I Buried It For Years.

Up until high school, I thought being gay was wrong, but then during my sophomore year my view changed. My best friend since sixth grade (we'll call her Julie for this) and I both liked the same guy, but I was too shy to flirt with him or even talk to him unless he talked to me first. She's more outgoing than me, so he ended up asking her out. I was crushed at first and got this huge feeling of jealousy whenever I saw them together. They didn't last very long, maybe 6-8 weeks, and then broke up, and suddenly I had no interest in him. Then she started dating this new guy who I didn't like, but I suddenly found myself really jealous and thought I liked him. But when they broke up, I went back to not liking him. Then she got a new boyfriend and the same thing happened. And again and again. I was always jealous of her relationships, even when I had a bf of my own. After this went on for a while, I realized that it wasn't the guys I was interested in. It was her. Once that sunk in, I found myself more and more fantasizing about girls, mostly models, actresses and other celebrities I knew I had no chance of ever meeting, but over the next year or so, I found myself having dreams about my friends or other girls I knew. I thought it was really weird and wrong at first, and was even disgusted by it (I was raised in a small town where homosexuality is always looked down on, joked about, etc, where being called "gay" was an insult). But the longer I went ignoring it, the harder it got to ignore. Until sophomore year, I used to stay over at my female friends' houses sometimes...you know, sleepover parties and stuff. But one of the times, we were having a lot of fun and were really hyper and then a guy called to ask Julie out. After she hung up, she did her little happy dance and gave me a hug.....and I kissed her on the lips. It surprised both of us, and it kinda killed the excitement. Then she didn't talk to me for about a week afterward. We started talking again, but our friendship kinda fizzled out. She told our friends and suddenly I was "the lesbian" at school, no longer welcome at my lunch table. It hurt a lot, so I tried hard to bury it and pretend to be "normal" again, and eventually escaped the loser/outcast status by being like super-straight....avoiding saying anything that could be taken as flirting to other girls, dating the few guys who didn't reject me, all that stuff. And when I graduated, I got as far away as I could, coming out here to California for college, where I opened up to girls again little by little, til I had my first girlfriend.

It sucked not being able to tell girls how I felt about them, but it wasn't like I was living a lie or anything. I did/do like guys too. It's just that the one person I really wanted to be with, Julie, was the one person who wanted nothing to do with me after she found out. So I hid all my interest in girls and pretended to be completely straight til I graduated, moved away, and could start all over as me, the bisexual girl.

KaBe22 KaBe22
18-21, F
4 Responses Mar 12, 2010

i wrote some stories and blog that may help.

good for you. it is very freeing to admit what you really feel.

People are cruel and can put enormous pressureson others. You sound cool. Just beyourself and enjoy.

I am being myself now. But back then, it was a lot different for me