My girlfriend left me after 9 years together and treats me as if I never meant ANYTHING to her. She moved him in before my foot left the door. I truly, deeply loved her - in fact - I adored her and I am STILL empty 3 years later. We met at an 'NA' meeting. I spotted her across from me. She was wearing multiple layers of clothes. I noticed that she had a very pretty face. I probably noticed because it was virtually the only skin that was exposed except her hands. She seemed very timid and short of any self-confidence. I got a 'vibe' from her that attracted me to her immediately, which was out of the ordinary because I hadn't found anyone I even THOUGHT about being with and had not had a relationship in quite a while. At the end of the meeting at the closing prayer, I ran over & scooted the guy next to her out of the way saying, "Watch out, I want to stand next to her", so I could put my arm around her. We were together for 9 years after that.
She was void of self esteem, ashamed of her body & had no faith in herself or her capabilities - but I slowly built her up. About 4 years into it I wasn't sure if I really loved her, but I intended to find out by having sex with someone else. I know it's ******, but it made sense to me at the time. Anyway, when we had our clothes off i realized that I couldn't do it. I knew for certain in a kind of epiphany at that moment. I was always sweet to her, but after that I treated her like the only woman on earth, and she WAS to me. I feel stupid saying it but I even beat off to my own girlfriend on many occasions (WEIRDO)!
I chose to love her AND her flaws, which I started to focus on at one point, but I felt it was petty & unfair. She could do no wrong in my eyes. She had such a low self-image that I tried to build her self-esteem up by telling her how beautiful she was and pampering her, putting her first - and they weren't just words - she really did take my breath away. I found her to be elegant and graceful and completely feminine.
I grew up in an Italian/Irish family where arguing, screaming, yelling, name calling and violence was the norm and I was incredibly proud that I could stop that cycle and give her respect, dignity and discussions instead. We had one serious argument at the beginning when I yelled and screamed and called her a *****. She was cowering in fear after I did this and when we talked later, she said, "Don't yell at me, Chris. You're scary when you yell... and don't ever call me a ***** again, O.K.?." I didn't. At 32 years old, I had never bothered to put any trust or faith or actually open my heart to any other woman in my life, and there were lots.
I was living in my own apartment for the first five years of us, but at one point I lost my job, my apartment - my independence, and I moved in with her. For some reason, I didn't even try to get another job... I just became kind of shut down. I went to school, got my Associates degree and still didn't try to work. I couldn't for some damn reason.
I started noticing odd behavior changes in her that I wasn't sure were my imagination or real. Her body language kind of changed, her walk seemed different, even the sound of her usual pattern while brushing her teeth changed, from - brush, brush...brish, brish...chikka, chikka, chikka, chikka - (you get the idea) to something else. Well, she went to Africa with her family for two weeks. When she came back she seemed distant. We were talking and I got this feeling... I asked her, "Have you met someone else, Cat"? She responded, "Yes". That was that.
When we met, she couldn't even show her face in public, by the end - she dressed and actually SHOWED herself proudly! She went back to school and got her BA for therapy, and she felt capable and beautiful. I helped her do that.
I understand about my not getting a job and my shutting down being taxing to her, but I can't accept that her falling out of love with me erases the fact that I was really good to her. And faithful and sweet, and supportive and loving... not to mention I overlooked her flaws and her 'attachment disorder' for years and years, because I felt that she deserved it, and I wanted her to know how much I loved her no matter what! Yet she just forgot me - turned her back on me as if we never even happened and I am now not even worthy of responding to - which she would even do for a HOMELESS STRANGER, but not me! It just seems very, very cruel and I see it as her not wanting to deal with it, with the effect it would have on me - so she completely denies any accountability just to make it easier FOR HER. When she was collapsed, I was there to lean on - and it's not like I enjoyed the constant struggle - but I loved her anyway. She did a 180 degree turn around from compassionate, sweet, receptive & loving - into an absolutely selfish, unlikable ice queen - virtually over night. And I nearly killed myself in a drunken accident, all because I can't seem to get past this. I can't go to Hollywood, Target, Beverly Hills or many places without feeling her absence. I can't see something beautiful or feel joy without wishing she was there to share the moment with. It's extremely distracting and it makes joy a hard thing to come by. I guess I'm like my father, who has been with my mother for 50 years... I meant it when I said I loved her. I really BELIEVED we would be together forever. Now, I'm stuck loving a dead lie. Why can't I get past her? I wish I could forget her as easily as she did me. No such luck.
fukubus fukubus
46-50, M
2 Responses Mar 4, 2016

I'm also going through the same thing right now. It's extremely difficult!

I wish it's easy for us to forget. 😢 my boyfriend of 8 years left me for someone else and I do not know how to start over. And what's sad is even after everything he did, I know I'd still choose to be with him in a heartbeat