The Fight Continues



                I wouldn’t call it a crisis of faith.  It was more of an intolerable decrease of the level of joy that bothered me this morning.

I had awoken roughly and I really wasn’t ready to move out of bed.  After two, long minutes of the alarm clock demanding my full consciousness, I finally got up and shut it up.

                My morning philosophy is simple: since I’m awake and I’m not late, I might as well get ready for work.   As the sleepiness begun to wear off, I’ve began the process of turning on some form of music.  Today, I wanted a change, I wanted to the first song I hear to be of praise of Him, so I turned what I considered to be a popular source of praise in worship I would be right up my alley.  I searched for Israel Houghton through Rhapsody and listened to a couple of his songs that were familiar to me first then clicked his fan station, thus allowing a plethora of praise and worship to break the sluggishness of my mind and increase the tempo of this morning’s crawling, uncooperative  pace. 

As I was ironing, it felt as if something wasn’t right.  As I began to turn my attention the true vibe of the morning, it seemed dark and it wasn’t just because I was up at 5:22 in the morning.  So I began to focus on the praise that was coming through the laptop’s speakers, but I couldn’t feel the usual glow that I like to have in the morning that comes from Him.  It’s a peace that wraps around me and energizes me better than any energy drink.  So when it wasn’t there, I was worried.

                The next step was to grab the Word.  I checked out the last chapter of Job and read about how God blessed Job better in his later years than his earlier years after his trials.

I got nothing.

I went to one of my “Bread and Butter” scriptures, sure to get me fired up and feeling good because what the Lord is and what He can do (Ephesians 3:16 – 19) and still nothing.

As I cleaned my toilet (it was a little past due) I began to pray.   I wanted that pulse back.  I didn’t want to go to work feeling like this. As I began to shower and embrace sanctuary of my prayer spot, still nothing.  Now worry had turned into near hopelessness.  I usually come to the Lord in my morning prayers with a respectful, humble and joyous heart but today, I came to the Lord with a heavily sad and worried heart.

I began my morning prayer as normal by letting Him know that I was coming to Him in the name of His Son and asked for forgiveness of my sins (in order to remove any interference.  It’s how I start every prayer) then proceeded to thank Him for walking with me and my friends and family yesterday and ask Him to walk with us today.  Next I began to tell Him that He is my Rock, my Fortress and my Deliver as well as my Tower, my strength, my refuge and on a normal day I would proceed to tell Him what He ment to me and finish by telling Him that He is my first, my last, my everything, but instead, I decided to recognize His greatness using the alphabet.

As I approached the letter S, I was no longer focused on the darkness or how I wanted to feel and had put all my attention on the list.  I had used the phrase “Strength of my Salvation” for the letter S completing the thought with the statement “thou hast covered my head in the day of battle.”  And it hit me.  I have to fight for the fullness, for the peace I wish to have today.   As I began to battle, a spirit asked “Where is He?  Is He with you now?”

                “Yes!”  I declared.  “He is right next to me!”  CLANG, BUMP, BUMP went one of the shower accessories that I use to hold up the soap as it fell from the wall and into the tub.  I jumped and I heard His voice declare, “It is broken.”  And the darkness was lifted and I felt the joy again.

                In all of this I realized something, I truly (truly, truly I say unto you.  Sorry, I just like saying it because when Christ said it, it was a warning to take note, pay attention big time) understood what the Psalm meant by Him being the Light and my Salvation.  Also, as an affirmation that I wasn’t losing my mind, one of the questions that God asked Job came up:

                “Where does the darkness go when light shines?”  To me, meaning that He directs the darkness and with Him as my Light (and my way) He has control and I can GO AND FEAR NO DARKNESS! Ever since I heard it one day in December while watching the third Lord of the Rings I have loved that phrase because when that king said that, his solders rode gallantly and if the Lord says that to us, man, that’s borderline permission to live life “Walking that isle in style and profile! (Whooo)” with all the confidence of a 14 time world champion with one exception, we’ve still got the strap (Heavyweight Championship Belt) because of Him on high and His Grace.


Darkstar151 Darkstar151
31-35, M
Mar 4, 2010