The Neverending Story

I'm actually a member on another ED Experience group which I shared a rather lengthy story but I feel I have not opened up to this community, in hopes that there are new members out there that can relate with me, I will try to shorten up my story as it can get a bit overwhelming and time consuming.

I've been struggling with ana mia for the past three and a half years.  I'm 5'10 and my highest weight ever was 289 lbs.  I had just given birth to my son (previously not being overweight in the  past-just considered by others "big boned") and was at the lowest of my self-esteem ever.  I felt in complete disgust with myself, afraid that I was not attractive to my husband anymore, and afraid of leaving the house due to severe anxiety of the public eye casting judgement on the 'fat girl'.  I eventually dabbled a bit in mia for a bit every now and again, although it wasn't a regular thing.  You see, I love to eat.  I love food so much and it has always been such a big part of my life growing up.  It is built everywhere around me-family gatherings, events, places you go, it's everywhere and it seems that so many of my greatest memories had some sort of affiliation with food.  I love to cook and bake and over time, all the carelessness took hold on my body and it morphed into something hideous.  But soon, the binging and purging became a regular habit, hidden from my husband.  I figured he wouldn't see it as obvious because I was already severely overweight and my weight loss would not be as apparent in the beginning.  Then I started using laxatives and such after binges which I still dread to this day.  Eventually I guess you could say I graduated to restricting, allowing myself to ingest only 100-130 calories a day.  In a matter of a year and a half I managed to lose almost 200 lbs.  My lowest weight was 100 lbs. this past summer when a severe intervention came into effect from my entire family, afraid that I was on my deathbed along with doctors threatening to hospitalize me due to my liver and kidney functions near shutting down.  To appease those around me for the time being, I managed to gain weight for a short while, but old habits can come back quite quickly, just as a drug addict can slip into a relapse so easily due to one small thing that will set them off.  So now, here I am having my good days when I am allowing my daily caloric intake although I feel the physical effects it has taken upon my body with lack of energy and strength to do even small tasks that someone at the age of 27 should be able to do, and yet I have the physical strength of a 90 year old woman.  I have isolated myself so much from people around me, afraid that if people notice that my weight loss has become once again dramatic, people will start to worry, although their worries come out more in the forms of anger and frustration and threats which can be quite confusing and difficult to digest.  I know that I have a serious problem with my ED.  I have been quite aware of this for some time as it has become an obsession that I cannot stop thinking about.  One thing I have mentioned several times is that even when I had managed to lose weight when I was at my heaviest and was at a 'healthy' weight, I was still unsatisfied with myself, knowing that I could keep going and the more I lost, the more happier I was with myself, even though once I reach my new goals, I want to accomplish a new one because I feel I can.  My point being, if I cannot be happy and accept myself at a healthy weight considered for my height which is at it's lowest 133 lbs. ( I am currently 116 lbs) even though I still want to lose more weight with the constant binging and purging and restricting cycle haunting me,   I suppose I just don't know the answer to this because even when I am underweight, I am still unsatisfied with my body image.  So how can I be happy at a healthy weight?

wasabimouth wasabimouth
26-30, F
Feb 14, 2010