How Did It Get This Bad?

Its been worse. So much worse

Before he knew and started called me and insisted I eat, being there to hold me back if I wanted to run to the bathroom and get rid of it.

I am anorexic/bulimic. Both.

Even as I thought I was recovering.

Not acting on it didn't mean I wasn't anymore.

Because I still hate myself. Hate my body. I'm a smart girl. I know rationally that I'm wrong. I know that everything I catch myself thinking isn't true.

But I hate myself.

I've lost a lot of weight. And my reward is good food. But only for a second, because then it needs to come up.

Its been worse.

There was a point when the food would tell me it had to come up. No, I didnt hear voices. But it was travelling up by itself and thats when I knew I had to get rid of it. Some foods just wanted to come back.

There was a point when I threw up 3 times a day.

But I stopped. I had to prove that I could make it through without him.

So now I'm anorexic with bulimic tendencies.

I dont eat. But I don't binge. I never did. I just get rid of it all. I eat like a normal person if I know I can get away to get rid of it.

How did it get this way?

I know I'm skinny. And I am not a spoiled *****. I know what its like to hate someone who is skinny and wants to lose weight. Its not even at that point anymore. I dont own a scale. I don't own a tape measure. I don't buy new clothes anymore so I dont have to deal with sizes.

But I hide my own debit card from myself so I cant buy food. I chew gum to keep my mouth full so food cant get in.

I hate myself. Hate. I catch myself thinking how much different everything would have ended up if I was prettier.

I know endless tricks to burning just a few more calories during the day.

But I can feel it now. I can't stand up for very long anymore. I am perpetually tired. My chest is always hurting.

I cry now when I throw up, because it is hurting now. I don't want to do this anymore. But now I now I've completely messed up my system and if I eat normal, my body will take the food and store in fear of never eating again. That can't happen. Even if I continue working out. It will get stored.

And I cant tell my parents so I can get help. They'd be so ashamed. They would judge me. They would try to help themselves. Or not understand why I can't just talk to them. Or think I'm being a spoiled brat.

The thoughts are what makes it a disorder. The thoughts that fly through my day are wrong. Wrong wrong wrong. I know. I'm aware. But they are my truth.

And in a way, I don't want to have to be brainwashed for my truth to match someone elses perceived perfection. What if my way of thinking is right  and yours is wrong? Who says loving yourself is the way it has to be? This feel-good era we're in is built on commercialism... the food we eat doesnt even nourish us.. it makes us addicted to it, it makes us forget what it feels like to be full, so we'll keep eating.

You can't tell me that I'm skinny, or I could stand to gain a few pounds, or I should eat more. So what then? I'd look like ever other American? Because I look different? So I can spend more money on things I don't need to survive? I look at my parents who eat "normally" and see people who are overweight. I never saw it as a child. I was so blinded by love and adoration.

I love them. I do. But I see from the outside. Without control, you make yourself settle for less than you can be. "I'm okay with my body, even if I dont look that great". Of course. Thats what the media tells us to do. Itd be easier wouldn't it? To just "love" yourself and eat what you want, instead of having control.

I can't do this anymore.


Londynne Londynne
18-21, F
4 Responses Jul 20, 2009

I relate to every single word you said. I have been bulimic and anorexic for 10+ years now, i am 26 years old. Sometimes I feel hated because i am that skinny girl at the gym who orders a small salad at dinner. I know i need to gain weight. Why is it so hard to do what most people do so easily?? I have decided that i have had enough, i am trying so hard to recover on my own. I have tried the therapists and treatment centers, i am ready to do it for me. I think you should tell your parents. I told mine and it has helped so much. Do they understand everything?! No, but they try and they support me. Its so nice to share such a big secret and not have to hide it anymore. You really have to want to get better to talk to the ones u love about it. But it will help. I am sure your parents love and care about you very much. There is a chance they already know, or at least suspect something. I am sure they will help you, what have you got to lose?! You can get healthy and happy. Stay strong. I am here if you ever want to talk.

What you have said has touched me on many levels - it reminds me how easy it is to lose control, that we could be addicted to anything, even when the habit was there to seek a sense of control to begin with. <br />
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I do think it's best to seek professional help - your parents doesn't have to know, and it doesn't have to treat your eating habits directly. A lot of people who develop eating disorders have deeper emotional issues, and resolving that can help you feel more empower - give you a better sense of control over how you feel. <br />
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A good counsellor can help you develop silks that you need to cope with whatever the eating habit is trying to cover up or compensating. I wouldn't recommend trying to battle it alone, like a lot of people try to do. Cause if it's such an easy thing to over come, then most of people wouldn't struggle 10 or 20 years and is still without full recovery. <br />
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You're young, and it's best to deal with this now, then let the habit/addiction further ingrained into you mentally, emotionally and physically. <br />
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I do hope you have a full recovery - you seem like a very bright and insightful young lady. <br />
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But just remember, be patient with yourself - be kind to who you are on the inside, and it will reflect on the outside:)

I understand every word you just said , i am also anorexic and bulimic and its getting worse and worse as everyday goes by , please talk if you need a chat , im here:D

i know exactly how u feel i do so many of the same things if u ever need 2 talk iam here