I Guess You Can Have It Both Ways...

I guess the part that is starting to eat at me about my life is how I feel about my life compared to how much I actually have. I know everyone says you should be thankful for what you have, because there are many with far less, and I know that's true. I AM thankful, very thankful and feel "blessed" (although I don't really like that word) to have fallen into such fortunate circumstances in my life. I came from a stable, loving family who always provided for me, I avoided the pitfalls of abuse and neglect that many children go through and I did not fall into drugs and alcohol during my formative years. I got good grades and eventually a university degree and am free (as far as I know right now, knock on word) of any major ailments or illnesses. After years of loneliness and singlehood, I by lucky chance found someone who actually wanted to be with me and build a family and a future with. I have a stable job, even in this economy (although not something that I want forever) and there is always money at the end of the month and food on the table. So why do I feel so depressed, isolated, inadequate and sad most of the time? This is my curse. My inability to see the silver lining, only the cloud. Unable to truly "feel" happy with what I have, always bemoaning what I don't. I hate this feeling so much. Like there is a black velvet drape suffocating me mentally, preventing me from enjoying what many people would consider a very lucky life. I WANT to enjoy what I have, I DON'T want to waste what I have to a life of sadness and inaction. Such is my curse.

Tuva Tuva
31-35, M
2 Responses Feb 9, 2010

depression is biochemical and doesn't always have to do with life circumstances....you might want to go to the doctor and discuss it.

Thank you SF. Both for your words and your praise of my apparent writing skills. I personally don't really think my writing is of much account, as it's usually just unfocused blabbering, but thank you nonetheless. Yeah, sometimes I feel that it's hard to separate what we WANT in life from what we actually NEED, or at least what we THINK we want or need. Maybe if I find what I actually want, I may find some glimmer of happiness. Until then, I still feel that I can't appreciate what I have right now.