Everyone Has Their Own Sexuality

I am a bisexual female, I happy and embrace this; however, it has caused me a great deal of frustration and confusion.  The more I analyse the more confused I become.  I have reached a sort of peace with it now and know that I can like and probably always will have the potential to like both men and women.  I could say that I am unlabelled and for a while I did seem to fight labels, society kind of makes me feel like I should know what I am and that there is comfortable box waiting for me where there will be lots of other people experiencing the same thing as me.  The best thing that anyone ever said me during my sexual identity revolution was that “everyone has their own sexuality”, this phrase has never left me, it reminds me that I am unique person whose sexuality experience is mine and mine alone.  No one can define me, not even I can do that, I am indefinable and changeable and that in itself is beautiful.

I got my crush on a women when I was about 10, she was a TV presenter, I didn’t really understand my fixation with her but it didn’t stop me indulging my crush.  Many more crushes followed on from that, teachers and celebrities and people at a distance.  I didn’t get my first crush on a male until I was 15, I had my first boyfriend and snog at 13 but I didn’t fancy him.  During my teens for some reason I did not analyse my bisexuality, it didn’t even question it, I just knew it was there and hoped it was just a phase.

When I was 18 I went university and had my first love, he was my next door neighbour and I fell for him hook line and sinker.  We were going out for a while, but in the end, he just didn’t like me as much as I liked him and that hurt a lot and I continued to fancy him for the rest of the year.  The following summer I had a huge crush on a girl and someone asked me if I had ever fancied a girl, that was the first time that anyone asked me and I came clean without any hesitation.  From that point on I went from non analysis to deep analysis, I really started to question not only my sexuality but who I was.  I felt like I didn’t know who I was anyone; I looked back at past experiences and could see clear as day that I was not very straight at all.  I went through a revolution, it was intense and exciting, I questioned everything and wanted to make mind up about everything.  I philosophised everything with anybody that would listen, questioning my sexuality unleashed something in me, I look back at that phase and I think it was very constructive it seemed to mirror the person that I would become.

During this phase I succumbed to labels and I considered myself to be gay and at the time, that did make sense I had a few lesbian experiences and didn’t seem to fancy any men.  I experimented with both men and women; I thought that would help clarify my sexuality.  It didn’t though I just ended up in uncomfortable experiences with people that I was really attracted to and didn’t feel any clearer about my sexual orientation.  I can fancy people of either gender, but don’t fancy many people and don’t seem to desire sex unless I have a connection.  It was like I was trying to force something that wasn’t right because I wasn’t with the right person.  Now I have come to peace with my lack of sexual experience, I know that I am bisexual and I don’t need to have sex to clarify that.  I know that when I meet the right person desire will take over anyway; all I need to do is let desire lead the way.

To this day I am still confused about my sexuality but I don’t analyse it anymore, I am at peace with my confusion and will let things be as they are.  For me it is not about the gender it is about the person and I have my own unique sexuality and that is fine with me!

eelarc eelarc
26-30, F
8 Responses Feb 8, 2010

Brilliant...by making peace with your confusion you've done the best thing - eradicated the labels. lots of happiness to you.

umm im a lesbian im only 14 people say ill never find anyone...you think thats true????

Thank you Reina - maybe I do have to accept just that "I will always be confused". Perhaps sexuality is not something that we are meant to analyse, its not like painting, you can't look at it and pick out the finer details. Sexuality is ever evolving, dynamic and changeable, it just is. Like you I may come to points in my analysis when I feel like I have reached an answer, but that answer never trully fits and this leads to more confusion. We need to stop trying to define our sexualities and just experience it for what it is and I think something that I have to accept is that there will be calmer times in my experience of sexuality despite me wanting to figure it right now. THERE IS NO ANSWER and we are wasting valuable thought time trying to find one, despite knowing this I will still continue to seek clarification in a sea of confusion. <br />
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My problem is that i really do want to enjoy my sexuality but it just doesn't seem to be happening for me! So then I question why, why, why not?

You may always be confused, as I may always be confused... Like you, I've had a powerful urge for a long, long time to analyze my sexuality... after a peaceful period of not analyzing but just knowing that I liked this or that girl. Like you, I resisted labels... Even when I reach an answer that sounds good, I can't keep from analyzing and feeling confused, you know? But I want to remind you... that you ARE right in thinking that everyone has their own sexuality... and whether or not it has to do with gender... it is a beautiful thing that you can love either. This doesn't mean you can love just ANYBODY, though, just the way that "straight" doesn't mean that one woman can love ANY man... We have standards. Those standards are more confusing when you love both genders, but... this makes you unique and extra empathic to those around you with unique sexualities. I think that you should try to understand your sexuality as you ENJOY it... if you happen to be in a sexual experience that you really enjoyed... you're on the right path. That much is worth knowing. :)

I feel exactly the same as you! I have always considered myself straight until my first attraction to a woman about 7 years ago. I am now in my first lesbian relationship and she is the one for me. People have asked me if I am gay, but I cannot say that I am wholeheartedly. I sometimes wish that I did feel that way to make it easier for them and myself to understand. I have come to terms though that I am just me. I cannot define my sexuality. I truly believe that who a person is is what is attractive to me. It's been a rough road, but happiness is worth it. Thank you for your post!

Thanks for the comments everyone!<br />
Ricky - I guess you are right that its everyone else this is confused, they cannot always understand something unless they have experienced it themselves. I once read an article where the auther used the phrase 'true bisexual' to describe someone, it made me think, well what is a true bisexual? It felt like they were implying the a true bisexual was rare and that everyone else who claimed to be bisexual was just confused. A lot of people assume that bisexuality is like a half way house between being gay and straight. If I were to go out with a man I would still be bisexual and vice versa if I were to go out with a women I would still be bisexual, even if it was just me that knew it! Bisexuality is a genuine sexuality, which in actual fact we all have the potential to fall into at some stage because like you 'its just wonderful to be able to love.<br />
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Marriedtobf - I hope that you are right!<br />
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Bonds - for a long time I was confused because I couldn't figure out if it was lesbian or bi, but I know that I am bi, that was just me trying to fit in I guess. I think I am confused more because I don't fall for people very often and want to have that experience of being in love with someone who is in love with me. So its not so much confusion around sexuality its more about that experience that I haven't had and wanting to know what that is like.<br />
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Michelle56 - I would be nice if I did find my soul and I will embrace either gender! I don't want to put all my hopes onto finding a soul mate because I want to be secure in myself!

What are you confused about? I think your last line summed it up. It is not about gender, it is about the person. Having sex with someone you have an emotional connection raises it to making love. A much more fulfilling experience. You can enjoy being with either gender. <br />
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If you are confused that you may be a lesbian vs. bisexual, that may be something to think about.<br />
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I'm guessing you are confused because you really have not accepted your sexuality. Celebrate your sexuality. Don't fear it.

Good answer ricky41! Thanks.<br />
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Eelarc - if your last paragraph is true - you are in for a fine life and you've made it through the rain. (or is barry manalow too gay for this topic?) :0