Dead Inside

Right now its is like all I am getting is bad news everywhere, last night I found out that my mother passed away. Like lossing my baby wasnt enough for me.. Even though me and my mother had a horrible relationship I still had love for her, after all she is the woman that gave me life. I think no matter how bad my mother treated me, how hard she hit me, or how many times I was told I was worthless I always had love and respect for her. I guess I am not taking it that hard but my heart is still heavy, and the fact that I am not even welcomed at my mother funeral kills me. Its sad when your mother writes it in her will and says it on her death bed that you are not welcomed to the funeral.. It hurts me so much, really who wouldnt be hurt by that?

Everything that has happened is breaking me, I dont know how much more I can handle. What hurts me the most is that I went to my mothers death bed and tried to end it all on good terms and she pushed me away like she always did. I never wanted to know that my mother died with hate in her heart for me still. I am lost. My heart feels like it has been ripped out of my chest and was ran over by an 18 wheeler they thru it in reverse ran over it again, and then put in drive and ran over it again. I feel dead inside, that I am a waste of space now.
imperfectbeauty imperfectbeauty
18-21, F
2 Responses May 25, 2012

That must be hard. No doubt about it. All I can say, is please cry out to God. If you know any Christians nearby, please go to them and tell them what you're going through. It will get better. Let God handled it all. You don't need to carry all that burdens. There's grace, peace, forgiveness, love, mercy and hope in the Father's arms. Let God renew you. Let Him change you. And know He can because He changed my life too. From nothing into something. From nobody to a child of Him. God bless you, sis. Please know that you are in my prayers and that God loves you!

sorry about your mom, at least you did the right thing by going to her..you should be proud of yourself rather she was proud of you or not..you were woman enough to make that decision..and you are not a waste of space, you are actually an inspiration to some of us on here..stop putting yourself down so much, God put you here for a reason and maybe that was to help others..who knows?