I Don't Know How To Stop

I've been overweight my whole life.  I struggled with it until I was 25 and then I turned into a health nut and became obsessed with working out and eating right.  Then one day I discovered I could keep eating all the junk food I loved and still stay small if I made myself sick.  At first I'd only do it on occasion.  Maybe once a month... and then it became almost everyday.  Its gotten progressively worse and I'm so embarrassed to ask for help - especially after 5 years of doing it. I have a great career and great family and friends and no one.... no one would ever think I'd have such a serious problem.  I just don't know where to go from here and I don't want people to think I'm crazy.  So sad :(

tracker969 tracker969
26-30, F
3 Responses Mar 14, 2010

Underscor8: I feel your pain. we have very similar situations. My bulemia started when I moved to Las Vegas and saw the competition to be so super skinny. I eat similarly to you, lean protein, veggies, all organic and all-natural. However, if I eat one thing not within those parameters, I throw it all out the window and binge. Not only is it consuming my life, but my money as well. I've learned it is a control thing. I am in constant need to feel control. When I lose that control over food, I feel the need to regain control through bingeing. It's cyclical. <br />
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I think you should tell your husband, he vowed to love you through sickness and health. He may surprise you and be your number one fan. I have recently decided to tell my mother despite the fact I am the "perfect" child. I've decided I don't want to spend the rest of my life needing to be in control of food. I want to eat to live, not live to eat.

Okay, i'm bulimic and started vomiting blood.<br />
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I didn't want to admit it but when i started vomiting blood i had to. I've been doing it for years, more than 6 for sure. Since i didn't think of it as being bulimic i really can't pinpoint when casual vomiting became the norm. <br />
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I now live a vey happy life, i'm at 107 don't really feel the "need" to vomit (although i do still see my flabs) but i do. I have changed my diet the last 3-4 months or so. I eat organic, non-processed food, veggies & fruits. But when i do eat that pizza or bread or what not.... i just go back to my old ways. I want to stop, but i can't. Even as i write this i know that if i eat something that i considere too much, even if i haven't even reached my 1,000 calorie limit I will vomit it.<br />
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I want to get pregnant soon, and i'm scared how this will effect it. I want to tell my husband, i want help, but i don't. I can do this by myself, i want to. I don't want him to know, i don't want to disappoint him, even though i know he would be very supportive. <br />
This is why i have sucked it up and admitted to myself and whoever comes across this, yes i'm bulimic and i hope to not be. I WANT TO STOP BUT I DON'T KNOW HOW.

Your not crazy! Crazy is a label that is put on things or beings beyond our control or understanding. I understand. I understand we have to be hurting pretty bad to hurt ourself for our own benefit. I understand you need a friend or someone you feel you can trust so you can heal your pain. I also understand that you want it to be with someone who isn't in your immediate life. For your own reasons you have chosen to deal with this away from your people and i respect that. Try to feel ok about finding help and approaching it the best way you are able. You are no longer ignoring the problem and that is the only way it will get better. If there is anything I can do to help or if you just want to talk to someone who is neutral. Contact me. <br />
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One love, given freely, to everyone.