I Wish I Could Just Be Gay

I am a bisexual female in a hetero relationship. I've struggled with my sexuality for a long time, swinging between bi and lesbian. I want so badly to just be a lesbian, but I can't deny the fact that I like men too. Most of my relationships have been with men, but only because most women won't date bi girls. Especially femme bi girls who mostly date men. When I'm dating a woman, I miss being with a man. When I'm with a man, I miss being with a woman. I feel like I will also be unfulfilled in my life unless I am with both a man and a woman, and those relationships never work out. So I have to cope with the fact that I will always be left wanting something more. It would be so much easier if I were just gay, I really don't want to be straight, then I could find one person to be totally satisfied with. Its even harder because some of my work friends are gay/bi, but I haven't been able to talk to them about what I'm going through, because how do you bring that up in conversation?  And my boyfriend isn't exactly supportive of my sexuality, it scares him because he thinks I am going to leave him for a woman. Which is not that far from reality, but I can't tell him that. Add to the fact that I live in a small city in the Bible belt, and it just spells that I will be miserable the rest of my life. 

shygrl85 shygrl85
22-25, F
14 Responses Feb 11, 2010

I'm so glad I don't do this to my boyfriend. I'm gay and he's bi. Though we haven't done it extremely often, there are times when he needs a woman's touch and I don't deny him that. In fact I encourage it. Because I enjoy his happiness and would never go out of my way to stifle who he truly is. He's never asked, but if he wanted a girlfriend I would allow it. As long as he knew and understood that she came second at all times.

Wow there are so many guys who would be supportive of having a bi girlfriend who gets with girls (with or without him), as long as you don't intend to leave. Or a 3 way relationship. I mean I think that's super hot and I have asked out lots of girls on OKCupid who are listed as bi. They usually don't respond who knows why, maybe so many guys have the same idea haha :-).<br />
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Anyway you're a woman, us guys have to spent tons of effort trying to get a girl, but it is relatively speaking much easier for you to date! I mean I'm a guy who doesn't excel at dating and I've been alone for the last 5 years, it made me a bit sad. So in comparison be thankful you aren't me, and enjoy your sensuality and do what you want. That's your gift as a woman so you may as well put it to use. Be thankful for the opportunity you have and realize things could be much worse. And no one can stop you, if you want a guy -- lucky guy, if you want a girl -- lucky her, if you want a guy and a girl -- lucky guy and gal :-)

To be honest with you I strongly believe that you need a time out from a relationship and rejuvenate yourself and think about what sex you would be happier with.I support you all the way and I could imagine how it feels.And you should have a talk with your boyfriend and tell him how you feel.And as with co-workers talk about your relationships with them they will most likely understand because they are bisexual or gay.<br />
I strongly believe that you should really think about if you want to be with a man/women and what kind of person you would see yourself in the future with and good luck hun :)

i often wish i was just gay. but im not. i dont think i'd like to be with both though, i could not do that... and Im bi!!! lol i'd have to be with either a girl or a guy, but having said that, i think i would be more unhappy commiting myself to a relationship with a man, than with a woman. wow were a troubled bunch

So... please don't think that you will be miserable for the rest of your life! I know it's scary and difficult and sad and frustrating... but please don't give up! Like the first person who posted under your story said - life's too short to be miserable! Make it short and sweet, not short and miserable. I'm here for you if you need to talk! Really, really!<br />
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That goes for pretty much everyone else who posted in here, too. I loved your answers. x) Y'all are making me want to find myself a sweet and open and fun and adventurous bi girl to have an open relationship with! :P

Wow! Your story really resonates with me. I also swing between bi and lesbian, and I've only been in hetero relationships with guys who are afraid I will leave them for a woman... and though I never did out of loyalty to them and a lack of chances, the truth is that I wanted to. I did want a woman all for me. Then, when I finally found women to mess around with, I realized that I still liked to mess around with guys, too, and I worry that when I have a girlfriend, I will miss guys, and I will feel the way I did when I had my boyfriends, but reversed between genders. I, too, wish I could just be a lesbian. It's nice to hear that someone else feels the way that I do - REALLY nice.<br />
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I think the main difference between you and me is that you live in... the Bible belt (wherever that is), and I live in Austin, Texas, where I think that it is not true that lesbians don't want to date femme bi girls. I am good friends with at least three lesbians that I can think of right at the top of my brain, and they are interested in and date all sorts of girls, most of them femme-looking, and they themselves are femme. So, either you haven't met the right women in your town, or you might try moving to a more liberal place, like over here where I am, or you can try OkCupid.com! Totally serious. :)<br />
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Lastly, what you need to do is... have faith in yourself. Enjoy your sexuality, whether with a man or a woman, with or without worries and doubts. When you find someone that you love, truly love, high above everyone else and perhaps even yourself, I'm sure that they will be enough for you. There was ONE person that made me feel like my love was in a secure place, like I didn't care about sex or messing around with other people or even my own sexual orientation (which is amazing and near impossible!)... I just wanted to be with her, only her!... Alas, she is straight and we can never be together as more than friends, but I have learned something very important because of this. I have found out that I am capable of a most wholesome and trustworthy love. I am sure that you are, too.<br />
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Good luck! Thank you for your post. Sorry if I overloaded you with information. >< I really do get what you're saying! I'm happy to know I'm not the only bi girl in that particular situation we share.

I lost someone who sounds just like you. If I were your boyfriend I would do everything I knew how to let you know you were loved, and if you need to be with a different kind of person than me to feel complete, you should try. If we could both still feel loved then it would be worth it.

i could never tell my men that i loved women too....i just said they really didnt know me a cxxk is so good but a soft woman i think better.....janey

i have trouble feeling fulfilled being with just one or the other too. a few lesbians i've spoken to about it say they prefer not to date bi chicks because they think they'll leave them for a guy. it's mind-boggling to me. i guess it's the same on both sides, but it's such a ridiculous idea. i don't think we're any more likely to leave our partners for someone else than a straight or gay person is. i mean, our whole thing is that gender doesn't really matter! lol. it is sad, though, to hear he's not too supportive of your sexuality. to me, that would be kind of a dealbreaker. when you say "those relationships never work out", being with a man and a woman, do you mean for yourself or is that the impression you have of them? nothing is impossible, sweetie. i think it takes a certain kind of person to make that relationship work - being in a relationship with one person is hard enough - but if you find you can't be truly happy with just one person, i really think you should follow your heart. you should never settle for something in a relationship. it doesn't do either of you any good if you're unhappy. it will probably be harder to find something that works, but maybe in the end it would be worth it. i don't have the answers to your situation, some of it's a little too familiar and i'm still trying to work out how to get what i need, but there's my two cents. i sound so optimistic but i'd probably be feeling that cynical too. best wishes to you..

Hey there.<br />
Don't sweat it. You have lots of time.<br />
I'm married to a man. We are always in search of a woman to join us. He was a little insecure at first - but our relationship is solid. We have worked hard on our marriage and are to a point where we know another could never come between us (emotionally ;) ;). We love ********* sex and if and when we ever find another woman to join us for more than just sex - then I will have it all!!!! <br />
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be patient.<br />
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be kind to yourself.<br />
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don't wish to be anything other than what you are.<br />
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there is nothing wrong with you. <br />
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:)<br />
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Cheers<br />
~L~

im also bi and in a hetro relationship... i love my bf but i cant stop finkin bout women!!

try dating a bi female that dates guys too and have a open relionship......where u both can be together an have a bf at the same time......that way everyone is happy

shygirl, you are actually in a very good position. You can easily enjoy your sexuality. I've met very few men that would balk at an FFM and even if he does balk at first, he'll come around with a little time - plant the seed and it will grow in his mind - but make it about him - not you. You will end up with exactly what you want in the long run and eventually, you'll even be able to pursue your bi side without him with his approval!

Lifes too short Baby, to be miserable. I'm bi and I really enjoy it. I've had some great sex in my life and still do when I can. I've been married a long time and have good sex with my wifeand the sometimes I have sex with another couple or sometimes another man. I love to suck amother mabs **** but I also like licking *****.