Bipolar, But Without The Fun

I've been diagnosed with Bipolar II, which they tell me is bipolar with only mild mania, but deeper depressions. Who knows if that's what I truly am, I've been misdiagnosed so many times, but it seems true. I've been coming down from a slight manic run, and the depression is sinking it. This is when I hate being bipolar the most. The mania can be productive; I got a job, started school again, and did very well. But now that the depression is setting in, all that hard work is about to come crashing down. I'm already becoming apathetic, especially about work and my relationship, which always ends the same way, in disaster and a complete breakdown. I've been in mental hospitals before, countless therapists, different meds, none of it lasting or seeming to help. I just don't want to continue to live my life like this. It's not a life at all, its just surviving, not even because I want to , but because I'm supposed to.

shygrl85 shygrl85
22-25, F
14 Responses Feb 15, 2010

I know just what you mean. The English group XTC have a song called Senses Working Overtime. (Is it about me?)

My brain is working in paralell thoughts way too often. Very exhausting.

My brain exhausts me. It seems that many of you have overcome it through communication with medical professionals and the like. I have withdrawn from seeking help as it has only made me feel even more detatched from reality on either side of the 'spectrum'. Has anyone tried simply living with it? Is this unhealthy for me?

Me too!

I have been dx with Bipolar II, very mild case. I get a touch of hypomania or a "mixed state," which is like an agitated depression. Fortunately my down moods have gotten less dramatic with age. I would say I was at my worst in my late twenties and early thirties. I never found a medication that could level out my moods and not make me sick. Instead, I started to self-medicate; I now battle addiction to alcohol and tobacco. And I LOVE that sugar . . . I can overdo just about anything. Good luck with your condition. I think that Bipolar II is definitely easier to deal with (has a better prognosis, as they say). It is less likely that you will be hospitalized or arrested (I never was), or that you will ruin yourself financially.

A full on manic episode is NOT fun... the hypomania which people with bipolar type II experience is WAY batter in my opinion. Full on mania you may experience delusions as well as auditory and visual hallucination. Hypomania, I find at least, allows one to make connections faster but is incredibly hard to concentrate on one thing at times.<br />
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I have eperienced both hypo- and full blown mania. Hypomania is much better imo.

That used to be seems as if I had bipolar II for a long time, but now i'm bipolar I (so much happier).

I have bipolar II as well and my manic episodes aren't fun at all. I loose mass amounts of sleep, become restless,agitated and aggressive...sometimes even physically. My mind races, I speak quickly and over annunciate my words. I've also been known to fly into rages and tear things apart like jobs, the relationship with my fiancée, ect. Then once I start to come down I just "wake up" and am left to deal with all the damage that I've done. <br />
I take meds but none seem to work. <br />
As horrible as it may sound its nice to know that I'm not the only one who struggles like this... sometimes I wish I could get a little fun out of my mania.

@AGeminisTwin you are definitely on to something. I am going to try your approach next time I feel I am slipping into the depressive state. Can't hurt, right?

Everyone likes being manic. The challenge is how manage being depressed. Where does one have the energy to even spell "manage" LOL. My stumbled into something called affirmations. When my entire being screams "I want to die," I do the opposite and say out loud "I feel wonderful." Or I write it down and read it over and over again. It worked! By the 2nd day of feeling like crap, I actually felt better. Now, after a year of doing this, it no longer takes 2 days to feel better ... it takes less.<br />
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Try it, what have you got to lose?

I have learned to do something similar. I don't believe my moods and just repeat to myself that's a glitch in my wiring that will pass quickly. This way I don't identify with the negative thoughts; I can stay neutral during the highs and lows. Somewhere in the middle.

Ask your psych for the complete diagnosis. I'm also dx'd with bipolar but with severe mania. Like you i like my manic tendencies, but then afterwards the depressive phase always kicks in, which i hate.<br />
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It is important that you take the meds prescribed at the proper times. After 2 months or so, if you feel a certain med isn't working be sure to tell your psych so that he can either adjust or change them.<br />
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Find and join a support group this has helped me to find ways of coping with my bipolar disorder. I am constantly leaning more by going to various bipolar forums and health sites on the web.

I so identify with what you describe. I could cope with mania as I felt more excited but I realise I also felt very angry and slept little. However the depression was the real killer. Like you I hated seeing all that I had worked hard to build up, suddenly be crushed and my reputation at work get trashed in my eyes. I have recently discovered Lithium and that is looking very hopeful. I have been on it a few months now and feel very stable and creative. I also agree that is it good to look into early warning signs of both mania and depression.My CPN and I are going through a booklet to personalise it and sort out which things happen to me so I can be on the look out. I have come to terms more with my illness and don't mind taking drugs every day. I am scared though of how the workplace will accept me and whether I will be discriminated against should I dare to try and work again after 2 years of severe illness.

Mania doesn't always come with "fun" . there can also be intense irritability, aggressiveness, profound lack of sleep and feeling way out of control. I have been manic and never knew it for what it was until many years later and a lot of education. There are some really good books out there that can help you recognize the earliest onset of either mania or depression. The quicker you know, and the more you learn about yourself, the easier it will be to help stop the mania or depression take over completely . I've been DIAGNOSED bipolar 15 year but have had it much longer. Find a good Dr , meds that work and take them every single day!!!!!!

Every word you wrote I've felt. You're right, it doesn't feel like a life. The whole point of living feels like a pursuit of something that will finish you enough just so you can get started living for real. I've lost a fiancee, good jobs, school, and half the time I'm just hanging on to what I have. There doesn't seem to be any outlet that works for long. You begin to suspect you just don't work right, and never will. But so far I'm just as good at talking myself out of it and waiting for that good day when I feel loved and worthy. At the present moment I'm waiting.

I feel your pain!! Depression is one of the hardest things to deal with, and it sounds like you can feel it coming on so it might be a good time to go to your doctor if you haven't already lately. Hang in there because you will get through it even if it's just one day at a time. Stay as positive as possible and look at all the good things you have going for you. Good luck!!