I Am Confused!

So, i know that i like boys since 6th grade i think... That's when everything started.
I started watching gay **** with straight **** ( i'd watch one one day and another the other day ). I have never had any experiences with boys, only girls. Nobody knows that secret. I'm craving for boys, if i can put it in that way, cause its easier with girls - i can have them whenever i want to, its not so complicated. But with boys, its so difficult ( it doesnt have to be, but i put it in that way because i dont want to come out of the closet or how do u call that, i dont want people to know that i like boys also so... its hard to find someone. ) I've registered here because i have to let all that out of me. I cant talk with anyone about that. So, you guys dont know who i am and thats easier for me, and you probably arent judgemental here as society out there is. Girls say that imma player, but im not. I have never had sex also so, im a almost 19year old virgin yea. Girls also say that im real ''hot ***'' and that i can have every girl i want - i dont believe in this either. My self confidence sucks haa!
Anyways, yeah.. Sometimes i scroll through the tumblr blogs with hot boys and imagine how it would be to have someone like that, kiss em, try everything with 'em. I would really want to try it. I use chats on internet a lot ( gay&bi also ) and i have had so many interests in me but in neither of them all i find what im looking for. I have high standards but i don't have a type of boy/girl. When i see him/her, then i know if he/she is hot 2 me. When i look on chats, i search for normal, not sexually obsessed, hot, cute, fit guys. Girly guys dont attract me. It would be so nice to find that someone with who id do everything, slowly... Slowly because of my insecurities, i probably would regret my actions after so.. I dont know.. Once in my life i bumped into some guy i met online in the club and it was so weird cause i thought that he was hot when we were skyping but in person, i wasnt even attracted (sexually) and i was like, i felt nervous and not so good, like, it was disgusting to me even realizing that id have something with him, physically. I am really confused. I dont consider myself straight, cause i obviously have things for boys. But what if im gay?! Maybe thats something known deep inside me, waiting for special someone to come out. But until then... I wont stop searching...


:)