The Constant Pressure To Be Perfect.

I am FAT.
I am UGLY.
how can anyone love me...
I force myself to purge.
I force myself to not eat.
I am hungry all the time, but there is a constant voice in my head telling me I am too fat to eat.
I try to exercise and eat healthy to loose weight, but its not so easy.
I take excessive amounts of diet pills and vitamins daily.
The only thing I let myself have are Naked smoothies, but after I purge anyways..
I just want to be skinny.
I am 5'7'' and150 pounds, I am a freaking hipo.
I am DISGUSTING
I have a boyfriend, idk how he loves me when I look like this..
Sometimes I think I should just kill myself, that would be less painful than looking in the mirror at my fat everyday..
I dont care that anorexia and bulimia are bad for me.
Doing harm to my body is better than harming my self esteem.
Join me on my journey to being 100 pounds, I cant do this alone, and nobody else understands me and why I do the things I do...

UglyHipo UglyHipo
18-21, F
2 Responses Dec 3, 2012

I'm sorry you can't see how absolutely beautiful you really are. If I may ask, were you the victim of abuse growing up?

no i was never a victim of abuse.

Then why do you hate yourself so much sweetie when so many people love you?

Do you know how many times I have told myself the exact same things!!
I still do! and you know what telling your self those things won't help! I am sure you're a beautiful girl and I'm sure you won't believe anyone who tells you that because I don't either, and when people say that being perfect is over rated it actually is, I mean what the hell does perfect mean!!! making your self going through this is not being perfect, we are human! and none of us are perfect!