I'll Never Be Perfect

I'm bulimic with anorexic tendencies. I don't purge, but I exercise five or six hours and take 25-30 laxatives everyday. I have a hard time eating, and I'm terrified of eating real "meals". I snack on little things to avoid eating a meal. I'm a perfectionist, but I have yet to make my parents proud. I've been ranked in the top 50 in the state for tennis and I've been a regional and conference champion for the last three years, and I've placed fourth or better in the state for the last two. However, my parents have never tod me "good job" or that they were proud of me. I take all AP classes and I have a 3.86 but it's still not a 4.0. Anyone else have parents like this? It's rough right? I mean, I just want them to be proud of me. My mom has disordered eating, and I began dieting when I was nine years old but things didn't get out of hand until I was 13 when my mom sent me to weight watchers (I was 5 ft. 4 in. and 130 lbs). My parents refuse to believe something is wrong (my dad's never home and my mom believes you can never be too skinny), even though they know I spend all my time at the gym and I take laxatives. My coaches staged an intervention last year when I started having heart problems. I'm now seeing two therapists and a nutritionist but (this is my secret) I don't want to get better and I have no desire to be cautious about my health. I know that sounds bad, but it's hard to pretend to be getting better when you don't want to. Right now, I'm just really confused and lost and I'm hoping to find people that I can relate to and who have gone through similar experiences.

nikki98 nikki98
18-21, F
4 Responses Jan 4, 2008

Honestly i feel the exact same way. Theres no use in pretending you want to get better when you know thats not the case. your not alone

I have felt just like you. I don't want to get better and I am always pushing myself to be better looking, smarter, prettier, etc. My dad is an alcoholic so is not home around much and my mom compares me to everyone even if I make an excellent work. Even when I got accepted in the most selective University in my country wich only nerds and people who study very much can get in, she was like, so? Never got a wow, sweetie I'm proud of you. And reading what you just have accomplished so much by the way, I can relate of how are you feeling. Whenever you need to talk or just "listen" I'm here. Take care!

I can relate to this post so much. I truly feel your pain..... it sounds a whole lot like my own life. That's the thing about eating disorders- wanting to feel ok, but not wanting to gain weight or change enough to really get better. Lots of going back & forth for sure. I know for me at least- my mind constantly changes. If you ever need somebody to talk to just send me a message. I'm always around to listen. I wish I could help you so much!!

i feel very sorry for you babes your parents are to blame i think putting too much pressure on you at such a young age they shouldnt live life through there children