I Am Bulimic

Struggle Through Recovery

By: blossominglotus08

Written on March 25th, 2011

Hi, my name is Suzie. I'm 21 For as long as I can remember I have been obsessed with food and weight, either being very overweight or the perfect weight according to the bmi. But I've always had an obsession with my stomach, which has only become worse throughout my adolescent and adult years. At the age of 15 a lot of personal things with my family occurred leaving me completely lost, hurt and heartbroken. This is where it all began. As a teenager I had delayed breast development, and the doctor told me to go and loose weight otherwise they wouldn't help me with this problem. So I did, I joined a slimming club and became hooked. Gaining rewards and praise for loosing weight almost made up for what was going on at home. It made me feel good, but I soon realised that eating less and less would get me better results, soon I was fixated by food and by weight!! Needless to say eating so little then swithed rapidly to bulimia. Binging then taking countless laxatives and purging. My mum finally noticed and we tried to get help from our local gp, who swiftly kicked me out the door for having a normal bmi. Me and my mum tried to overcome it but doing it our own way I gained a lot of weight an became very overweight again. Since this time my weight has fluctuated because of my unhealthy relationship with food, one week dieting then the next compulsively eating. The reason I'm writing is because between October and December 2010 my troubles came back with a vengeance purging everything I would eat and exercising obsessively. I lost three stone. In January this year, I decided to try and take my life, seeing no way out through this hell!! So now once again I'm trying to recover with no help, but using a gd self help programme. But I'm struggling and once again the binge purge sessions have entered my life!! I just would like some reassurance that this can be overcome??? I'm so worried about gaining weight and sometimes it just seems easier to go back to purging all I eat and restricting myself, I felt so much more in control then. In reality, I feel like im getting worse before I get better?! Please someone give me faith!! I feel my spirit dying and my suicidal thoughts creeping back in as they did before! Sorry to waffle on guys, just want some guidance x

By: blossominglotus08

Age: 18-21 , Female

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5 responses

splintering

Hi :)

I'm sorry to say, but I don't know for sure that it is possible to get better from this illness without professional help. What you're going through is an illness in the same way that depression or cancer is. It's not your fault and it's not your choice and you can't treat it by yourself, although that's not to say that your self-help programme can't be useful - anything that helps you cope is helpful :)

I'm terribly sorry about what happened with the doctor you saw who ignored your problems due to your "healthy" weight. That's just awful and totally unprofessional. People with eating disorders can be in life-threatening danger from their disorders regardless of their weight: at the treatment centre I was at, there were actually very few people who were emaciated because most of the people who were sick enough to need hospitalisation were actually at a "healthy" weight. The doctor who you saw is clearly very uneducated about this part of medicine!

Could you possibly see a different GP? You've said in your last comment that you're waiting for a therapist, do you know if you're getting an appointment soon? I hope you do get an appt soon and that the therapist is a good fit, remember that if you feel that you don't connect with him or her that there's nothing wrong with asking him or her to do things differently or seeking a new therapist, what's important is that you're getting the support you need!

If you ever have questions about EDs, treatment, or are just looking for like-minded people and support, I highly recommend beat.co.uk, ed-recovery.livejournal.com, ed-ucate.livejournal.com, ed-bites.blogspot.com and healthforthewholeself.com. These sites have helped me a lot!

I wish you all the best, feel free to contact me if you want to chat :)

May 22, 2011
1 like
blossominglotus08

Hi there ginn02, sorry to hear you're battling with the same issues. But in a weird way it's nice to know I'm not alone in this. I'm glad you're happy. I'm getting there, still waiting for therapy but doing a self help programme which has stopped me restricting and purging daily but now it's flipped and I'm battling the binge purge cycle!! Managing to maintain my weight, which is good would I like to be a stone lighter??? Yes, but will it make me happy??!? Probably not!! I wish I could just be comfortable on my own skin and I'm sure you feel the same. I'm fed up of food and dieting ruling my life and isolating me!! If you ever need any support or anything then I will be here to listen :) take care.

Apr 12, 2011
1 like
ginn02

wow I never knew there were so many people out there that are the same as me....I feel for you so much suzie, I have been "dieting" since I was in 8th grade...and I've been bone thin and 100 lbs over weight and everything in between that....good luck! its hard and I hope that one day you can be happy...I'm happy but I'm big trying to loose....its just so hard!!!

Apr 12, 2011
2 likes
blossominglotus08

Thanks James, even though you're unable to help me. It is comforting to know that I am not alone in this!! I'm sure you will understand that this is the most frustrating and complex illness that you could possibly live with! I mean why would you do something you hate so much which makes you feel ashamed, guilty and just plain useless!! But I try and tell myself that everytime my head is stuck down the toilet! Yet I feel like the bulimia almost has full control over me!! I hope that you can find some strength and help to overcome this problem and always here for a friendly word of advice or some support from someone who truly understands. Suzie x

Mar 25, 2011
2 likes
james1014

Hi suzie, i felt like i was taken a little by your story because i can relate to it so much, i feel like you have wrote my lifes story but without the delayed breast development paragraph. Im sorry that i have not commented on your post to help you, but like i say i really relate to your story.

I hope you overcome this, and enjoy your life without obsessing about food and binge eating.

Mar 25, 2011
1 like

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