customer only I don't remember it and the customer said she's a psychologist wanted to help me to my boss and told her it seemed on may be on drugs. Well nope sorry wasn't drugs.. It was either my racing thoughts, nerves because I am very shy. Or it was that I was day dreaming. I quit the job after that. Because my boss kept probing me during that discussion about if I had something to tell her and no I did not because I wasn't on any drugs.

I feel like you wrote this for me please contact me my name is jd Sanders I had the same exact feelings and some actions and still feel the same way you day you do in this I would love to talk about it with you

It is impossible to get better, you will have these feelings for the rest of your life, and most likely, like many others, die during one of these episodes.

Scott, I was diagnosed bipolar in 2000. I jumped in front of a car thinking I was time traveling. I encountered three very intense episodes, hospitalised each time. I have been discharged. I am only taking one type of med for my Epilepsy mainly but which also includes a mood swing stabliliser and Omega 3 fish oil (not sure if any evidence suggests it helps??). I have a loving, supporting husband and cool 6 year old son...and happy. You will be too.
For all the good, steady progress, I have to thank...doctors, community nurses, friends, family, music, art, sport, swimming, good food, fresh air, God and the Universe.

I have never been manic, but I can totally relate to the feeling having been hypomanic. I am Bipolar 2 and 37 years old. I had no idea I was bipolar really until like 2 or 3 years ago, and the acceptance of it has been limited. I have drank a lot in my life and smoked weed a lot at different times. I am an addict and alcoholic, and that was really what all my problems and huge depressions on and off for years came from, I thought.

I don't even know when it hit me first, having a hypomanic episode. In hindsight in 2nd year of university before exams I just decided to hitch hike home in the middle of the night 100 miles. I had never hitch hiked before. I was depressed and wanted to get away from school, but I had only drank 3 or 4 beers before I started and I walked like 20 miles down a divided highway before I ended up getting picked up.

What really struck me, in reading your story is about 2 and a half years ago.. before I was on any meds or anything. I was in a 28 day Rehab... I was like 2 months sober. Then I failed a drug test and got kicked out of the program halfway through, and I didn't use anything, I was going to AA daily and was super happy and feeling GREAT. I was upset at getting kicked out for a day, but I KNEW I would be OK. I KNEW that it happened for this divine reason and I was meant to not finish Rehab because someone else needed the spot. And I was on this divine mission to help someone in AA. I didn't obsess about the God thing... but it was there... that I was supposed to help someone. I was really up. And I don't believe in a tangible Christian God or anything.. never have. But it was some HIGHER mission for me to help. Going to AA everyday I heard this woman speak about having been suicidal before.... and I guess that is not the important part... so anyway I started to drive the woman to meetings and talk with her. Not romantic or anything and not that much of a big deal, I only even talked to her 4 or 5 times in a big way. So anyway... she shows up to talk with me a coffee shop SOOOOO drunk and she pretends she is sober. I didn't call her on it and drove her home and then after I let her out of my car I was crushed. So anyway... later on I was to go to this big outdoor concert with my brother and his friends and he had free tickets swiped by a friend he had that was working on the stage crew. I had this incredible moral quandry in my mind for 2 hours about whether to use them. Like crazy time obsessing about things. I finally went... I saw Santana. I was mesmerized... the entire experience was like a spiritual one. (not something I normally experience). So I got home after midnight... sober a long time with no intentions of using anything. But I decide to drink a bunch of energy drinks... and watch ****... and I stay up all night.... until the liquor store is open in the morning. And I relapse and drink and clearly now, to me, that is the most hypomanic I have been. I felt as if I had this HIGHER PURPOSE. I had been hypomanic for maybe a month before I got kicked out of Rehab I think... and then stayed sober for a week after being kicked out of Rehab... even more up and hypomanic. I am not aware of being UP really.. I just thought I was sober and doing great. That led to the worst drinking of my life for like 2 months. Then 14 months of sobriety... earning $120,000 K working for 12 months... and being medicated for the first time for depression. Because I crashed into depression, broke up with my girlfriend, lost my job.. relapsed after a month of horrible depression... Finally got diagnosed as bipolar and started a mood stabilizer.

Now it is 15 months later. Had a good summer and fall and then crashed. Lost another relationship... haven't worked in 15 months... relapsed hard for the last 6 weeks and am now trying to get sober... maybe adjust my meds but my family doc can not find a pyschitirst to refer me to to get a better assessment of the meds I am on.

The last 2 days have been more hopeful. Still tired and depressed but I have hope. I am telling myself if I can stay sober and eat and sleep normal and go to some AA meetings in 2 or 3 weeks I will feel less depressed then I have been.

Reading this website and stories like this have helped me to try to get better and not just wait to die and thinking about ending it all the time. But is it the chicken or the Egg? I will never know. Do I start to come out of this depression or craziness because my brain chemicals are getting more balanced, or do I come out becuase I decide to work on not giving up and force myself to do the little basic things like washing dishes and getting dressed and eating and going outside and talking to people?

Thanks

This has been one of the most beautiful pieces that I have ever read on this site. I have been struggling with mental illness and psycological problems for the last few years and I had my first auditory hallucinations this year and had to be hospitalized at a state psychiatric hospital for two months. I think the hardest part of bi-polar for me was admitting that I had a problem. The voices and the beliefs like being super or having abilities are so easy to accept when you have mania that I was just going crazy from exhaustion and lack of sleep. Thank you SO MUCH for writing this; I know that I am not the only one who has really gone off the deep end before. Best of luck to you with your treatment.

Dang, for the longest time I thought I was all alone.....I remember my family looking at me like I was crazy (no pun intended) when I announced that I had not known they made programs in 3D........I thought I was seeing 3D on my FB page too. Thank you for helping me know I am not alone

omg I thought I was the only one. crazy. I had one manic episode two yrs ago and have been on 9 different medicantions since but Im so depressed now that I dont talk to anyone ( im mean no one) I dont go out side of the house at all and I think about ending my life all the time...how do u cope?

me too

I had a manic episode and gone through similar things although did not hallucinate or watch 3D. Was put on reseridone and lithium and I got back to normal. But after a while I was depressed and didn't see any purpose in life or appreciate anything for almost 3 months despite the mood stabilizers. My pysch told me to get rid of risp and I feel good. Can't wait to get rid of Lithium. It might help to get rid of some of them one at a time or reduce the dose slowly.

I remember looking at my manic episodes going why can't I feel like this all the time. It felt wonderful, I could read all the time, spend money on anything I wanted to, go do whatever I wanted to whenever I wanted. Never mind that there were times I couldn't pay the bills for my spending, or I'd lose my job because I'd be gone for no reason. No one who has never experienced what you have (and myself) can understand what mania is truly like. I am right now on 3 meds that keep me in check and I am finally living the life I was meant to live. I still feel the mania, as well as the depression, but I have more control of how I deal with it. I just wish I had known this a long time ago.

I wrote this story about my manic episode about 3 years ago and I just recently checked the website and was blown away by the response. 3 years ago I actually ended up writing the full story about what happened. Hell, I had 2 more manic episodes since then I guess Ill write about those and post them. But if anyone is wondering...I am doing great now!!! I am functioning well, in good health, I take my meds responbiliy, I actually work in a treatment center for drug addiction and mental illness. I love my life! here is the link to the full story of my first manic episode. <a href="http://www.experienceproject.com/stories/Am-Bipolar/2259176" target="ep_blank">EP Link</a>

Awesome, totally awesome. You know, they don't get it when we say this kind of stuff. I've basically scared off every close friend and family member when I try to talk about this same things.<br />
<br />
Jesus, antichrist, earthquakes, massive hallucinations, so much more. Week after week of no sleep and total excitement and adventure. But so dangerous. You can knock the LAPD all you want but after that month of total and consuming psychosis, they found me laying in someone's yard at 3 am howling at a dog and they knew what was happening and didn't cuff me or scare me, they brought the fire department in and got me to the psych ward.<br />
<br />
My big one was the whole secret messages thing. Looking for clues, finding the secret meetings, all that fun stuff. And A Beautiful Mind just came out in the middle of my first episode and I almost cried the whole time. That was me up there.<br />
<br />
The Matrix stuff was fun too. Was in a college building at night, messing with the janitors because of course I have super powers. They chased me and I swear I jumped so freaking far running out of the building over the stairs that it felt like the Matrix.<br />
<br />
At the end, I could not read a single word. I could identify corporate logos, so as I wandered around LA at night, lost and crazy as crap, I would tell myself to "click" on the 7-11, or click on the Chevron to find my way.<br />
<br />
For me, the worst thing is that there is a lot of stuff I just cannot account for to this day. I can tell for sure what I hallucinated but <br />
<br />
***** And if anyone thinks this stuff is made up or embellished, you are just so very very wrong. This is what really happens to some of us.

Continued from before, in oct 2011, his behavior became very odd. He started telling me that our house was gonna be paid for and we didn't have to worry about anything anymore, that he knew the code and everything was already in motion, he would laugh when I would ask if he was ok, as if to say, im better than ever! I started to think it was me, then my sister started seeing his increasingly odd behavior too, so did our friends who were convinced he was on acid, and I just didn't know it. This went on for a few days and the paranoia started and he would ask me are we awake, or are we dreaming? Of course were awake. I wanted to believe what he was telling me, I mean why would thi person I knew so well be saying all these things. Maybe he really did know something I hoped he was right. I almost wanted to convince myself he was. It was hard not to, cause I knew him, he was not crazy. I left out the 3 showers a day and he started smoking cigs, after having quit in 2008, and couldn't remember things either. I became really worried and decided to tell his sister and she said its happening again, this is what happened to him before. I of course had suspected this anyway, and already suspected he may be having a. Manic episode after researching online. We ended up taking him to the er where my non agressive husband wanted to fight with some guy walking through the lobby and fight with red light on the wall. They kept him for 72hrs and he then came and seemed better, several days later I found he wasn't and was back to the same behaviors.. they had given him risperidone at the hospital, which wasn't doing anything. The hospital would not do anything and we referred to outpatient, which couldn't see him for a. Month! So I finally found a psyc dr who got him in the next day, 200 bucks for the hour and we had 2 sc<x>ripts, lithium and depacote.. hefelt better after seeing the dr and after several weeks told me what was going on. He thought he had benn choosen and thathe government had sent someone after him. At this point I have read several books on bipolar disorder and 100s of articles. My husband is back. Albeit dealing with depressionsion but he is working on developing coping skills. He knows he is not to blame for what happened and so do I. .<br />
<br />
Alot of you guys say no one knws how itw it feels, but as a supportive parner, I was right there. I was able to emmbrace his mania too, I loved his passion and desire for me, and what he believed was happening. We have joked that if I had that tendancy too we would been right there together in the nut hut as he jokingly calls it. I wanted to believe him and I have felt his highs and lows. If you are lucky enough to have someone that close to you, we can feel it. I understand how close you can be to those emotions and the intense passion that can be felt, not just like you, but we can get it. If you don't have someone like this in your life I hope in the future you all will. You deserve to be understood. Readinng what you guys said, was just how my husband described it to me. I am not bipolar, I can embraace it and hate it too, just like you. This has brought us even closer too. I am not trying to make it seem like its the same for me, but just know we can feel it.and we want to be here for you

Hello, <br />
<br />
I wanted to ad my input as the wife of a man with bipolar disorder, and how I viewed his mania. I met my now husband in 2006, and we have been together ever since. We were both 24 at the time and he told me about when he was 20, and working the night shift at the airport, wasn't sleeping and drinking and partying with his frends duringg the day, that he became paranoid and did end up in the hospital for ten days. I never thought much of it, as I knew nothing about bipolar disorder, and it seemed logical that lack of sleep and too much alcohol will dpo that to someone. We were married in 2010, always had a great relationship, no fighting or anger issues. During the summer of 2011 my husband who works at home, so he spends alot of time on the computer, starting getting involved in forums and faceebook. He soon became obcessed with anti government groups, and the banking system and everything that is. Happening. In thiscountry. He would talk about only these things and was very passionate and inintense about it, and would upset me and started causing us to fight. This went on for months and was really starting to get to me. He was just not doing his work, and only focusing on these things. Near the end of october ... my phone. Is messing up, gonna continue below

What a fantastic story. Ever since I graduated from college three years ago I have been struggling with bipolar 1 disorder too. The three manic episodes that I've had since then have gotten progressively worse and are very similiar to your experience. In college I worked at a restaurant. During my first manic episode I thought that the owners of the restaurant were the drug lords of my college town. I convinced myself one day, when I was working, that a new shipment had just come in and it was up to me to stop them from completing the deal and distributing the drugs around the town. Needless to say I wasn't very productive that day and don't remember much, but when I got home from work in a frantic state and told my roommates what I thought was happening, they immediately drove me to the school's psychologist where I finally awoke from my episode. Even though I came out of the manic state, I immediately regressed a few hours later and had to be driven home by my friends. Once home, I got a chance to relax, eat, and sleep but the mania did not go away. Since my parents never had any experience with anything like this before they just assumed I was really excited about graduating and really motivated about my future. One night, back home, when I was driving around, I thought that the "drug dealers" from my college town were after me. I sped around the neighborhood streets trying to lose them. I even threw my cell phone out the window because I thought they could track it. I finally drove to a friends house because I was convinced they knew where I lived. My buddy took pitty on me and tried to calm me down with plenty of booze. (When you're manic you can drink like a fish by the way).I sacked hard on his couch after multiple drinks and woke up the next day as if nothing happened. I kept having brief delusions followed by periods of depression here and there without seeking any help for a solid year after this. I think my parents thought something was wrong, but they were too embarassed I guess to ask. During this year I just watched a bunch of movies and drifted in and out of reality while convincing myself I was studying to become a film studies professor. Around June of the following year I had another manic episode which was exponentially worse. Without going into all the detail I actually convinced myself between mid June and mid July that I was the Second Coming and I had superhuman abilities. Like you I thought I could walk on water, heal people, and run for days. During this month I dropped almost 10% of my body weight because whenever I swallowed food I thought I was choking. One evening I got in my car to buy fish food for an aquarium I had just purchased (was spending money like it was going out of style) and ended up following a white van for about 40 miles. I actually thought the driver was leading me to a secret government bunker to survive a nuclear holocaust (I had convinced myself I had been chosen to survive). When I arrived at the "destination" (a church in the middle of nowhere) the person working there took pitty on me, fed me, then called the five-o. As soon as I opened my mouth they could tell I was crazy so they threw me in a squad car, took me to the station, and called my parents. Needless to say they weren't too happy, but this wild act finally got their attention I guess. Over the course of the next few days I got progressively worse until I got up one morning shaved my head, duct taped an ID badge to my chest, a red pen above my genitals, and drew a red cross on my forehead. Next, I tore apart a red greeting card and put both pieces in my shoes. I put on a blue dress shirt over the red undergarments then a red jacket over everything. I walked outside, laid in the middle of the road and waited for a government helicopter to pick me up (Remember, its Virginia in early July. About 90 degrees outside). Finally, my mom got me to come inside somehow until the five-o arrived again (second time in three or four days). My parents actually had to call the police because they had know idea what to do. After what seemed like a few hours of questions by police they took me to the psych unit at Fairfax Hospital. I guess I was really out of it because I stayed in the unit for two weeks then had to go to a mandatory out-of-patient care for another two weeks. The psychiatrist's initially put me on depakote, clonopin, zyprexa, and proprennalol (leg relaxer?), but after a few months I got down to just depakote and clonopin because zyprexa was causing me to eat the fridge (gained 20+ lbs after using it for a month). A year and a half later I am off all meds and doing great. Whenever I feel like I'm becoming manic I just drink a soothing herbal tea, take an over the counter sedative and rest myself for a day or so. I think I might start trying meditation or joining a bipolar group to sort out my issues. Does anyone know of any good, free groups in the northern virginia area?

I thought I was the daughter of jesus christ going to become the queen of scotland and got caught up in a very elaborate fantasy from what i thought was very rationally listening to lights and sounds and .. minorities. i was going around trying to save the world. i thought i could use art to make people no longer fight about race, religion, or politics. i had all these clever world revelations, and i could speak so fast and was so super-self that i was great at reaching out to and connecting with people and i made a lot of grown men cry with inspiration. i also was incredibly delusional. i smoked hash the day before i went completely delusional -- ironically thinking i could change the mental health industry, going head to head against the best mental health experts in scotland trying to prove to them how they were wrong..yeah it didnt work out so well. i too felt incredible energy with little to no sleep. do people who have episodes often do drugs? i was a daily marijuana user and then studied abroad and detoxed for two weeks, which i thought is why my brain was so clear and put together and why i thought i was having trouble sleeping. i have only done psychedelics a few times, but i definitely took hold with more gusto many theories/feelings ive had when doing shrooms. i was in a happy state. and im afraid i will never be happy again and that thought makes me want to kill myself. not said lightly. anyway your story and openness makes me realize im not alone and makes me not want to kill myself, so thank you.

Thank you so much for sharing. I've read a few books, but your desc<x>riptions make it much clearer.

Fantastic, detailed account of a manic episode! I hope you are on the right meds and have a support system in place, now that you know.

I just felt the need to tell you, you write very well... thank you for sharing.

I will read your whole story tomorrow but I wanted to tell you that so far, your experience is so similar to mine. I will add mine later.

i looked in the sky and thought i saw all my grandparents. I thought two of my grandmas were dead and i also thought i was jesus or some kind of freak. I thought i could play in the nba and i thought i could make millions selling weed. This was my first semester of college and i didn't even go to any class at all or do any work because i was convinced i was a genious and i was going to make millions. I thought i was the next bill gates.

HI, I wonder how old you are. I had really long Manic phases when i was 22 and 23. Both Just as severe as yours, but add on: being lost and alone in a foreign country, no food or money just my insane beliefs. I was picked up by police, in hospitals, tied down , you name it, stuck with needles..<br />
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I believed all sorts of crazy things and life was so magical. Mine lasted 10 weeks. I did need drugs to regulate at the beginning. Somehow, eating right, excersisng,sleeping and just going slower helped, and with a good supposrt system I was able to be off drugs completely for a long time...I think i only took the drugs like 1/2 a year. <br />
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So now....more than 10 years later....now a mother. I didnt expect to have a manic episode...this past fall. I thought I was in the clear. I try to make sure I sleep and when i get weird thoughts, I just say, yeah thats what i would believe if I was going to go crazy.....<br />
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so since those two gigantic manic episodes, and I was diagnosed as bi polar, as manic and once as schitzophrenic, I have been okay. But i have also lived a bit more carefully. going to university, being kind of straight and responsible..although Ive never taken drugs I always hang out with these kinds of people and had been very wild..so any ways I toned it down and have stayed sane...doing my drawings, writing and paintings in small doses.<br />
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then at almost 40, I get really into drawing again, manage to land a successful gallery show, start performing again in acting in theater and singing in cabarets..and I guess my brain is just on high power, the way it used to be back when I was in my 20s in art school. My brain goes on high power and then i can really almost seem to do anything. I learn a language (for reals though) get jobs, pass tests, I work, create, succeed..but its too high a voltage.<br />
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I wasnt believing in calling Bats from Cuba with the turn of my magic ring, or of vampires stalking me thorugh museums, or ghost whispering to me from lakes in parks, but suddenly I was fearless and doing things I normally would not do, partying with teenagers, dancing at afterhours like a ******** for charity! and just being someone else without even one drop of remorse. I blacked out one night and never made it home, I only have little pieces of what i did that night, and each piece is horrible, when you have a loving husband and kid. I stopped and realized, I hadnt even drank that night, I was just acting insane! so now what? <br />
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I told my normal house doctor and she reccomended I go to a Phsychiatrist. I m so hesitant. I have lived more than 10 years without drugs! But i never want to experience something like that black out again, and it wasnt just one episode, all Fall i realize now I have been doing very wrong and very strange things without even realizing it. It comes from being too busy, from performing too much, giving too much without replenishing, not eating enough, not sleeping. And suddenly I possess even enormous physical stregnth..like living high on adrenilin. <br />
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Im trying to figure out how to stay an Artist but not go off the deep end.....

ive been diagnosed wit bi-polar bt i dnt believe i hav bipolar.ive had wierd things happen to me bt what makes my story different is theres been other ppl who r nt diagnosed wit bi-polar share my xperience.eg.i too believe im special,kind of one of earths light workers.one day i had this feeling we would all die frm a large meteorite in my town.i went around telling ppl what i believed n they all lol at me.then i believed god wanted me to do a ritual to stop this meteorite frm entering the correct angle.i ended up doing a wierd ritual one late nite at a park.i recorded a 4min piece of it. i was speaking n within 4min my voice completely altered it was as if i was possessed by higher beings.i had 3 distinctly different voiced n mannerisms.i saw shadowy beings running clockwise around the field.the next mornin everywhere i had walked the grass was green n that was odd cause it was winter.i wasnt the only one to see the grass green.a mnth later we xperienced a heck of a noise,ect in our town that woke us up 4am.i blinding light that lasted a min long then earthquake simultaneously wit the light.a wierd noise like a whisle then a tremendous booooom.i knew it was the meteorite.many would classify my xperience bipolar bt the entire town heard the bang that nite.ive done long distance healings n ppl hav been healed n fealt warmth at correct time on correct body area.bt medical ppl say im bipolar.what do u ppl think?

I knw what you mean

@mrcruise1 - I think it's a little harsh to insinuate that Scott is lying unless you are a mental health professional qualified to make a diagnosis. Scott's experience described above does fit the diagnostic criteria for a manic episode associated with bipolar I. In fact, it's almost a "textbook" example of what a manic episode looks like. While schizophrenia is the mental illness most people associate with delusions and hallucinations, schizophrenia isn't the only thing that can cause someone to loose touch with reality. In fact, temporary psychosis can be caused by something as common as a high fever.<br />
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Speaking as someone who doesn't have bipolar, I think stories like Scott's need to be told. And they need to be heard with compassionate ears. Scott said he is getting professional help. If he was brave enough to share his story on a public forum, I think it's safe to assume that he was brave enough to share everything with his doctors. Scott's doctors diagnosed him with bipolar, not schizophrenia. I think we need to leave the diagnosing up to people who are qualified to make a diagnosis. Please do your research before you start making accusations like that - you can unintentionally hurt someone by giving advice you're not qualified to give.

but, I do have special powers :(<br />
*wipes tears*

You are so profound. For someone so young, you write so well.

I am Bipolar. Fortunately for me, my case is not nearly as severe as yours. What you described when you were talking about thinking everyone had special abilities that they can't use because of their inhibitions is EXACTLY what I thought during my most recent manic episode, which was actually probably 3 years ago. I would sit the and meditate and try to levitate or move ob<x>jects with me mind every single day. I, too, cannot let that go now. I still believe it even though I know that I was crazy when I came up with it. I didn't think I was Jesus, because I didn't believe in Jesus, but I, too, thought I was special or somehow chosen. During that time I never slept, I moved my furniture around in the middle of the night, I drew amazing artwork that I can't replicate not, and could probavbly have run a marathon without getting out of breath.Why do you think it is that so many people have these same delusions? Time travel, being special or chosen, having latent abilities, etc.Also, when I trip I feel these things too. I don't do drugs anymore because it sends me into depressive downward spirals, but whenever I used to trip, it felt exactly like being manic. But being manic is all day every day. It's sad because you kind of enjoy it, but it just isn't good for you.

after reading yr story i feel so lame.. i think i am lonely and troubled... but i never realised how lucky i was to be normal. i cant exactly relate to ur condition, but is it ur mistake you hav these probs? all i can say to u is please dont totally depend on drugs. u hav to b strong enough to overcome this condition and stop feeling like a 'dud' at times. i'v studied a little psychology, and all i can say is that meditation helps VERY much if u du it properly everyday, and b4 u doubt tht ur abt to hav an episode. i hope tht helps u.

..Okay, but you have to understand that bipolar disorder is not a psychological condition. It is a physical, real, neurological disease of the brain whose symptoms happen to be partially psychological (but with many physical symptoms as well). Would you tell somebody who has a brain tumor to not rely on medication, and to "be stronger" and meditate more? No, because meditation and being strong does not cure a brain tumor. And it doesn't cure a brain disease, either.

oh crud' i now wonder if my long past experience was actually schizophrenia, schizoaffective, or bipolar... ><<br />
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anyway, i overcame it by prayer, not medicine, no doctor...

Your story is very descriptive and well written. Thanks for sharing it, I totally understand where you are coming from.<br />
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I've been told recently that i may also have adult ADHD, in addition to my bipolar disorder. I had not considered that possibility before as i thought the hyperactvity thing was being in a state of physical movement. But this counselor told me that the hyperactivity is also my brain activity, that altho, i may not be all that physically active, my thoughts could be all over the place.<br />
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Anybody else feel this way?