I Can Be Such a Mess Sometimes

This story could have gone into several groups, and maybe it should be in another one, but this is the one I am putting it into for obvious reasons.  So, yes, it was probably my raging PMS-hormones that lead me to break down and cry, but it was the situation that My Love and I are put into that triggered it.  And while this group is for Lesbians, this situation is the same for gay men and for transgendered people and for me as a bi-sexual, since I am in a lesbian relationship. 

Anyway, last night I went home as usual after work and was going to cook dinner for my partner.  She has been working really long hours for the past few days, and I understand that and I have been really trying to be as supportive as possible.  She is getting her PhD and she is reading and writing and checking and re-searching and re-reading and re-writing and all the while teaching all the sh! t courses that the already tenured faculty don’t want to teach, and meeting with students because she believes in that, and is just getting worn out.  I know all this.  I am also totally in love with her, and with me that means I am also totally in lust with her, and the last time we really made love was last Friday, so I was feeling the need for a little intimacy last night.  I’d planned on giving here a nice meal and doing the cleanup myself and then laying on a seduction.  But instead, I got home and found that she needed to go back to her campus to get more articles and books AGAIN… just as she has had to do for the last couple of days.  This meant that she was planning another late night of work. 

I truly want to be the best possible wife I can be for her, so I swallowed my whining and said I would help.  We went off to her office so I could do some of the computer work while she went to the library and once we were finished I figured we could skip the cooking and cleaning part of the evening by hitting a diner on the way back home and that might still save the evening for BOTH of us, if you get my drift. 

We went to our local diner which was reasonably crowded for a Monday night, but we got a nice booth.  I so totally wanted to sit next to her and feel her and flirt a bit, but I sat across from her and we ordered our meals.  She got herself her normal salad and ice tea and I got a grilled chicken sandwich and a glass of wine.  Maybe it was the PMS, which I admit I get bad, maybe I was tired, maybe it was the wine, but I really started to feel a bit depressed.  I wanted to hold her hand, I wanted to kiss her fingers and her lips, I wanted to show my love for her… but whenever I started to do this I could feel people look at us.  I could feel their eyes on us.  This is not just paranoia.  I think every gay, lesbian or tranny person out there, even in NYC or SF can tell you this is the case.  We are still not “normal” in society.  We may not make everyone want to vomit on our shoes, but we still attract stares when we show our feelings.  And I am so FREAKING TIRED of it!  I am FREAKING TIRED of being starred at when I put my arm around my girlfriend.  I am FREAKING TIRED of having guys leer at me and women look startled when I give her a kiss.  I am tired of disapproving looks, pursed lips and kids being distracted by their parents when I am being LESS friendly with her than I have been with a half-dozen of the guys I have dated!   

It got to me.  It added to my depression, it added to my hormones racing around inside me and I was a silent, moping mess in the car back to the house.  My Love could tell something was wrong and tried to talk to me but I wasn’t in the mood for it.  She had her work to do and it was more important than me.  I just sat there and when we got home I did my best to disappear and leave her to her work.

 

I went outside to walk and think.  I got as far as our pond where I go whenever I have to do some serious thinking, I like to talk to the fish who live there, but it was getting dark, and there is still a think layer of ice on a lot of the pond, so I couldn’t even find them.  They had more important things to do than talk to me too.  I sat down and started to cry. 

I heard her leave the house and walk to me and I tried to stop crying but I just couldn’t.  She sat down next to me and put an arm around me and asked me to just talk.  To just talk about anything.  It all came out.  I told her how I felt and why I was crying and how I hate my period and my pms and society and being starred at and her being busy and how I hated myself for being so selfish and not putting her first. 

Then we were both quiet for a few moments.  It was getting cold out and she held me closer to her and I loved that.  Then she tilted my face to hers and kissed me and said,

“You need chocolate and we both need to go inside.  How about some hot chocolate, I’ll make it for us.”   

I smiled at her, still sniffling and teary, but smiling, because the idea of her making hot chocolate, or anything else in the kitchen more challenging than instant coffee really is funny, but we got up and went in. 

As we walked in she talked.  She told me how she felt responsible for my feelings, how she has had years to get used to peoples’ stares, their curiosity, even their animosity.  She also knows how I have told her that I can get very emotional before my period and how she should have been more considerate and seen this coming.   

She stared at our cabinets in the kitchen and I reached around her and got the can of Ghirardelli Hot Cocoa mix out.  She told me how she felt responsible for me, since she had introduced me to her lifestyle, not the other way around.  She was looking at the pots we have in the lower cabinets and I got out the right sized one.  She said that things were better now than they were even a few years ago and that it wouldn’t surprise her if gay marriages weren’t common in most states soon.  I reached around her as she looked at what we had in the refrigerator and got out the milk, measured everything out, got the stirring spoon and moved her away from the oven. 

“I’ll do this, my love,” I said.   

She looked at me and said, “But I said I’d do it.” 

“You’ve already done what you set out to do.” 

“Feeling better?” 

“I am.” 

“How about we goto bed early tonight?” 

“Maybe” I said.  “But you have your work to do.  I really do want to be a supportive wife to you and help you get it all done.” 

She rubbed my back with her hand and put her lips to my ear.  “I can be a supportive spouse too, you know.” 

I smiled at her again.  “I know you can be.  And I love you.” 

She kissed me and said, “And I love you, with all my heart.” 

I felt a lot better.  But I still have this damn PMS. 

SaratogaGirl SaratogaGirl
26-30, F
15 Responses Mar 17, 2009

I have learned a few things from reading all these post. We are just going to be us and if they don't like it, to bad. I like the picture idea, maybe I'll even bring the small camera!

thanks jen. ha, ha -- it probably would work! It was just getting to me, you know how it can sometimes. Plus the time of month. sigh. I'm better now.

OK, but I will.

your killing me sara, ok i won't. that's funny.<br />
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think about it though i used to be very affectionate and loving anywhere my wife and i were. poeple seem to stare i don't belive it's becuase you with another woman or a man with a man. i just beleive people that don't have the courage to be affectionate in public are the ones you will get the stares from.<br />
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what the hell do i know, you don't have to answer.

OK, I won't.

stgirl,Your relationship is like husband and wife.You behave like my wife.What the hell till date she is shy if I hold her hand in the public and she feels that everybody is looking at us.Actually that is your feeling.But behaving in public like husband and wife by lesb,or gays will surely be attracting the public attention.Try to avoid it and you will not have any problem.this is my thought,no need to agree.

Hmmmm...When I go to the beach and see two women holding hands or touching, sometimes I stare. Not because I'm shocked or disgusted, but because I am UBER jealous! *smile* I'm thinking "I want to be able to do that, but I can't find anyone to do it WITH!" So, I'm sorry if I am one of those who made you uncomfortable, but think about it this way...maybe the looks are from a jealous standpoint, and not disapproval! You are so very lucky to have a relationship like this.

Im so glad you shared this story with everyone. It made me smile .. you obviously love each other very much and know each other inside out ! Everyone has ups and downs and PMS is cruel lol but what you have shown is love cures all and as long as you have each other you will get through anything. :)

Beautiful story of human connection. Thank you for sharing it.

Hey there, reading your story brought about a mixture of emotions within me. I admire the relationship you have got going on. One day I hope to have a partner that I can have a similar relationship with. <br />
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Although your story scares me a little about coming out and telling people about me, especially since im from an arab country I feel it is much tougher..I now feel that if I have someone that I can lean on and get support from, I can push through no matter what. =) Thanks

Thanks again. And Hazuki, I know that this is only partial comfort to you now, but college will be easier for you if you go on there. Hang in there, sister, and follow your heart and your head.

i read your story the whole way through. it touched me in a way. you see when im with my partner i just want to be close to her and hold hands and kiss her but people stare. i know exactly how you feel about the stares, i wish people would stop staring to but apparently when they see a gay couple their eyes just have to me glued to them. its especially hard since im in high school so there are also rumors flying around. i admire you for putting up with everything i also admire you for your deep love for one another i could sense it as i read i hope you guys are happy together for many years. :)

Thanks to both of you. Really.

The love is always there but the world is to. I hate labels from others, but that's the world. The other, we all have that:( but the ending is the love showing. It is always there and that's the important part. You two are perfect.

That was a very nice story i read it all the way through and I will say first of all that its quite nice to meet you and secondly you both seem to have a deep love for each other in that even though life can get crazy for both of you there is still a desire to care about each other or as the song says " ill stop the world and melt with you" That statement says it all in this life i believe we all have to stop once in awhile to connect with each other. Your love cared deeply for you just to make you feel better and you cared deeply about her just to help her with her work ....a very unselfish relationship as i see it. <br />
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The second part about this is that part about the feeling you get when you are out iwth your love. I used to feel the exact same way. As time goes on you do get used to it and the person you are with will be all that matters to you ...it will get easier and yes our pms days are a great reflect on our emotions and the perspective we are able to see things in at times but its also a true part of us coming out that we tend to shelve when we are having good times. Not that important all the time but every now and then it just comes out involuntarily....thank you for sharing this with us and you are not alone many of us have felt exactly as you do....that is the normal part of this whole situation. Im glad you have a love that shelters you and holds you close through these rough moments. hugs to you