True Craziness

I'm about to do something really risky for my high.  I've planned as carefully as I can so I don't get caught.  I need it and I need some happiness.  Other than that, maybe, as my therapist says, I'm self-destructive.  I don't know if this is me or my disorder.  I wonder if it matters.  I've only got one chance at life.  I've put in my time.  I've done good.  Maybe I don't care any more what happens when I get older.  I just want to take this chance, even if I do lose everything else I care about.  Now that, in my book, is crazy!

wundayatta wundayatta
56-60, M
4 Responses Mar 16, 2010

I did it! I didn't get caught. I learned it wouldn't help me with my problem. I've started refocusing on my family and on the things I did before I got sick. I am slowly dropping away the toxic activities and taking on more constructive ones. I've been feeling a lot better for a few weeks now. Bit I still feel the pull of that risky stuff.

I once knew an 18 year old boy who had a behavior that he couldn't get away from. His behaviorial problem was stealing cars and this gave him his high. I told him that this feeling he was giving himself was not real. It was not the true self satisfying means of living life. It wasn't a week later and he was in trouble with the law. He entered my house ready to run from the police, gun and all. I sat down with him and told him that there is more he can offer this world. If he turned himself in they would provide help for him and he would get straightened out. He ended up going to prison for a year and was released on good behavior. He joined up with an automotive recycling center and started stripping cars and repairing others. <br />
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There is no behavioral high that will get you any where in life. Most behaviors like these are ones that only hurt others and cause another line of destruction in someone else's life. If your behavior is of this type then your life's purpose is to stop it now, admit your problem openly and get help. Set the example, spread the word to others that tomorrow is the day of change and it has happened because you made a difference and didn't follow that voice in your head.

No. Not a chemical substance. My high comes from a behavior. A wonderful, wonderful behavior. And highly inappropriate.

It's hell being an aging narcissist isn't it. I'm right with you. I know the boredom, the selfish delusions that I "deserve" it. We simply don't have the ability to go through the suffering without causing some major drama or at least something to get us "punished". Yes, you are screwed up, Many of us are. The self-loathing and mind-bashing are simply intolerable. I just hope your drug of choice isn't meth or crack or something really crappy. Good luck brother and may the gods make you invisible to the "man".