Finally.....someone Gives It A Name

After what seems an eternity of battling these demons someone has given them a name. Bi polar. Welcome Bi polar, I am Joanne. You have haunted me for a lifetime. You confused my thinking, made me feel insignificant, was a partner in my crimes, left me lonely and confused. I hate you, yet here I am, alone, with you as my only constant partner. I have hated you since you made your appearance over twenty years ago. I just didnt know what to call you.  You were my lonely childhood, my difficult teenage years, my drug addicted twenties, my sole partner in everything I seemed to do.  You were in my head , the voice that told me I was never good enough, fast enough, pretty enough. You were there when I had my manic highs, when I was going to take on the world and win. When I was designing my grand schemes for success. You were there when I failed. You were there when I sunk so low I had no idea there was a way out. I tried to silence you with drugs, with self mutilation. The lonlieness and desperate cries for help. I am tired. So I will take the drugs that promise to quiet the voice that is Bi polar. The LIthium to stabilise you. Maybe I will learn who I am before I run out of time.

mojo7 mojo7
41-45, F
2 Responses Mar 15, 2010

Try to find the elusive silver cloud in the bipolar life. We feel things a little differently than others. Emotions are stronger and harder. Hit us fast and easy. But with an excellent Dr who knows what she//he's doing and can help you find that wobbling tight rope walk. you will learn your own mind. You will discover how beautiful a rose can smell, that musky smell of earth. The touch of someone's hand as it gently glides down your back. All scenes seem a little more heightened-CONTROLLED bipolar. Your friend. Not your demon. At least most of the time. The hard part is truly and I mean truly accepting who you are, coming to terms with it and then loving yourself can begin. It' s possible. I stare at the many scars when I slashed in rage and hatred on my arms many years ago. A reminder and a warning that turning back is shadows and darkness. Forward is light, warm love and achievement!! Battle wounds, the victory is mine. Take care..

You already know who you are. Or you would, if you took a moment to step back and look at yourself. Observe what you do; what you think; what you want; who you choose to be with. That's who you are. <br />
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You are a person who is the sum of her experiences. You have some special experience, and painful as it has been, it has given you gifts. I don't know what those gifts are -- you'll have to figure that out. I know for me, one of my gifts has been increased sensitivity and stronger feelings of empathy.<br />
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Remember those grand schemes? Some of them have possibility. They take a lot of work and you have to scale back your goals and be very careful how you plan them, but you can accomplish something. Those schemes are not all silliness.<br />
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What do I know? Well, at least now, I know I'm not nothing. I know that some people think what I have to say is worth while. That encourages me to keep on doing it. So I'm taking more risks and writing to people I don't know. Saying things based on very little. I apologize if this is off target.