This is the story of me and a boy named joey a met on a teen program in my cruise. We're still friends after all of this, but I'm scared that we'll never get back together because he meant so much to me.
So theres this guy. Every girl has said that line so many times in their lives. I always feel so awkward saying it. I'm not normally the kind of girl who is easily attracted to guys. But when I meet a guy, there are four things that could happen.
1. Absolutely Nothing.
2. I can think he's cute but not my type and know that I will never be interested
3. I can feel friend sparks and wanna date the person even if its not real
4. I will instantly feel the sparks and know its right.
So anyway
Theres this guy
A week ago I met him.........
I was sitting there self conciously, wearing earbuds.
I looked up, and i noticed a dude with a somewhat emo haircut wearing a Black Veil Brides t-shirt
To be honest, I didnt even get a good glimpse at his face
I could just tell by looking at his shirt.... the way he walked, and his laugh and smile
I was gonna become great friends if not more with this guy
I was just sitting there all alone in a corner
I don't know if he noticed him
But once i saw his face, I fell in love.
The way his hair fell over his face was just absolutely adorable
And that smile!
Theres something about that smile.......
It just reminded me
Idk, you could tell that the guy ahd been through a lot.
Being an emotional person, thats my type.

And boy was i right
I don't know how exactly we became friends.
His name was joey.
At first after hanging out with him at this place called bliss, I was a little
I found out he was really interested in music and learned more about him
That just instantly connected me
When i looked at him, in a way I felt like I was looking at my older brother even though I'm an only child
I just felt like he would be the type of person to care for me and make me feel warm
And I barely had talked to him directly
I feel like the guy sensed something too.
You could feel the mood in that room

I'm demisexual. It means I'm really into commitment. I don't judge by looks. I judge by heart, and I need to feel an emotional connection before i date.

Later that day, me and joey had ran around the deck together.
He took off his shirt and I had taken off mine. Of course, I was wearing a bathingsuit
He was quick to compliment on my figure because I was so self concious
No guy had ever told me I was perfect size
All everyone says to me is "fine"
Even the guys who have had huge crushes on me
There was something different about joey
He was older and had obviously been through a lot more than me
He would be a good person to rant to or talk to about anything.

And i almost forgot to mention. Joey is so ******* hot when he's shirtless. Abs doe. Dem abs.

Later that night, we went up on a balcony together
And at one point he had his arms around me
And he tickled me a lot
Just the fact that a guy wanted to make me laugh showed me that he would definitely care about me and try to raise me up when I saw sad.
But I had been dating a guy at the time.
Anyway, that night we sat by the pool and actually had a normal conversation.
I found out that he used to do drugs and had smoked.
I only knew joey for two days, but i ******* had a heart attack.
How could a guy as perfect as him do that kind of things to himself?
I also noticed a scar on my shoulder.
Joey was definitely one of those emotional music loving punk types.
If i had to describe my general personal or type, thats what type I'd be looking for.
Joey was a package for me. Probably not what most girls would look for considering the fact that he's so much different and acts like himself.
Joey was no fake
He didnt seem like a liar
He had been broken in the past
He gained knowledge from his past
He understood well
He was outgoing
He was down-to-earth
He shared a lot of my interests
And he showed me he cared, and that he was into me and wanted to help me.
I've never developed a crush on anyone that fast, ever
And I'm not desperate at all!

But I did have a boyfriend

The next day, my mom had actually made me break up with my boyfriend when I had wifi.
Later that night, Joey and I had gone swimming
He actually didnt mind that I was 13
And i never felt less self concious
I mean, i was anxious
But i had poured my trust into this guy
to be honest, i would probably be the only one to break a promise or lie.

Later that night, joey and i made out on the stairs as a joke in front of everyone

It was practically the sloppiest kiss ever. We smashed our faces together. But I still felt sparks and so did he.
It was awesome

We both has obviously shown eachother that we liked the other unconditionally as of now, and it didnt matter how sloppy we had kissed.

I had never been more happy.
I went to bed with the biggest smile

The next day had been kind of awkard for me
I didnt really see joey, and i felt weird after the kiss
I was scared i was gonna lose all
my hope after what had happened.
I thought i scared him off
I started having an anxiety attack in my room.
I cut myself.
And i bled all over. I've never dug that deep into my arms before.
I felt so stupid afterwards.
But if i could pour that much emotions out it meant this boy had to be something special if i was gonna freak out about him.

Later that night, I had talked to joey about the cuts. He told me he had done it before.
We had a pretty emotional conversation that day
People thought we were dating
And i had never been filled with so much joy
Laying there in bliss with him on a bed
That adorable smile on his face
He actually made eyecontact with me
Meaning he liked me
And didnt feel weird around me due to my personality

Later that night, Joey and I decided to go out.
We cuddled on the couch for a little while
Slowly i felt all my stress go away as i lay there in his arms. I really loved it
Joey was mine.
I didnt think i was capable of getting a boyfriend on the cruise, or even friends in general.
But joey, he was an amazing guy
He made me proud to be myself <3
It was the best feeling ever being in his arms.

Later that night, we went into the hot tub with all our friends
We were all romantic as I sat on his lap
And my cuts stang. He was the only one i had showed
But he stayed with me when i couldnt deal with the sting
he sat out on the side with me on the hot tub.
At one point i sat on his lap, and i could feel his *****.
And i had never felt beautiful that way before.
Not that looks even matter anymore.
But it was the best day ever sitting on joey's lap
Kissing him for minutes at a time.
I'd never felt loved like that before
It felt so different and amazing
I was so terrified that our relationship wouldnt make it to the end of the cruise
Knowing me, i would screw it all up for the both of us. I didnt want that to happen.
I stayed in the hot tub a little longer to kiss him. Joey was more than i could have ever asked for, and I prayed that I would keep him for a while.

The next day Joey and i spent some more time making out, cuddling, etc.
it was more than i could even ask for at all.
I felt so amazing in his arms, but i faced the constant fear that it would end. nobody had ever liked me for longer than a day. Their feeling always just faded
I always screwed stuff up
I always screwed everything up

Later that night joey and i were horny
We were cuddling, and i was trying my best to turn him on.
By the pace of his heart, i could tell it worked.
And he even made a comment about having a *****
Kids passed us and warned us that we should use protection.
I enjoyed myself so much just sitting there nestling into him.
And then it got better
We got up and went to the sun deck where it was dark and empty
We started cuddling and continuing what we started
Soon i let him get his hands up in my shirt
I had done that with a boy once before, but i was in tears for a lot of it because i didnt like the guy in that way.
I didnt have any sort of connection or bond like i did with joey.
I sat on joeys lap and we started intesely making out.
He started kissing my neck as he massaged up my shirt and inside my bra.
At one point, i gave him a *******. He fingered me in return. I couldnt imagine doing this with anyone else. I'd even be fine blowing him or having him take my virginity. I loved him that much. It's a strong word to use after 5 days, but I'll use it because its true.
At one point he started sucking on my boobs too. Suprisingly, I wasnt self concious at all. I had never enjoyed myself so much. I wish i could relive this day
But still i faced the fear that he would ditch me, cheat, or i would screw something up.
Joey made me promise not to tell anyone about that night. He'd been hurt, had promises broken, and had been lied to in the past, and little did i know that was when i turned it all around, and ****** my life up.

The next day, neither joey or i felt good.
We did our normal routine of cuddling and all that ****.
I had told a few people about the night before.
Joey had found out. He walked away on me
My heart sank.
I layed there on the couch behind him, daydreaming but yet having a nightmare and crying beneath closed eyes.
I felt so worthless. I knew he would break up with me. I knew i would **** EVERYTHING UP! As always. I was about to run up to my room and start cutting. Maybe even on my neck. Or all over my legs. Or maybe i could just jump overboard. Joey hadnt even broken up with me yet but i could sense it.
Joey was different. Joey was meant for me. I'd never had suicidal thoughts occur after breakups. Ever
Or even after crushes.
Never even self harm urges.
Joey had been something special.
I blew it all by being my idiotic self
I hated myself so much right then.
I lost him.

Later that night, We talked under the stars as i sobbed. He was breaking up with me.
It obviously was a good idea.
I couldnt keep a damn promise.
So much for emotionally mature for my age.
I lacked everything a guy could ever want.
How he beared to lay there with his arm around me, I don't even know. Why didnt he hate me?
Why couldnt he shoot me and take me out of my misery!

Everyone told me he would forgive me and regret it in the morning.
He forgave me, but we never got back together

I hid all my emotions underneath the skin.
But everytime i got near him i tried my best not to cry.
I ruined everything.
He told me i didnt.
I didnt.
I'm insane
I'm a ******* retard
I'm a dumbass
I wouldn't get over it
I couldn't help but sob every second

Even after joey and i talked.
I knew he was avoiding me.
Even if he wanted to take a break, he didnt want me back.
I was trash.
I thought i had finally made someone happy.
He could sugar coat it all.
But i knew the truth
I was unwanted.

I had to force a smile for the rest or the night. I would miss it all. I would miss us.

Joey wouldnt ever like me again
Even as a friend
He could say whatever
I knew he would avoid me
I'd been told i was his princess and i made him so happy for that cruise
I doubted it
But it wouldnt happen anymore
I was trash
I ****** up
We would had still been together
I had even called it
I knew I would do something wrong
It was deja vu for me
I just wanted to do one thing right!
Have ONE ******* THING I WANTED!
I ******* LOVED HIM.

He doesnt want me.
him "waiting" to go out with me is just another excuse to move on.
He wants to move on.
I'm a piece of ****.
I just wanna lay my head back on his chest and cuddle with him all night.
I want him to love me.
I dont wanna think about the future.
I wanna think about now.
I need happiness
It's right there in front of me and joey.
We have a perfect chance to go back out
But i had to be me
**** it all up
As if i hadnt done it enough and been bullied and pestered about it
And yet another time it screwed
something else i needed up
I didnt just want joey
I needed him.

Come to think of it, at least we're still friends. But i lost trust in everything a while ago. But this time around i dont trust myself.

I'm not listening to who tells me there are other boys.
Joey had become a part of me in the week i knew him.
If there was an un-do button i would smash my fist on it until it worked.
Joey was my life and i felt like i had known him forever.
Theres no hope anymore.
I can't move on, I never have.
And now Joey, the boy who i loved more than anything, was gone.

i have his number, instagram, and kik.
he hasnt even turned his phone on.
Idontusethisaccountanymomore Idontusethisaccountanymomore
16-17, F
1 Response Aug 23, 2014

(to be continued tommorow)