How Do You Mend A Broken Heart?

This is in response to a post by rushtide

rushtide thank you for this post. Except for how things ended with your relationship you could have been telling my story. Mine was also a 3.5 year relationship with so many ups and downs.

I was laid off more than a year ago through no fault of my own and with a glowing recommendation from my old boss. I used to be a corporate manager. The industry I was in has changed so much that after a few months of looking I decided to return to school to retrain for a new field. Even though I already have an M.S. I have returned to a local community college to earn an A.S. in a new field. I finally found a job last month as a pet sitter.

Throughout this time, my now ex, kept complaining more and more about his needs not being met. Every time something happened he would get upset or say something negative to me, I would also get upset. When I expressed my hurt or upset he would break up with me. Even when I tried to walk away, he would always try to woo me back. Every time I let myself get pulled back in. I will say from the outset that I am not blameless, but I never jerked him around or said the kinds of hurtful things to him that he said to me.

Over the course of this last year I lost everything except my family and a few old and loyal friends. Most recently my car was repossessed and I'm going to see a lawyer tomorrow about filing bankruptcy.

What killed me earlier this year is that he told me that he had been thinking of asking me to move in with him to help me get through this difficult time, but that he had decided he wouldn't get his needs met, so he decided not to bother. It was also the first time that he told me that he was looking for a deep intimate connection. Something he had never told me before. When I told him I wanted the same thing, he said it didn't ring true. Well I have kept journals since I was a kid. I xeroxed the pages from one of my journals for myself and then sent him the original journal and other stuff to prove to him I wasn't just saying what I thought he wanted to hear.

So then we started talking again, but I told him in no uncertain terms that I wanted him but not at the expense of the girl he was seeing and that I would not condone cheating. Over the last couple months we started talking more and more about me moving in with him and us building a life together. We talked about how we would organize our day-to-day lives and what it meant to each of us to take this step. I also told him that this would be a big step for me and that it wasn't a game; if we were going to do this then it needed to be for real.

Given all that, two Saturday's ago he asked if he could come over to talk about how we wanted to move forward. I said yes, and even rearranged my schedule so that I could be available when it suited his schedule. He came over, we talked and we acted on our attraction and affection for each other.

I realize now that I was very naive. Because of everything I said about not believing in and not wanting to be a part of cheating, and what I told him about how serious this was for me, I assumed that he couldn't possibly still be seeing her or else he wouldn't be talking about me moving in with him and building a life together.

I was completely wrong. After that Saturday he said nothing about what had happened between us. It dawned on me that he may have been quiet because he was still involved. I asked him and he said "not exactly." That really upset and hurt me. I feel like that showed a complete disrespect and disregard for her as well as me. I chose to act on my feelings with him. I take responsibility for that, but I was acting out of good faith without full knowledge of the situation. It wasn't that I was lying to myself and conveniently didn't want to know the state of his relationship, he didn't tell me the truth.

Then when I expressed fully how I felt about being made complicit in his cheating without knowing it, about how he time and again said that he wasn't getting his needs met and that in some way or another that was always my fault, and how cruel I thought it was to tell me twice that he was thinking about asking me to move in with him to help me get through this difficult time and see how we might do together and then to turn around and tell me he decided he wouldn't get his needs met and broke up with me again and that he is "moving on."

Nonetheless, he said that he wants to help me get through the sh***y situation I'm in, if only financially and not to be too proud to ask him. So I asked him for the one thing that really and truly would have made a difference, which would be for me to be his lodger for a couple of months so that I could put some money aside so that I have some financial means to start again after filing bankruptcy. I offered to do the cooking and cleaning and to pay whatever I could. He said he was only offering financial help. So I asked him to pay my legal fees and filing fees to file bankruptcy. This he agreed to.

What kills me is that he says he wants to do whatever he can to get me through this, but when I told him what actually would make a difference he ignored it. I've decided I just need to leave this area and move my life in a positive way, including seeing a therapist and nutritionist to help me sort through the emotional, professional, and financial turmoil of this last year in particular. He told me to let him know when I've settled wherever it is I decide to and to let him know when I'm ready to file.

All of this has been very upsetting to me. I don't want his money. I feel like it's blood money to absolve himself of his guilt and responsibility for the way things have turned out between us. I feel lost, angry, sad, and heart broken for the life I have, versus the life I thought I would have.

My mother has been my rock. We've talked a lot and have grown very close this year. In complete contrast to my ex, rather than complain that I wasn't giving enough to the relationship even as:
**I have sold everything of any value (even inexpensive things like camera cases and an ankle-strengthening board)
**Lost my car
**Put in more than 80 applications only to finally get a job at an 80% pay cut (I want to work and I figure some money is better than no money)
**At times wouldn't have money to buy food or pay for utilities without financial assistance
**Doing everything I could to keep my health problems in check since I didn't have access to healthcare because of pre-existing conditions, until the recent changes and huge loss of income have made me eligible for Medicaid (something in my whole life up until now never thought I would or could ever possibly need, but I'm so grateful it's available)
**Finding out that nearly every one I knew was a fairweather friend, and/or disappeared as things became harder for me and/or I wasn't useful to them professionally

My mother has been supportive. Talking with her is helping me begin to heal, but I have a long way to go. She is helping me to begin to understand that some people are just talkers and takers. After all, if he really had wanted me to move in, even if just for financial reasons, he could have asked and set ground rules, and then given me the chance to say yes or no, rather than telling me how I wasn't going to meet his needs. Also once we talked and knew we were looking for the same things and the same kind of relationship, why did he sabotage it by making me his fellow cheater, then turn around and blame me for not understanding that he is dealing with mid-life crises and trying to figure out his life. I've asked him questions, but he is completely silent. I will tell him what happens with the bankruptcy attorney after I meet with the lawyer. To that I know I will get some sort of response.

I know this has been very very long and I thank anyone who has taken the time to read it. I just feel so broken and battered from this past year. I never thought I'd be receiving government assistance. But, as the counselor reminded me, I had worked my whole adult life, paid taxes, volunteered, been a productive member of society, and am taking concrete steps, such as returning to school, to help myself get through this temporary difficult time, that getting some assistance would help me to get back on my feet and didn't mean I was a failure.

My brain knows the relationship I was in was negative, at times demeaning and hurtful, and disrespectful, and usually full of passive-aggression on his part, with me feeling guilty and taking responsibility for everything that went wrong, even when he was in the wrong --- like the cheating.

The rest of me is just so hurt and devastated. I hate that I would actually consider taking him back if given the chance and that I still feel total responsible for his needs not being met.

I don't know what is ahead. I'm scared and demoralized, and so deeply tired and worn-down by all the financial problems. So he's moving on, erasing me and my memory from his life. My mom thinks that he is one of those people who when presented with an opportunity to have everything he says the wants, he can't handle it and finds any excuse to run and to justify his flight.

My mom says that all of this has shown that I am much stronger and resilient than I ever thought I was before. I think she's right, even though the pain is still here.

If you're still reading thank you. I know this is a very long post. I would love a cyber hug...
GaiaWoman GaiaWoman
41-45, F
Nov 28, 2012