How Did It Get This Bad?
Its been worse. So much worse
Before he knew and started called me and insisted I eat, being there to hold me back if I wanted to run to the bathroom and get rid of it.
I am anorexic/bulimic. Both.
Even as I thought I was recovering.
Not acting on it didn't mean I wasn't anymore.
Because I still hate myself. Hate my body. I'm a smart girl. I know rationally that I'm wrong. I know that everything I catch myself thinking isn't true.
But I hate myself.
I've lost a lot of weight. And my reward is good food. But only for a second, because then it needs to come up.
Its been worse.
There was a point when the food would tell me it had to come up. No, I didnt hear voices. But it was travelling up by itself and thats when I knew I had to get rid of it. Some foods just wanted to come back.
There was a point when I threw up 3 times a day.
But I stopped. I had to prove that I could make it through without him.
So now I'm anorexic with bulimic tendencies.
I dont eat. But I don't binge. I never did. I just get rid of it all. I eat like a normal person if I know I can get away to get rid of it.
How did it get this way?
I know I'm skinny. And I am not a spoiled *****. I know what its like to hate someone who is skinny and wants to lose weight. Its not even at that point anymore. I dont own a scale. I don't own a tape measure. I don't buy new clothes anymore so I dont have to deal with sizes.
But I hide my own debit card from myself so I cant buy food. I chew gum to keep my mouth full so food cant get in.
I hate myself. Hate. I catch myself thinking how much different everything would have ended up if I was prettier.
I know endless tricks to burning just a few more calories during the day.
But I can feel it now. I can't stand up for very long anymore. I am perpetually tired. My chest is always hurting.
I cry now when I throw up, because it is hurting now. I don't want to do this anymore. But now I now I've completely messed up my system and if I eat normal, my body will take the food and store in fear of never eating again. That can't happen. Even if I continue working out. It will get stored.
And I cant tell my parents so I can get help. They'd be so ashamed. They would judge me. They would try to help themselves. Or not understand why I can't just talk to them. Or think I'm being a spoiled brat.
The thoughts are what makes it a disorder. The thoughts that fly through my day are wrong. Wrong wrong wrong. I know. I'm aware. But they are my truth.
And in a way, I don't want to have to be brainwashed for my truth to match someone elses perceived perfection. What if my way of thinking is right and yours is wrong? Who says loving yourself is the way it has to be? This feel-good era we're in is built on commercialism... the food we eat doesnt even nourish us.. it makes us addicted to it, it makes us forget what it feels like to be full, so we'll keep eating.
You can't tell me that I'm skinny, or I could stand to gain a few pounds, or I should eat more. So what then? I'd look like ever other American? Because I look different? So I can spend more money on things I don't need to survive? I look at my parents who eat "normally" and see people who are overweight. I never saw it as a child. I was so blinded by love and adoration.
I love them. I do. But I see from the outside. Without control, you make yourself settle for less than you can be. "I'm okay with my body, even if I dont look that great". Of course. Thats what the media tells us to do. Itd be easier wouldn't it? To just "love" yourself and eat what you want, instead of having control.
I can't do this anymore.