I Am Bipolar
Am I Bipolar?... Something Is Wrong, I Just Don't Know What.
By:
unsanity
Written on March 11th, 2010
Well here is the story...
I am a 16 year old male living in Wisconsin. I am halfway through my sophomore year in high school, and I am doing terribly. As far back as 5th grade I have had issues with depression and insomnia. Through 8th grade it was brief, sporadic, episodes of moderate depression. I remember thinking often about suicide, or how dieing would be preferable to living. After a fairly traumatizing freshman year, attending a rigorous private school going through the year depressed and severely anxious I was taken out and sent to public school without proper first year credits. Over the summer I became very happy, excited for a new school, new beginning, and all that. About a month into summer it became a bit much. I felt on top of the world, better than I ever was, I didn't sleep for days at a time. Well one day, this marks my very first vacation from reality, I was sleeping over at a friends house. Up all night I woke him up at 6 in the morning going on about how viewing the sunrise would grant us some philosophical understanding of life. Soon forgetting that notion I got him up and we started on an "adventure"... All the while I was speaking with a British accent and in rhyme... though much of the time what i said was nonsense. At 7 we arrived at my other friends house and woke him up and got him. We proceeded in the direction of the nearest mall and I was going on about a mystic being named Glenn who was directing me. On the way we found a twenty dollar bill in the road which I took and gave as not only evidence of Glenn's existence but an incarnation of Glenn himself. All the while they just kinda went along with it amused by my antics. Well this went on all day long till I finally got home around 10 at night and fell right asleep. In th morning I was back in touch with reality and still on top of the world. Soon after I started smoking pot. about a month after that started I stopped and receded into a depression lasting till school began. (I don't really know the time... it was summer, time was not real heh)
As school started I was happy again excited to meet a plethora a new faces, excited to start manageable classes, excited to to do well. Well things went all wonky again. I was doing great socially, made fast friends, it seemed I had 'bloomed' social. I was outgoing and nice, though they all thought I was weird and drug addled which I was not, they were accepting of me. Things progressed and I started to loss touch with reality at times in the day. I was doing poorly in class, not able to focus enough to get any work done. I felt like my mind was broken into 4 distinct pieces and each piece was waring for dominance. One piece was a depressed me, one the normal me I was familiar with, another a 'maniac' me, as I called it, and the last a catatonic me. I was hysterical, my mood changing every which way. Happy, sad, mad, I was all over the place with no stimulus. At time I would completely shut down and not be able to move, speak, or even think. I was sent to the associate principal twice because I went catatonic and didn't move or speak for an entire class period. I was taken to the doctor and got blood work done and took an EEG, all came back normal... I began seeing a therapist at this time for attention issues, I was terrified about what was happening but I was far to scared to bring it up with the therapist or my parents.
About a half a month after school started I became mildly depressed. This was generally uneventful till one night, after about half a month of depression, I was home alone and I was watching Pan's Labyrinth and facebook chatting a friend who was talking about severe family issues. All this became overwhelming so I took my computer upstairs and I started to feel like I was losing touch with reality. I am not exactly sure what happened but suddenly I was in my head looking at a giant black cloud that was consuming my mind while simultaneously still aware of my real surroundings... I started 'screaming' on chat crying for help. i got off and was lying on the floor shaking and crying (for what turned out to be two hours) sobbing about "it coming to get me". After the direct attack stopped I was sitting and figured it was a demon that wanted to eat my mind. It wanted to add me to its collection of fallen souls to inspire feeling of sadness , hate, and fear in others. Which is how it gets into other people's minds. I figured out to combat it I needed to soak everything in happiness like how sadness soaked everything during depression.
The next morning I was happy again, laughing about what had happened on top of the world. Everything looked brighter and happier. This lasted about a week but again I was starting to lose it periodically. I would hear a voice inside my head, vaguely my own as if someone were imitating me. It would tell me to do things, to and if I did not do what it said it would blur my vision. I named it The Gardenhead. For about two weeks I would hear The Gardenhead randomly throughout the day. By the end I had figured it all out. The Gardenhead was a 5th dimensional being who was using me as a host to spread seeds of thought to plant in other peoples minds so they would grow into trees of original thought. Also during this time I was alone in my room one night when I got the idea that I needed to kill a cobra, which was the devil, it could be any cobra. I started calling around at 10 at night for a cobra... didn't come up with one. I Figured in the morning I would go to the zoo and use theirs. I also figured that I needed protection, so I took a sharpie and drew all over my torso and on part of my arm. One can guess the next couple of days in gym class were very interesting.
Soon I again became mildly depressed and stopped hearing the Gardenhead... I though I was absolutely insane, becoming schizophrenic or something. I spent a while wallowing in sorrow, self pity, and fear. I started to hear a voice again. This time it was malicious, it told me to do nasty things to people. To hurt them. I named this one Allen. Soon after though I figured this was still the Gardenhead, whom I used to consider good, showing his true colours. This lasted till the day after Halloween. I was happy again and I began smoking pot once more. I was happy, on top of the world again. superb. I stopped smoking the day after thanksgiving because the girl I knew the girl I liked would not approve. I remained happy till about December 27th.
I suddenly became very very depressed, like nothing I had ever experienced. I was in utter despair, and made a feeble attempt at overdosing. I took 8 pills, each 500mg of acetomenophen. This did not do much but hurt my short term memory for a little while. During the last happy time I had grown close to the girl I liked, actually the same one the was talking to me about family issues, and was planning to ask her out at a New Years Eve party we were going to. Having already RSVP'd I forced myself to go to the party, despite my physically painful sorrow. Barely talked the whole night, did not ask her out. I spent the next month in utter despair. Roundabouts the end of that month was the end of the semester. First day of exams, I was monstrously depressed, and after the first exam was the lunch period. I was in no mood to face all my friends. So I went to a quiet hallway to sit alone... Sitting there I was in pain from the depression, contemplating suicide. All of a suddenly the walls seemed to slowly grow... This freaked me out and I was already contemplating suicide so I decided i want to end it there. I pulled out my little tin of medication (which I carried around because I had vveerryyy frequent headaches... almost perpetual) and took 15 of the 500mg acetomenophen tablets. I went to my second exam feeling nauseous. I finished the exam quickly and poorly before passing out in my desk. At the end of the exam period I called home and skipped my third exam and went home sick. All in all I failed 3 classes that semester... and the others weren't too good.
[end of January]
A few days after the new semester began I became very dizzy and went to the nurses office to lie down... I spent three periods there and when I awoke everything looked happier and brighter and I was insanely happy. Better that ever. A miracle recovery. I spent the next month giggly, happy, minor lapses in reality. At one point I believed the secret to life was held within my blood, so I tried cutting my arms with a dull scissors, as that was all I had access to, and saw at the time blood running from the wounds... I eventually fell asleep after writing a lot of nonsensical rot to a friend. I awoke in the morning to find I did not draw blood and I have faint scars from the incident. Another time I was in world history taking a test when I started writing 'Its all okay' all over it. Then, with a soda can tab bent to be sharp, I etched that phrase into my arm. Also some nights, I heard demons running around on my roof, once one growked at me and scratched on my second story window. Through out all of this though most of my lapses from reality have been harmless, relatively uneventful, and at the height of the happiness periods, daily (though they only last a few hours).
About the end of February I suddenly became very depressed one morning. In my first hour class I attempted suicide once more and took 20 of the 500mg acetomenophen pills. I nearly passed out before I made it to the nurses office. Where I did pass out. I never let on what had happened and was sent out two periods later still feeling like I was going to hurl and not able to see straight. I went through the rest of the day like this went right to bed when I got home. the next day I went to the psychiatrist to decide once and for all if I needed A.D.D. meds. I had let on a bit with my usual therapist I was depressed quite often and with this psychiatrist I let on a bit about the happiness. Ultimately she did not prescribe me and meds saying I probably only had mild A.D.D. and said she thought I might be cyclothymic... I barely told her nearly nothing and resent her offer to prescribe antidepressants. I was also quite happy that day. since then I have been kinda mixed, happy, sad, kinda hysterical again, but not quite as much. Mood changing day to day.... its been weird. and distressing.
Well its March 11th now and i'm still mixed with happy and sad. I had quit my therapist cause I hated the guy. I am confused and lost and really distressed. Right now I am more normal than I have been in weeks and I am taking advantage of that with this. I dont know what to think, or do...
I am a 16 year old male living in Wisconsin. I am halfway through my sophomore year in high school, and I am doing terribly. As far back as 5th grade I have had issues with depression and insomnia. Through 8th grade it was brief, sporadic, episodes of moderate depression. I remember thinking often about suicide, or how dieing would be preferable to living. After a fairly traumatizing freshman year, attending a rigorous private school going through the year depressed and severely anxious I was taken out and sent to public school without proper first year credits. Over the summer I became very happy, excited for a new school, new beginning, and all that. About a month into summer it became a bit much. I felt on top of the world, better than I ever was, I didn't sleep for days at a time. Well one day, this marks my very first vacation from reality, I was sleeping over at a friends house. Up all night I woke him up at 6 in the morning going on about how viewing the sunrise would grant us some philosophical understanding of life. Soon forgetting that notion I got him up and we started on an "adventure"... All the while I was speaking with a British accent and in rhyme... though much of the time what i said was nonsense. At 7 we arrived at my other friends house and woke him up and got him. We proceeded in the direction of the nearest mall and I was going on about a mystic being named Glenn who was directing me. On the way we found a twenty dollar bill in the road which I took and gave as not only evidence of Glenn's existence but an incarnation of Glenn himself. All the while they just kinda went along with it amused by my antics. Well this went on all day long till I finally got home around 10 at night and fell right asleep. In th morning I was back in touch with reality and still on top of the world. Soon after I started smoking pot. about a month after that started I stopped and receded into a depression lasting till school began. (I don't really know the time... it was summer, time was not real heh)
As school started I was happy again excited to meet a plethora a new faces, excited to start manageable classes, excited to to do well. Well things went all wonky again. I was doing great socially, made fast friends, it seemed I had 'bloomed' social. I was outgoing and nice, though they all thought I was weird and drug addled which I was not, they were accepting of me. Things progressed and I started to loss touch with reality at times in the day. I was doing poorly in class, not able to focus enough to get any work done. I felt like my mind was broken into 4 distinct pieces and each piece was waring for dominance. One piece was a depressed me, one the normal me I was familiar with, another a 'maniac' me, as I called it, and the last a catatonic me. I was hysterical, my mood changing every which way. Happy, sad, mad, I was all over the place with no stimulus. At time I would completely shut down and not be able to move, speak, or even think. I was sent to the associate principal twice because I went catatonic and didn't move or speak for an entire class period. I was taken to the doctor and got blood work done and took an EEG, all came back normal... I began seeing a therapist at this time for attention issues, I was terrified about what was happening but I was far to scared to bring it up with the therapist or my parents.
About a half a month after school started I became mildly depressed. This was generally uneventful till one night, after about half a month of depression, I was home alone and I was watching Pan's Labyrinth and facebook chatting a friend who was talking about severe family issues. All this became overwhelming so I took my computer upstairs and I started to feel like I was losing touch with reality. I am not exactly sure what happened but suddenly I was in my head looking at a giant black cloud that was consuming my mind while simultaneously still aware of my real surroundings... I started 'screaming' on chat crying for help. i got off and was lying on the floor shaking and crying (for what turned out to be two hours) sobbing about "it coming to get me". After the direct attack stopped I was sitting and figured it was a demon that wanted to eat my mind. It wanted to add me to its collection of fallen souls to inspire feeling of sadness , hate, and fear in others. Which is how it gets into other people's minds. I figured out to combat it I needed to soak everything in happiness like how sadness soaked everything during depression.
The next morning I was happy again, laughing about what had happened on top of the world. Everything looked brighter and happier. This lasted about a week but again I was starting to lose it periodically. I would hear a voice inside my head, vaguely my own as if someone were imitating me. It would tell me to do things, to and if I did not do what it said it would blur my vision. I named it The Gardenhead. For about two weeks I would hear The Gardenhead randomly throughout the day. By the end I had figured it all out. The Gardenhead was a 5th dimensional being who was using me as a host to spread seeds of thought to plant in other peoples minds so they would grow into trees of original thought. Also during this time I was alone in my room one night when I got the idea that I needed to kill a cobra, which was the devil, it could be any cobra. I started calling around at 10 at night for a cobra... didn't come up with one. I Figured in the morning I would go to the zoo and use theirs. I also figured that I needed protection, so I took a sharpie and drew all over my torso and on part of my arm. One can guess the next couple of days in gym class were very interesting.
Soon I again became mildly depressed and stopped hearing the Gardenhead... I though I was absolutely insane, becoming schizophrenic or something. I spent a while wallowing in sorrow, self pity, and fear. I started to hear a voice again. This time it was malicious, it told me to do nasty things to people. To hurt them. I named this one Allen. Soon after though I figured this was still the Gardenhead, whom I used to consider good, showing his true colours. This lasted till the day after Halloween. I was happy again and I began smoking pot once more. I was happy, on top of the world again. superb. I stopped smoking the day after thanksgiving because the girl I knew the girl I liked would not approve. I remained happy till about December 27th.
I suddenly became very very depressed, like nothing I had ever experienced. I was in utter despair, and made a feeble attempt at overdosing. I took 8 pills, each 500mg of acetomenophen. This did not do much but hurt my short term memory for a little while. During the last happy time I had grown close to the girl I liked, actually the same one the was talking to me about family issues, and was planning to ask her out at a New Years Eve party we were going to. Having already RSVP'd I forced myself to go to the party, despite my physically painful sorrow. Barely talked the whole night, did not ask her out. I spent the next month in utter despair. Roundabouts the end of that month was the end of the semester. First day of exams, I was monstrously depressed, and after the first exam was the lunch period. I was in no mood to face all my friends. So I went to a quiet hallway to sit alone... Sitting there I was in pain from the depression, contemplating suicide. All of a suddenly the walls seemed to slowly grow... This freaked me out and I was already contemplating suicide so I decided i want to end it there. I pulled out my little tin of medication (which I carried around because I had vveerryyy frequent headaches... almost perpetual) and took 15 of the 500mg acetomenophen tablets. I went to my second exam feeling nauseous. I finished the exam quickly and poorly before passing out in my desk. At the end of the exam period I called home and skipped my third exam and went home sick. All in all I failed 3 classes that semester... and the others weren't too good.
[end of January]
A few days after the new semester began I became very dizzy and went to the nurses office to lie down... I spent three periods there and when I awoke everything looked happier and brighter and I was insanely happy. Better that ever. A miracle recovery. I spent the next month giggly, happy, minor lapses in reality. At one point I believed the secret to life was held within my blood, so I tried cutting my arms with a dull scissors, as that was all I had access to, and saw at the time blood running from the wounds... I eventually fell asleep after writing a lot of nonsensical rot to a friend. I awoke in the morning to find I did not draw blood and I have faint scars from the incident. Another time I was in world history taking a test when I started writing 'Its all okay' all over it. Then, with a soda can tab bent to be sharp, I etched that phrase into my arm. Also some nights, I heard demons running around on my roof, once one growked at me and scratched on my second story window. Through out all of this though most of my lapses from reality have been harmless, relatively uneventful, and at the height of the happiness periods, daily (though they only last a few hours).
About the end of February I suddenly became very depressed one morning. In my first hour class I attempted suicide once more and took 20 of the 500mg acetomenophen pills. I nearly passed out before I made it to the nurses office. Where I did pass out. I never let on what had happened and was sent out two periods later still feeling like I was going to hurl and not able to see straight. I went through the rest of the day like this went right to bed when I got home. the next day I went to the psychiatrist to decide once and for all if I needed A.D.D. meds. I had let on a bit with my usual therapist I was depressed quite often and with this psychiatrist I let on a bit about the happiness. Ultimately she did not prescribe me and meds saying I probably only had mild A.D.D. and said she thought I might be cyclothymic... I barely told her nearly nothing and resent her offer to prescribe antidepressants. I was also quite happy that day. since then I have been kinda mixed, happy, sad, kinda hysterical again, but not quite as much. Mood changing day to day.... its been weird. and distressing.
Well its March 11th now and i'm still mixed with happy and sad. I had quit my therapist cause I hated the guy. I am confused and lost and really distressed. Right now I am more normal than I have been in weeks and I am taking advantage of that with this. I dont know what to think, or do...
By:
unsanity
Age:
16-17
,
Male
