I Fear I Have Gone Numb For Good

The last two relationships I have had spanning the last 13 years of my life I fear have ruined me emotionally. There was a brief 3 year break during my divorce in which I felt free and happier than I ever have in my life, then I got lonely and gave in to my ex again who shattered my entire world as soon as I let my guard down. I finally brike free of him and in an attempt to move on, let a friend set me up with someone new. BIG mistake. I shouldve known on our first date that something was off because I was so shy I was afraid to speak, this was not me at all. I was always proud of who I was as a person and not afraid to speak my mind, but in desperation for something new I let it slide, thinking that he must be worth it and I was just scared to get out there again after all I had been thru. Well it is now 4 and a half years later, we have a 3 year old son and still have not had a full conversation, have seperate bedrooms, havent really touched or kissed since I got pregnant and I recent completely given up at trying to force what was never there to begin with. Now I have 0 self esteem, am agitated all the time, feel unwanted, unworth it, unloved, and just plain empty and numb. I dont want to try again but still crave what I remember to be intimacy. Not necessarily sex but just being close to another human being without feeling uncomfortable and uneasy. I forgot what that feels like and fear I may never experience it again. I am to the point where I have lost faith in all humanity and have lost my desire to even leave the house or interact with anyone. I have lost who I was and dont know how to get it back.
cynrose75 cynrose75
36-40, F
Sep 10, 2012