i, ii, iii?

My therapist is doing research on bipolar disorder. I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder, then that got changed to major depressive disorder with psycho tendencies or something along those lines.



I suspect that I am her poster child for a new strain of bipolar disorder. I'm impulsive and spent a few months ******* everything that moved. Last year, I took my car in the middle of the night and drove from Indiana to Las Vegas and slept in the back of a head shop in the bed of a dropout who smoked me out on Purple Haze. After a week there, I got bored, got back in my car, and drove home. I was placed in a mental hospital for the second time. The first time I was in for trying to kill myself. While there, I attempted suicide once more and was forced to sleep in front of the nurse's station.

 

When I don't take my meds, I become seven shades more vibrant, leaping around feeling content and chatty. Then I start to cry at nothing and end up sobbing and breaking things against my driveway while my neighbor watches from her window.

 

If a drug is given to me, there's a good chance I'll take it. I stopped taking my meds because I paid 20 bucks for a drug called 2ci and it didn't work because of the damn antidepressants.

 

I'd be on shrooms right now if my boy would get back to me.

 

Bipolar? Maybe. I just hate taking my meds.

TimeAfterTime TimeAfterTime
18-21, F
1 Response Mar 7, 2010

The doctors are just shooting ducks in the dark. They'll name anything something new. It's meaningless though, because when they prescribe something, they have no idea if it will work or not. My shrink says that Lithium is the "gold standard." It's the first thing he always tries. Have you tried it? If it works, then that's a good sign you have bipolar disorder.<br />
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Your manias sound kind of cool, even if they make you do stupid stuff. What's the ratio of mania to depression? I don't have manias like that, mine are long and small and barely noticeable until the end, when, as you say, I start trying to **** everything that moves. Well, not quite. I try to love everything that moves in hopes someone will really love me and rescue me from the pain.<br />
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It doesn't matter. The pain comes anyway. <br />
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I'm never sure whether I want to stay on meds or not. I've told myself that as long as I'm married to my wife, I'll stay on them. But if I ever separate, I'm not sure. I think if I were in your shoes, I'd try the meds for a while to see how they affected me. I'd give them at least six months. I'd be willing to try several changes (it usually takes a while to find something that works). <br />
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The other drugs you take -- the self-prescribed ones -- are also experiments, only I think they are really unknowledgeable experiments. Do they make you feel better? What are the side effects? How do they affect your ability to cope with life? Do you work? Are you on disability? Nice gig if you can get it. Unless you want to do something more useful to other people.<br />
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Do you ever get sleep? Or only when depressed? Do you exercise? Have you ever cared about yourself? Do you remember when? These things are all possible, if you want. I don't think you have to live the way you do, although I do understand its charms. Self-destructive charms. But the high is so good, who cares? I don't know. I'm about to do something really risky for my high. I've planned as carefully as I can so I don't get caught. I need it and I need some happiness. Other than that, maybe, as my therapist says, I'm self-destructive. I don't know if this is me or my disorder. I wonder if it matters. I've only got one chance at life. I've put in my time. I've done good. Maybe I don't care any more what happens when I get older. I just want to take this chance, even if I do lose everything else I care about. Now that, in my book, is crazy!