Family and Friends

o ur couple friends had their baby yesterday. we went to the hospital with our own 2 month old son, bearing our meager gifts and excitement. we walked in to find their little room stuffed with gifts from other visitors. e smiled excitedly as he showed us the pictures of all the family and friends that came to visit, and they hadn't even been there a whole day. i remember my own hospital stay. no one came to visit. it was just me and the husband, wrapped in cloak of loneliness. no gifts. no balloons. no happy family photos or excited phone calls. nothing.

i wasn't always this way. i let him make me into this, a sad, lonely woman with no friends and no support structure. when i am tired and need a break from the baby, no one is there. when i don't know what to do, no one is there. when i want to go for a walk with someone, just have a friendly chat, have a dinner party, there is no one to call.

i guess i can't blame him completely. i let it happen. my fear of being alone became a fear of losing him, and nine years later, its too late. i can see our future; our son, married and moved away, content to concentrate on his own life, the two of us left to wait for death to take one of us,  the other waiting to  follow. i sense it may not be too late, but i have never had the best social skills, and i don't even know how to begin.