I'll Never Be Repaired

We were so... special. It was so right. It felt so meant to be.

He told me he loved me. He told me he never wanted to lose me. He made a wish with me when we were at the trevi fountain in Rome. He loved me. He really did.

But I knew he suffers from bad depressions. And right now, we're broken up because he thinks he can't handle having me so close at this moment. He says he needs time and space to recover, and can not love me as long he is the way he is right now.

I felt like he would be happy to be without me. But I am broken, and he is too. It feels so terrible. Even though I should be convinced he no longer loves me, I can't. He still takes me to the bus stop after school, and he held my hand. He told me he cares so much about me, and can not stand to see me so broken up. He still tells me not to bite my nails and to do my school work right, so that I won't fail my exams next year. He still does all those things.

He says that when he gets whole, I will probably already be with someone else, because there's so many people around who are better than him. But, no one's better than him. No one. No one.

But he doesn't love me, right? I don't get it. I am so endlessly sad. I will never ever love anyone else. He is my best friend and the only person I have loved in my life. I don't want to get over him. I don't want to forget what we had. I don't want to give up on my feelings for him. They're too special.

When I wake up in the morning I immediately feel this hole inside that I can't fill up, and I don't want to get up. I don't want to do any of the things I planned. Not without him. Not without.. everything I lost with him. I can't remember anything without feeling awful. We were so special. We are young, but we were different. We really were. But I no longer get it. I wish there was someone out here who could tell me what to do.


JojaRodenaLente JojaRodenaLente
18-21, F
5 Responses Nov 27, 2008

I have depression and I know that it was really difficult in my relationship, it causes you to do all sorts of things, and if you are suffering from it you really don't want to hurt another person, he does love you, that's why he doesn't want to hurt you, you have a choice you can move on, which I wouldn't or wait, I think if you love someone you wait for them no matter what.

I am sorry that you are in such condition. But I too have passed this moment and I can feel you. So only thing you can do right now is leave him as he wants and wait for the right time to come back to you, if he really wants and loves you he will come back or else you have to go through it. this happens may be not one time but many times. Be strong and pray.

your story is hitting very close to home. my boyfriend of nearly two years was suffering from depression for about three months and repeatedly told me i was the only thing that made him happy. then one day, after a great conversation, he tells me we arent working. we arent right for each other. we are better off apart. and that was it. it has been six months, he continues to call and text me and tells me he misses me and is miserable without me but that he is so depressed in his life that he doesnt know what he wants but does know its not me anymore. i dont how to cope with it either. i always want to be with him and wake up every day hoping that that day i will finally feel better without him than i did with him. that day has yet to come.....

I'm so sorry for you... I have a whole in my heart too that I have been trying to fill too, without success. My husband and I separated, and I started thinking - this hole that I keep trying to fill is not going to be filled by a man, but I think I am missing something fundamental. I'm not sure what yet- but I am searching. <br />
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Good luck on your adventure.

I wish I could be that person that could tell you what to do. But I can't. And I'm sorry. I think you two breaking up was for the best. At least for right now. I have depression and I know what it's like to leave someone because of my depression. Please try to understand what he is going through. It really isn't easy for us that suffer depression. I think he wants to avoid hurting you and does still love you. But he loves you so much that he's allowing you to find someone new so that he doesn't bring you down with him. I understand how it feels to love someone and feel like you can never get over them. If you two are meant to be with each other, you will be. Just try to understand whats going on with him and know he probably still does love you but wants you to be safe.