The Long Story Of Myself

I guess I always knew that I wasn't straight but, it took a long journey to get to the point that I'm comfortable with being bisexual. Here's the long story: When I was young, like first grade young, I was a tomboy and didn't quite fit in (never have really.) That's when I had my first non-straight experience at a a friend's birthday party. We were all staying up late and all the girls were looking at some old Playboy magazines that were stashed in the basement. At that point it was just young girls being taboo (ooooo playboy it's dirty) because we weren't supposed to be looking at them. So, I was curious but at the time I just thought it was simple curiosity (years later I really realized.) After most of the other girls went to bed about five of us did what curious little kids do and played around. At this point it's been to long for me to remember but I do know that wasn't the only time was 'playing doctor' with other little girls. Some years passed and in fifth grade I developed a crush on a boy and after that is when things got bad. He was really the only boy up until that point that I was even remotely interested in. At the end of fifth grade, beginning of sixth puberty set in. This only cemented the isolation I felt. During this time I became extremely depressed, withdrawn and suicidal. By the time I hit twelve I was in a full blown depressive episode and wanted to kill myself. I was a complete social outcast. I thought and believed no one cared about me. I vaguely remember at one point my gym teacher keeping me after class and giving me some sort of "You're a good kid" speech. Looking back at it, she probably recognized what was going on (those female gym teacher rumors you know all know.) Somehow, I made it thought middle (sixth through eight grades) and survived it. Honestly, I don't know how. I had a couple, literally like two, friends. I think I just sort of, floated through in a daze. I was depressed though most of if it. Then somehow, I made it to high school. Which, was a relief for me. Suddenly, there was a lot less social pressure. Somewhere, somehow I decided I was going to at least get myself in a better place mentally. I blocked out so much of middle school it was difficult. Even now, I can't remember most of it. I did a lot of introspection and after several months, I ended up in my bathroom looking at myself saying "It's ok. I'm gay." Suddenly, it made sense, the girl in seventh grade that I was oddly intrigued by, the rush I felt when I saw a pin-up model. Having always felt like the outcast I felt a sense of realization of the nature of why I felt like I didn't fit in. I'd remembered something from years ago a while before I had this self revelation. I'd been about twelve or almost about to turn twelve and I'd was in my room trying to reconcile that I was a "late-bloomer" or the way I felt when I saw a women in lingerie was just curiosity about what I'd grow up into physically. I knew at the time I was kidding myself. There I was in my memory sitting on my bedroom floor rocking, sick to my stomach, telling myself "I'm not gay......I can't'm" That was the end of it. I buried it so deeply for almost five years that it caused me to spend them in a state of emotional self destruction. After that I was socially withdrawn even with my friends. I didn't know what to do. I was different. I was confused. I wanted to tell my mom but I knew that was not a good idea. Finally, one of my two close friends told me that if I didn't talk to her I needed to go talk to the guidance counselor, or she would tell me I needed to talk to him herself. So, I went and I talked to him. I went in and was so scared and shy. (It was, is and has been a long process for me to trust anyone because of my mom and my personality.) He was very patient and just gently probed me about what my problem was. He would ask my questions like if it was about me or other people. This went on for an hour until he drilled it down enough that we both knew what I was trying to talk to him about. He finally gently and with much support asked me if I was gay. I quietly said yes. This wonderful man reassured me that it was ok and that I would be ok. Eventually, the next year I told my friend that urged me to speak with the counselor. Then, I told another close friend. The first friend had figured it out. The other one kind of freaked a little at first but then it was no big deal. We went on with the school year. That's when what I thought was my new self awareness was turned upside down. There was this guy in my geometry class. Looking back on it I was instantly attracted to him but at the time I was so confused that I was oblivious. After a few weeks I told him that I thought I was gay. Somehow, this ended up in us dating. I was really sexually attracted to him. I just went with it. We didn't go all the way but I wanted to, badly. We eventually broke up. I was heart broken but that's young love for ya. I have to say he was my first love. I had decided that I was sexually "flexible" and that I was probably mostly lesbian but bi depending. I ended up just declaring myself a lesbian and after I came out in high school It wasn't easy. I would get things thrown at me, slurs and insults yelled at me, and I'd get put in awkward situations in class. I was afraid to be by myself after school for theater practice. Lucky for me I had friends in the group who would look after me. I made my first gay guy friends then. I dated a girl casually and then somehow I got hooked up with a girl that I dated all through senior year and then a year after I graduated.She ended up being my first real sexual experience. I do have to note that when I was a senior I met a man I fell in love with at first sight. He was a friend of a friend and I found him attractive, handsome and intriguing. He was a geek and I was just fascinated at the time by all the things he knew and his looks. The relationship was interesting. Probably not healthy but interesting. We practically lived together because we spent so much time together. It was a good time. We went to Pride and just were together. Then **** hit the fan. My mom, had a habit of spying on me. She went through my stuff one night and found a business card I'd printed with my personal webpage on it. This led to her going through more of my stuff. She found.....well let's say most people don't want their mother finding their 'toys' or ****. It wasn't pretty. I came home after working late (one in the morning) to an email from her asking "How stupid do you think we are?" I freaked. I wanted to leave. There was a talk at about two in the morning. The odd thing was after that night nothing was said about it again. The awful thing was that my mom seemed like the kind of liberal mother that would be ok with having a lesbian/bi daughter but I almost didn't have a home that night. I guess it's ok if its in a movie but not ok if it's your own daughter. I continued to date my girlfriend and eventually I got hooked up online (behind her back, and to this day I feel horrible about doing it but we should have been broke up a long time before that happened) with a guy. I had an online relationship with him. Most of it was sex driven. Cyber sex, phone sex that kind of thing. She eventually found out. We didn't break up then but a few months later it was just time. After all the exgirlfriend drama I had a few dates with a guy who was a friend of a friend. Then I started hanging around a group of friends that included the guy who I'd previously mentioned as the one I feel for at first sight. Eventually, I became good friends with him. I was falling more and more in love with him. The problem was he had an on again off again relationship with a girl who was currently out of state for school. Then, one night it all changed. He told me he needed to talk to me. We had a long conversation and I confessed my love for him. He told me that his 'on hold' girlfriend had cheated on him and that now he had nothing holding him back to tell me that he loved me as well. Things progressed from there. We ended up happily married. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I've gotten to a place where I'm comfortable with myself. It irritates me people think that bisexuals are "slutty" or "greedy" because I almost lost myself and my life because I didn't want to admit who I really was,
xnihilx xnihilx
26-30, F
2 Responses Aug 6, 2010

Alicia: My husband obviously knew what my orientation was when he married me. For the most part it's really just there. We are not really the types of people to go around and say "oh he's hot" or "she's hot." Really we are both somewhat reserved now when it comes to that sort of thing. So, I guess he sees me as his spouse and not that I'm bi. <br />
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Lately, I've been a little more open with people about my orientation. It's difficult because I was "out" in highscool/college and then I got married and have some different friends/aquaintances. It's like coming out all over again. He's been patient with me. Sometimes I think that deep down he feels a little threatened by it but not any different than some men or women would feel nervous by normal external factors in a non mixed orientation marriage. <br />
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Basically, we are married and devoted to one another and that's that. Like I said in my post just because someone is bi doesn't mean they fit a stereotype or being promiscuous or that they can't be with one person/gender.

Its nice to know I'm not alone. After reading your story I realized for how long I was actually attracted to other girls. In high school the first wet dream I ever had was where I was a guy ******* a girl. I'm like you too in the sense that I would prefer to be in an actual relationship with a man but am sexually attracted to women as well. I have enjoyed several ********** with varius boyfriends. The third party always being another girl. I wonder how does your husband feel about your bi-ness?