What's The Point?

I spent the first 53+ years of my live believing myself to be straight. I only dated a few women in high school and college. I had sex with only one of them, and it is that one that I married. We celebrated our 30th wedding anniversary this year. I have never had sex with another woman other than that one to whom I am still married.

Meanwhile, brewing under the surface was my interest and fascination with the male body. From my first view of another guy's **** in gym in junior high school, I was hooked. By high school (and full bloom of puberty) the view in the locker room was indeed intoxicating, providing sufficient motivation to produce many happy hours of ************ at home as I contemplated the ***** and hot bodies I had seen.

College provided ample opportunity for me to experience other guys, but I never availed myself of the opportunity. I remained physically in the straight camp, even though I fantasized regularly about gay and bisexual sex.

It has been ten years that I have been in a sexless marriage. I remained true to my marriage covenant, although I did succomb to **** while on business travel, throughout that time. That is... up until 2009. I finally couldn't stand it anymore. So while out of town on travel early last year I set up a private yahoo account and started exploring. I found ManHunt and SilverDaddies and created accounts there. I also found EP and started posting there. During that time I connected with two guys, both in distant towns, one half-way across the country, the other about three hours from me. We became good friends. I completely "outed" myself to both, sharing everything: my frustrations, my temptations, my desires, my guilt, my religious convictions... you name it.

By summer the desire to experience m2m inimacy was overwhelming. I finally gave in and experienced it. It has mainly been anonymous and of the quickie variety. It has been almost animalistic. All of it has been generally unsatisfying, ungratifying and pretty much sleezy feeling. All with the exception of one brief relationship with one married guy with whom I maintained a friendship for many months and with whom intimacy was shared in many intense sessions over a period of 6 weeks. That relationship ended when he moved away and our relationship became too unstable to maintain.

Through it all, only one of the two original online friends has remained an unconditionally supportive and non-judgemental friend. He has opened himself up to me as freely as I have opened myself up to him. The friendship and support I've received from him is something for which I will be forever grateful and indebted.

So what it is the point of this story? I've wanted to remain closeted. I've wanted to keep my family, friends and work associates isolated or insulated from my desires and "non-standard" behavior. So I've continued to reach out into cyberspace. Reach out for what? Connection. Connection to another man, or other men; locally, not miles and miles away. What have I achieved? Connections/friendships with men in California, Arkansas, Boston, New York, Philadelphia, Minneapolis, Brazil, Scotland, Ireland, England, Switzerland, and Germany. So what's my point? Not one of these is a connection with a man in the Washington DC area.

When I say "connection," what do I mean? I mean discovering shared values, shared interests, friendship, companionship, and even intimacy. I'd LOVE to be able to have one or more local friends with whom I could be "out," while knowing that my need to remain closeted would be respected, honored and protected, while being able to get together for lunch, or breakfast, or a short visit to a museuam during the day, or even a few hours of private intimacy.

I'm coming to realize that my expectations are both unrealistic and most likely foolish. The notion that I can be closeted and try to find some sort of meaningful physical relationship via the internet has proven both elusive and frustrating.

As I have said, I have established cyber-relationships with others who I believe to be genuine friends online. The internet is a medium, however, that fosters deceit. It is a medium that provides anonymity to people who are already trying to hide what they are and what they want from others, just like I am. Therefore those people, in such a medium, are just as likely to misrepresent and mislead others who are genuine, or who are, perhaps a little too naiive (as I suspect that I have been).

So I get approached by local people online. Interest is kindled. Supposed connections are developed. And then opportunities to meet and have lunch or share a soda fall through --- over and over and over again. There are just so many people who talk a good line but have no intention of being who or what they say. The requests for quick hook-ups come and go too, but I'm not really interested in sex as a bodily function, as a release, as a unzip-spurt-zip-and-go thing.

The only people that seem to have found a measure of happiness in their alternative sexuality, of whom I am aware, are those that have "come out" and are open with their families and spouses (or whomever) about their situations. Without exception, each has paid a price of some kind, and the price has been dear. Some are still paying the price. In some cases, family relationships have been hurt and in rare situations permanently destroyed.

I am not willing to come out. I'm not willing to sacrifice my family relationships to my desire to express freely my sexuality. So I'm left feeling the hypocrite; wanting both worlds, while denying who I am and hiding what I am from both "sides" of the fence.

I'm ready to throw in the towel and resign myself to having a cyber bi life and living my physical life in monastic solitude in a lonely marriage. I see no alternative. I'm just so tired of opening up to people who are not really being honest.

In the end, how fulfilling will a cyber bi existence be REALLY? And is it worth all of the online time to just stir up the hormones and emotions only to receive no physical fulfillment? No hand-holding, no hugs, no kisses, no one-on-one face-to-face conversations, no time shared, no physical or mental intimacy.

I am past frustrated. Resigned is probably the better word. Happy is NOT the word.

So what IS the point? You tell me.
m2mdad m2mdad
61-65, M
8 Responses Aug 13, 2010

Your situation is not uncommon, but that doesn't make it any easier to bear. I've met some lovely people online with whom I've made great friends, meeting several in person. And I've kissed a few. But that's a far cry from actually having a satisfying sex life with someone for whom I care. I wish us both luck in that pursuit!

So, m2m, this thread is like 6+ months old, and I'm wondering where you are now? I hope things are working well for you. And if not, maybe we should have a beer sometime. I'm halfway around the beltway...

LOL I'd appreciate any assistance I can get! Especially if it's a helping hand! LOL

I don't whether they are really looking up, or whether I'm just looking at things differently. In any case, I don't feel nearly as bad as last Friday. I'm feeling pretty good, actually. But don't construe that as my having gotten any in the meantime! LOL Still waiting for that "prince."

Thanks, Free! Prayers are ver much appreciated. I think God is moving in my life a bit. After the post, I was actually contacted by THREE separate local DC guys. Not sure where it will lead, and I'm taking it one step at a time. In all three cases, they have their own reasons for being as closted as I am, but all three are essentially in the same fence-straddling position that I'm in, and all are looking for the same sort of thing I'm seeking. So all in all, today I AM in a better place than I was yesterday. I've also realized that there does to be a bit of cyclicality to my feelings, so while I'm okay now, the guilt and doubt will probably return. Thanks for your support. Thanks also DJK, Jack, and Could for your support as well. It means a lot to feel supported and feel like I'm not alone, even though you all are separated from me by cyberspace. In any case, I hope you all have a great weekend!

I hear you. I'm trying to learn from the bumps on YOUR head and those of others without having my own major head trauma! So here I sit, fence firmly implanted between between my cheeks, trying to be a loving husband, father, grandfather, while I long for a caring and intimate relationship with a man. I wish the Disney song could be true for me -- Some Day My Prince Will Come... at the risk of sounding totaly contrived and trite.

Jack, thanks. I appreciate your support. I figured that I'm not the only one in this situation. I will say that outing yourself comes with a heavy pricetag. Every guy that I know who has been through it has told me that, and each still struggles with the decision -- it's impact on the family, etc. <br />
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DJK, thanks for your message. I agree that I've come to a point of honesty with myself. As for no longer living closeted and seeking, I don't know. I will not come out. I suppose it is then the seeking that I need to give up, and I'm struggling with that. It is a very real need -- that connection and physical relationship. Your wishes and prayers are deeply appreciated.

Yes, but it's also important to live happy lives... that really is the point. So I'm struggling to carve out happiness while on this difficult path. Some would say I chose the path, I'm not exactly sure that is the case, I made some choice, true, but I can't change what is inside and what I am.