Painfully Trapped


This is the story about how I managed to trap myself. I am a 20 year old female, who is living in a country where by homosexual & bisexual relationships are punished by law - Jail sentence. So no one is gay/lesbian out in the open, but whatever happens behind the scenes stays behind the scenes. We keep our sexuality to ourselves.  

For most of my life I knew I was attracted to girls, but I never acted on it, its been a constant battle with my mind. While all my friends were going out with guys, I sat there fantasizing about girls, I felt anything but normal. Then throughout my High school years I start getting attracted to certain type of guys as well, however girls where always dominating my thoughts. I finally began to except that I am BI.  

But now! Right now! I am deeply in love with a girl who happens to be a very close friend, however … she is straight and madly in love with her boy friend. She is the most beautiful lady I have ever met. She is tall, white, with brown hair and brown eyes.  She isn’t from my country so she speaks with an accent, which makes her even more cute. She always smells good no matter what. Sometimes when we hug goodbye I forget to let go, because when I am in her arms, so close to her warmth, her fragrance, it makes me forget life and all the problems with it.    

As for me, I am a whole 20 centimeters shorter than her, I am also younger by 3 years and I have a baby face. So I often get treated as a child. But if its her I wouldn’t mind. I love the way she places her hand on my forehand and kisses it, like people do to children when they are upset.(benefits of being treat like a child) I love making her cook for me. Although she is the worst cook ever. I will eat what ever she cooks with a smile (except if it looks poisonous then I will have to take over and cook). I love how she analysis me and tries her best to understand me. How she talks to me, and how we talk about parts of our lives together. How we can have our own moments with no intrusion. How she knows what mood I am in when I call her, just by her hearing my voice. How she can take my breathe away when she dresses up.  

But she is madly in love with her boy friend and him with her. And I am happy that he is treating her well. I am also happy to spend this much time with her as her friend, and have her care for me as a friend. But I am in pain! I want to hold her face in my hand as I move closely to kiss her on the lips. I want to hold her in my arms for as long as I can. I want to lay my head on her chest and listen to her heart beat and let the rhythm sooth me. I want her to be mine, But I cant do/have any of this.

I cant tell her any of this either because I might loose her. I cant be with her because its killing me, and I have tried being without her it killed me as well. I want my pain to stop. I want to get out of this trap I got caught in. I feel like someone is chewing a bit of my soul away daily. And I cant talk to anyone because no one knows I am Bi. To be honest this is the first time I say it out.   Someone please save me or help me save myself

soulsearchingidiot soulsearchingidiot
18-21, F
3 Responses Mar 16, 2009

Dear girl,I cannot do anything for you except sympathising for you.Only I can offer you my shoulder to cry on and can help anyway with my hands arms and lips.Sigh...............

I know how you feel, been there.....I think I drove two of my best girlfriends away because I let it be known and it's funny because one of them was curious enough to lead me on for a day, and the other led me on for 8 years. It never works though. You have to move on and find someone who will want you back wholeheartedly. Good luck. :)

It is difficult to deal with that i know from experience but i guess you can kinda say you can get over it kind of i have had a crush on a girl since i was 11 and im 18 now and she is one of my close friends i cant get ride of the crush but things will happen in ways you wont understand and you can move on