My Bulimia Story. Can Anyone Help Me?I've looked at my body very closely before I logged on to this.. and I still feel disgusted at myself. I used to be happy with my body, I used to love life, I used to love myself; well I used to love the person I was before..
I am bulimic, well I'm not professionally diagnosed or anything.. and I'm not below 90lbs. I weigh 9 stone, three weeks ago I was 11 stone. Im not under 18-21 years old either, I'm 14.. I put my age as 18 years old incase they didnt let me see subjects on bulimia..
I haven't told anyone, not even my best friend who I tell everything to. And I think I need help..
This ORIGINALLY started about a year ago, when I was watching this film, I don't know what it was called, but it was a girl who had anorexia/bulimia who used to make herself puke to lose weight..
At first I didn't think much of it, it didnt encourage my bulimia.. it was after watching that film that I started thinking..
You see I have NEVER had a boyfriend in my entire life, and I'm not going to lie, I thought it was because I was fat.. but my friends kept reassuring me and kept telling me all guys are jerks that go for the girls with make up and things like that.. but it was deeper than that, I knew it.
That was one for the things that encouraged me to start losing weight, it was so I could get a guy, which even now is still VERY IMPOSSIBLE.
At first I started exercising, like simple basic stuff like push ups, stomach crunches, jogging and the wii fit, it started out as 30 minutes a day, 45 minutes a day, 1 hour a day, 2 hours a day..
I was struggling to loose weight so much, I asked my mother to go buy a treadmill so we could lose weight together, because my mum did tell me that I was going to get fat when I was older.
But however much I excercised, I was barely losing any weight, the most I lost in a week was about 6lbs.
Then I started restricting. I would skip breakfast and lunch and eat some of dinner whilst over-exercising. In that time I lost about one stone.
Then I went through a period of depression. I found out my parents were divorcing and my mother was involved with another guy. I found out my friends self harm. All my friends were falling out. Girls were picking on me. People were being racist. My exam grades were stooping low. And I thought, and still think.. that its all my fault.
I know its not normal for a teenager to think about suicide, but at that point, I felt like running down stairs and slitting my throat so I would die.
But even through that I got through it with other methods. No I did not self harm, I did not arrange counselling privatley at my school, I dealt with it through food. Everytime I would get upset, I would eat at least two slabs of chocolate.
This is when the binging started. I would eat anything I like til I felt sick, mainly chocolate.
I didn't care about myself, I hated myself, I knew I would never amount to anything. For all my life I would be the fat, stupid girl who is going to be forever alone for her ugly looks and crooked teeth.
I started gaining weight rapidly, til a point when my friend had the guts to say, 'Oooh gosh, you've put on a bit of a tummy haven't you?'.. and I'm glad she did, if she hadn't I'd still be like that.
From the next day, I started restricting and over-exercising again. But again I hardly lost any weight and I was killing my self over it.
Then I thought back to the film.. I ran to the toilet and leaned over it. But I gritted my teeth I walked straight back out to my room and stared in the mirror. I looked at myself.. my jeans were too tight, by stomach looked like a sack of potatoes over the jeans, by thighs were too big to even look at.
In a state of depression and more or less.. panic; I ran to the toilet, grabbed my toothbrush and..
I have been doing it for about six months now, but increasingly over the past two weeks since we have started school again and I want to be skinnier than my friends..
I think I need help. Is there anyone out there who feels how I feel?
Do YOU feel disgusted at yourself?
Do YOU feel ugly and upset all the time?
Do YOU feel like you want to die?
If you do please message me, I'd really appreciate it..