I just got out of a relationship that wasn't healthy for me. I was in denial for too long but decided that I need to put ME first. It was one of those one sided relationships where I gave my all and got nothing in return. Then I find out this whole time he was cheating on me. I decided I am not going to let this ruin my life. What does not kill me can only make me stronger.
QueenS0fia QueenS0fia
41-45, F
9 Responses Feb 13, 2014

I'm going through this at the moment. She cheated on me and the near 3 years that we were together means nothing to her. Take each day as it comes and try to stay strong. Easier said than done I know. God bless and protect you. Thanks.

How did you get out

I just left him cold turkey. And I told him to leave me alone and to not contact me.

Dont try too hard to forget everything quickly...that will push u back to memories. even a small injury take time to heal, so heartache like this will take time and eventually u will get over it. A mean advise would be to find a better partner quickly...chaow

Thanks for your words of wisdom. I will take it one day at a time.

this wisdom has not come easy way......have been kicked on arse several times to get to this level that i can advise someone...lol...TC

:)

Anyone who cheats has extremely low integrity or moral values. You need someone stronger then that in your life. I've been there before and it hurts. You will bounce back from this, with an even stronger character. You'll look at him with pity and knowing he has none.

Thank you for your kind words.

Derek,

I wanted to comment because you are absolutely right about cheating... And as someone who has "cheated"... I will tell you that sometimes it happens to people with only the strongest principles and hopes, who simply don't listen to themselves, are completely frozen by what they should do, and make a horribly wrong decision.

Think about this... What is cheating? Is it physical intimacy? I suppose for people who engage in those acts readily without consideration of their emotions it definitely is.... But what about people that don't? Are they not cheaters? Yes the hell they are.

Cheating is a difficult issue because everyone's definition is different. Maybe it's sex, maybe a kiss... But for me, I don't do **** like that unless I have spent some time thinking about it, and realized that I WANT to do those things with said person... So for me that's not even close to where cheating begins... Because little people know what it's called, but people everyday are involved in "emotional affairs". You can look it up on the Internet if you would like, because perhaps they can explain better than i can...

But what it boils down to is that someone has cheated the second that person THINKS they have cheated. It causes a very real change in thinking and behavior which may or may not have been preceded by anything concrete.

I cheated. And I agree that it was despicable... However it was because I was in a terrible relationship, and my heart and mind were trying their very best to protect themselves... While also having found someone else who fulfilled their needs and ideals.

But I cheated. I cheated because I was not honest with her. I avoided that fight. I fought my own thoughts and emotions tooth and nail saying it could not be, and that I just had to work harder. I was wrong, and so are you. I was right, and so are you.

We are all just people man, and we all screw up.

First let me say I really liked your comment. Seemed very genuine and honest. I agree with a lot of what your saying. Cheating is commonly defined as a physical act but is open to interpretation. At the beginning and during a relationship guidelines and respect criteria's if you will are established. Each half lets the other know what is acceptable if their eyes and what they expect out of the relationship. I totally agree with you. People know when they cross the line and there actions become dishonest and hurtful.
Last half for your comment seemed like a justification towards to me. I'm not saying that people are permanently scum or anything after such actions but in my experience. Most people just say they've changed just long enough to do it again to someone else. I'm not going to attempt to judge your relationship because i have no idea about anything pertaining to it nor do i want to judge it. You say you were in a terrible one I believe you . You didn't sexual cheat on her. You shouldn't be to hard on yourself then.
The one thing I do disagree with you is the last part. "We are all just people man, and we all screw up" I've heard people say this hundred times and in different ways. Cause it's just such a cope out in my opinion. People make their decisions and carry out with their own actions knowing of the consequences. Personal choice is not to be thrown under bus by the fact we are all humans. Otherwise why the hell am I trying to be so trusting, respectful, and honest with friends, and girlfriends.

Derek... I appreciate your response back to me... I really am glad you could see that I was trying to be as genuine and honest as I could be... That is a very real side effect of the cheating that I did. I did however notice a slight contradiction in your logic that is extremely important to why I have come to know my definition of cheating.

If you notice, I am a cheater. I admit to it, and say that I cheated in spite of not having physical relations with another person outside of my relationship... However... You are not a cheater. I also believe you... We have no reason to lie to each other here... But you said that I should not feel so bad about what I did, because I didn't do anything physical...

Doesn't that sound counterintuitive to you?

Regardless, it brings me to a separate point... While it was very much my decision to cheat, and I own that decision... The change came in my actions and thoughts when I thought I had been doing something wrong... I didn't know what the hell it was called... But surely it wasn't cheating right? Wrong. See it was at that point... That very minute I realized I already had... Because at that point I realized that I had done something that had just permanently changed the fundamentals of the unstable, unhealthy, and struggling relationship I did have. I destroyed her trust in me, because I realized how much it would destroy her if I told her what I had done. What had I done? Stayed a little too long... Caught her eye a little longer than I should have... Discussed parts of me my own girlfriend didn't know... And felt an attraction that was undeniably destructive to what I thought I wanted in my life up until then... My now exgirlfriend.

I knew that then because I deeply and truly tried. I knew my ex through and through... I knew who she was, what she expected of me, what she wanted in life with me, and what she wanted me to think of her... We both wanted the same things out of people... Love... We both wanted the same thing out of each other... Trust... And while I hadn't done anything particularly wrong... I had done her so wrong I couldn't bear to look at her. She wanted to marry me. And honestly until that time, I wanted to marry that crazy, insecure, sexy, lovely girl too. I had it all planned out man. I had made up my mind... Until that look. And that seed of doubt destroyed it.

Ill continue on the next comment because that long explain action had a very significant point in that picture I had to paint for you.

I knew then I was not in the relationship I thought I was... And I should have gone home... Cowboys the **** up... Told her it was over... And moved on right? Isn't that the logical thing?

But I came home... And I saw the bright glowing look in my girlfriends eyes... Knew how excited she was to see me... Even if the usual argument of "why are you getting home so late" was still coming... She was pissed, but I could tell she still loved me... And yes I was a coward and a fool... And I made the decision that I could not hurt her by telling her... After all by your logic i didn't do anything wrong... Right?

Point is cheating happens when a bond, spoken, or unspoken is broken between two people in a relationship due to the involvement of another person romantically, AND the guilty party purposely deceiving the other. Our bond, and indeed anybody's in a relationship is trust.

Which brings me to the next point... I respect your idea about my last comment that we are all just people... And while yes... Some people do say this as a complete cop out... I say this, and do so willingly knowing that I thought the same thing one day before I became the very person I was so adamant about vilifying. I say it out of humility because I had my own words stuffed down my throat in a way I never expected... And yet that still does not make what I did to my ex ok... In fact it made me more aware of what I did wrong, and how not to do it again. You see for me... I mean it to show comfort to those who have had THAT kind of realization that it is ok... Those people who are good hearted people who screwed up and are dying on the inside scrambling for any semblance of truth in their world which has been shattered by something unexpected.

What it made me learn that I cannot simply hear what has been done and make conclusions about it... I have to ask that person why they did what they did... Maybe they make excuses... Lord knows I will let them know that they are... Or maybe they are honest, and say that they screwed up and never expected it... At which point I will give them whatever support I can in their time of need.

Why do you try to live a life that is so altruistic? Is it because you respect people that do? It makes you happy to strive for that? Because you want it to set you apart from the crowd? I don't know man... I know I always tried to because I wanted to do right by other people... Because doing so made me happy...

So I felt bad because I let myself down because I let somebody else down...

We're just people man... Sometimes we screw up. I am not perfect and neither are you... It doesn't hurt to try to be though right?

Oh, and no I did not ever physically touch the other one. Not even a hug. But I sure as hell cheated.

3 More Responses

You have made a very smart decision. I wish I was as strong as you.

Thank you. You can be too! Try to stay positive and learn from your experiences.

same condition of mine created by my girlfriend. But sadly i can't think of moving on. i am living with pain and emptiness.

*hug* you can do better. Don't settle for less.

Good move Sofia. I am glad you left the jerk! from now on it will only get better. I've been in your shoes.

Awe thanks for your support.

Yes best to move on n out before it gets to late x

It's hurts but only for a shirt while then all will be ok x

Thanks :)

My pleasure Hun x