Post

Crazy Inside

To the rest of the world I probably look like I have it all put together. I am a recent law school graduate, have a gorgeous husband and a beautiful child. I am actually rather pretty, and in comparison to most I am in okay shape. I try to get to the gym a couple times a week and other than the holidays, I try to watch what I eat. But inside I am almost always a complete mess.

I have been bulimic off and on since I was 14. It comes every time I have serious emotional stress in my life, and stays for as long as 3 years straight. I have a lot of guilt with food, even when I am "doing fine". I have anxiety over everything. Money and debt. Leaving the house. Answering the phone. I really feel trapped in my head all the time. Except when I purge. There is something so relieving about it. It just feels like I am getting all the anger and fear and negativity out of me. I know it is a silly thought, but sometimes things don't make sense.

I would really like to kick it once and for all. For myself and for my family. They deserve a healthy momma, inside and out.

 

meglnk meglnk 26-30, F 23 Responses Jan 4, 2008

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Is there addiction in your family tree ?

uuuuffffhhhhhhh i got an f in one of my classes, i think im gonna puke:( life is overwhelming and when i want to do well with this i have anxiety attacks,, i feel fat and sick i have held my food down for a couple hours today but now i feel like sh!T!!!! i FEEL LIKE A FAILURE:(

Hey. I work in a psychiatric hospital, where we treat many patients with eating disorder. We help them to find meanig in life and show them how to handle their disease, we empower them so they can find strentgh to fight and win the disease. Even if you feel some kind of release, when you let the disease took the power over you, bulimi is a form of self harm, and you don't deserve to punish yourself like this. I saw many patients who overcame their eating disorder and moved on with their lives. It takes time and lots of wok, it takes treatment - also medical and help from the doctors and therapists but the success rate is really high. So I'd likee to encourage you to seek professional help and get people, who care about you, to stand by you all the way. It's worth trying.<br />
Good luck and hold on tight

please seek professional help. once you start practicing, i am afraid that this will only get worse. i had my own demons that only got worse once i started practicing law. it can be a very stressful environment that only feeds these type of behaviors. i care and wish you the best of luck. hugs.

I feel for you and wish you all the best with your life in the future. I hope that you manage to make peace with yourself soon.

i know some like you they have problems with their looks like wanna be model..................so they make diets................own diets not recommended by doctors......well it is not working like it suppose to be..so sad to say........might be fatal if not cured or detected earlier............

I agree it is brave to come out and express how unlovable, guilty, and out of control you feel. My question to you is when you are feeling the anxiety from your current life that contributes to you wanting to purge, when else earlier in your life have you felt similar guilt, shame, lack of safety, lack of love, lack of control?<br />
<br />
I have helped myself feel better when I am feeling all the anxiety and depression I sometimes feel by connecting what I am feeling to long unexpressed feelings of rage, anger, grief over abuse and mistreatment I suffered early in my life. Writing in my journal honestly my feelings now, and exploring the facts and feelings of my early life have helped so much. <br />
<br />
The seeds of guilt, lack of love, and so on are planted early in life by caregivers who do not provide for the needs of fetus, infant, or child. The abuse and trauma may not be conscious by the caregivers or even recognized by many other people in life, including doctors or therapists, because they all keep repeatedly abusing people in life by never having confronted the abuse they suffered in their childhood.<br />
<br />
Intergenerational abuse handed down from one generation to another in so many ways... you can change and be someone who gets in touch with what really happened to you. Someone loved doesn't feel out of control, unloved, and guilty about who they are. Parents can say they love you, and yet still abuse or neglect in horrible ways, making the child feel horribly guilty. Then later as adults we'll carry and self-enforce these same lies into our future relationships finding people who can treat us like our parents did, if we don't question how good our upbringing really was and start to take providing for our own unmet needs really seriously.<br />
<br />
I recommend "Free From Lies" by Alice Miller. www.alice-miller.com ---- a good place to start as any. A great place to start by my opinion.<br />
<br />
Why should you take anything I've said for the truth? If anything I say is true, you'll be able to confirm it for yourself. Who can be an expert about someone else's life?

Agreed it was a brave post. Best of luck. Be strong, it's all going to work out for the best :)

Aww hunny you sound lovely but so distressed by this. My case can be described as the classic over-achiever, excellent marks, higherst grades in my year, then in college I had the highest in my subject, then when it came to university the competition was so saturated, I wanted to be the best at something, be the highest achiever and shine for something, be recognised or my achievement. I think the stress I placed on myself ignited the disorder which has stolen 6 years from me now. I often feel like ther are two sides to me....the sensible, logical side that knows this disorder is bad for my health in so many ways, is taking up my time and money and leaving me exhausted, then there's the greedy side that just goes ahead on impulse disregarding the depth of knowledge I have on the sudject. I have reached the stage now where I'm sick to death of being sick, and I want to move in with my boyfriend who I am too afraid to tell because I am so ashamed of the disorder.Does your husband know? Is he aware and how did he react?My parents reaction was terrible, they felt like they were the victims in all of this and my throwing up was causing them stress. They'd get angry and threaten to throw me out of the house and it caused rifts and distrust. Because of their hostility I am scared to tell those closest to me for fear I will lose them x x x

*hugs*

I can really relate to what you're going through. Do you know what stops me now? Its will sound so silly but it stops me from relapsing. My teeth. I dont have very much enamel left after years and years of abuse. The last thing i want is to be fat AND toothless.....<br />
Try and find some support. It must be really hard to do this alone. Would you ever talk to your husband about it? I hope you manage to work things out and beat it. It CAN be done. Im not over my eating disorders properly so i know how hard it is. I used to love the feeling i got after doing it....<br />
hugs

I know what you mean when you say that people think you are ok as long as you are smiling they never think you may have problems , you may cry inside ..they just never think about that . they think that the truth is what they see stupid isn't it?<br />
but take take of yourself <br />
xoxoxoxoxo

HI<br />
anyone with Bulimia suffering CONSTANT reflux? chronic, PAINFUL acids crawling up my esophagus to my throat?<br />
HELP SAVE ME<br />
<br />
I TAKE MEDICATIONS everyday to stop stomach acids...so these do NOT crawl up to my throat...it can cause cancer...<br />
<br />
but i just had bulimia (purging type) for 3-4 months...before it was simply the exercise/laxatives type<br />
<br />
the purging type RUINED my esophagus muscles and I HAVE chronic reflux<br />
<br />
HELP...anyone has this too?

Thanks for sharing your story. I can relate - not to bulimia, but to appearing to everyone else that you have it all together, when inside you are falling apart. Been there, done that. Still doing it.

Though somewhat discredited (as to her method's success rate) Peggy Claude-Pierre's "The Secret Language of Eating Disorders" is still quite useful if you understand the eating disorder as an outlet of control in an otherwise out-of-control world with normal stressors and anxieties.<br />
Counselling should go a long way in understanding your needs and how you go about meeting those needs in ways that are not healthy. Exercising until you're blue in the face is not normal either, it's just another "obsession" to replace the eating / weight one. You should seek counselling, and may I suggest that you give $$$ to get it. Most people who receive free counselling - when they could be paying - don't work as hard as the ones who are sacrificing something (other than your health and happiness in the long run) to be there.<br />
I wish you much peace and joy in the journey. May the outside and inside - as you put it - match up soon. Peace.

Though somewhat discredited (as to her method's success rate) Peggy Claude-Pierre's "The Secret Language of Eating Disorders" is still quite useful if you understand the eating disorder as an outlet of control in an otherwise out-of-control world with normal stressors and anxieties.<br />
Counselling should go a long way in understanding your needs and how you go about meeting those needs in ways that are not healthy. Exercising until you're blue in the face is not normal either, it's just another "obsession" to replace the eating / weight one. You should seek counselling, and may I suggest that you give $$$ to get it. Most people who receive free counselling - when they could be paying - don't work as hard as the ones who are sacrificing something (other than your health and happiness in the long run) to be there.<br />
I wish you much peace and joy in the journey. May the outside and inside - as you put it - match up soon. Peace.

Though somewhat discredited (as to her method's success rate) Peggy Claude-Pierre's "The Secret Language of Eating Disorders" is still quite useful if you understand the eating disorder as an outlet of control in an otherwise out-of-control world with normal stressors and anxieties.<br />
Counselling should go a long way in understanding your needs and how you go about meeting those needs in ways that are not healthy. Exercising until you're blue in the face is not normal either, it's just another "obsession" to replace the eating / weight one. You should seek counselling, and may I suggest that you give $$$ to get it. Most people who receive free counselling - when they could be paying - don't work as hard as the ones who are sacrificing something (other than your health and happiness in the long run) to be there.<br />
I wish you much peace and joy in the journey. May the outside and inside - as you put it - match up soon. Peace.

Though somewhat discredited (as to her method's success rate) Peggy Claude-Pierre's "The Secret Language of Eating Disorders" is still quite useful if you understand the eating disorder as an outlet of control in an otherwise out-of-control world with normal stressors and anxieties.<br />
Counselling should go a long way in understanding your needs and how you go about meeting those needs in ways that are not healthy. Exercising until you're blue in the face is not normal either, it's just another "obsession" to replace the eating / weight one. You should seek counselling, and may I suggest that you give $$$ to get it. Most people who receive free counselling - when they could be paying - don't work as hard as the ones who are sacrificing something (other than your health and happiness in the long run) to be there.<br />
I wish you much peace and joy in the journey. May the outside and inside - as you put it - match up soon. Peace.

I can 100% relate to the feeling that it just gets rid of the bad emotions. Whenever It gets stressful or I feel really out of control I start to purge all over again. <br />
I am seeing a councillor and it has really helped me ALOT. She is so supportive and makes me feel less like a crazy person and more like a normal person just trying to get a grip on this crazy thing called life... :) <br />
My boyfriend is also very supportive. Just know that it isnt something to be ashamed about and the sooner you get help the sooner you will get better. <br />
Good luck and take care!

I can 100% relate to the feeling that it just gets rid of the bad emotions. Whenever It gets stressful or I feel really out of control I start to purge all over again. <BR>I am seeing a councillor and it has really helped me ALOT. She is so supportive and makes me feel less like a crazy person and more like a normal person just trying to get a grip on this crazy thing called life... :) <BR>My boyfriend is also very supportive. Just know that it isnt something to be ashamed about and the sooner you get help the sooner you will get better. <BR>Good luck and take care!

Brave post.<br />
<br />
I just wanted to say good luck. <br />
<br />
Have you thought about getting some sort of professional counselling?

This sounds a lot like me. And I feel even guilty because I do have a good life but it never makes me happy. I have been doing it for over 15 years on and off. I hate that I can't stop but some part of me likes doing it.

I want to wish you goodluck. I also have been doing this since i was in gradeschool off and on. About 2 years ago somehow i managed to kick it, or so i thought, with eating right and obsessive exercise......... I lost 40 pound I was up to 205, but after the weightloss I was so proud of myself because i had done it the healthy way. That summer I went through a bad breakup of a five year relationship, I ended it, but only because I realized he would never change. Looking back I now realize thats what started it up again, the stress, the mindset that i needed to do it to not get fat so i could get a man that was actually worth it. I am now in a happy relationship with an amazing man, hes cute, treats me right and is well educated, but i cant get myself to stop what im doing worried that if i do I will gain the weight back. Anyhow if you find anything that seems to help you let me know and i promise to do the same.