Dead Inside

Right now its is like all I am getting is bad news everywhere, last night I found out that my mother passed away. Like lossing my baby wasnt enough for me.. Even though me and my mother had a horrible relationship I still had love for her, after all she is the woman that gave me life. I think no matter how bad my mother treated me, how hard she hit me, or how many times I was told I was worthless I always had love and respect for her. I guess I am not taking it that hard but my heart is still heavy, and the fact that I am not even welcomed at my mother funeral kills me. Its sad when your mother writes it in her will and says it on her death bed that you are not welcomed to the funeral.. It hurts me so much, really who wouldnt be hurt by that?

Everything that has happened is breaking me, I dont know how much more I can handle. What hurts me the most is that I went to my mothers death bed and tried to end it all on good terms and she pushed me away like she always did. I never wanted to know that my mother died with hate in her heart for me still. I am lost. My heart feels like it has been ripped out of my chest and was ran over by an 18 wheeler they thru it in reverse ran over it again, and then put in drive and ran over it again. I feel dead inside, that I am a waste of space now.