Feeling Guilty About Being Scared

I have known for about 2 years that I was Brca 1 positive, and for a while I forgot about it. Today I had my first appointment with my specialist (where I am they start preventive screening at the age of 25 for high risk patients), which I thought would make me feel better, getting professional medical advice and reassurance, but I actually feel worse. I had one doctor who just looked like she was sad for me, the other was actually a bit rude. This isn't a rant about doctors, because I know how much they have to do everyday and it amazes me, but regardless I felt more scared. Nobody was positive, in a realistic way, and I guess they don't act that way because it would be upsetting to some patients. I don't know, I feel extremely scared and guilty that I feel scared because I know there are people actually battling cancer right not and I don't even have it...yet. I think the worst part is, that I have adopted the sort of "I will get it eventually" attitude, which is working for me, and making me want to enjoy my life as much as possible, but then surrounding people are trying to be comforting and it is just ******* me off. I know I am young and healthy NOW, but that doesn't mean I will be forever. Reality is reality, and how can I accept it if people around me cannot? Has anyone had this experience? Or am I just overly angry about the whole situation?

I am thankful I know about this gene mutation, because it does give me leverage against cancer, compared to people who don't know, but now I am so scared, and almost made to feel guilty about it. Can anyone relate?
An Ep User An EP User
1 Response Jan 21, 2013

Everyone has a right to be angry. It can be anger from the "why me?", the pity, the people who don't understand, anything. Being angry is a perfectly natural response. I'm still angry! Being scared is just as natural. In some ways knowing in advance is really cruel because you know what will happen and you're just waiting for it. Having watched my mother go through cancer diagnosis, treatment, BRCA1 diagnosis and then all the surgeries I'm absolutely terrified of my 30th birthday because that's when I'm getting my prophylactic surgeries. Don't feel guilty though! There always be people in worse positions then yourself everywhere and comparing yourself doesn't make things better, just worse. You shouldn't feel guilty for feeling the way you do, this is a tough thing to go through no matter what part of the line you're in. Despite everything though, remember that you're not alone and you never will be. There are others out there in the same boat, good doctors who understand and will give you advice, listen, make plans and supply tissues when you make decisions. Trust in medicine, so many advances are made every year so don't obsess over what's going on now. Live your life to the fullest as you were and smile knowing you're safe and not alone. If you want someone to be there with tissues, a punching bag or bottle of wine, just ask :)

From a fellow BRCA1 sister,
Taylor