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My Bulimia Story. Can Anyone Help Me?

I've looked at my body very closely before I logged on to this.. and I still feel disgusted at myself. I used to be happy with my body, I used to love life, I used to love myself; well I used to love the person I was before..
I am bulimic, well I'm not professionally diagnosed or anything.. and I'm not below 90lbs. I weigh 9 stone, three weeks ago I was 11 stone. Im not under 18-21 years old either, I'm 14.. I put my age as 18 years old incase they didnt let me see subjects on bulimia..
I haven't told anyone, not even my best friend who I tell everything to. And I think I need help..
This ORIGINALLY started about a year ago, when I was watching this film, I don't know what it was called, but it was a girl who had anorexia/bulimia who used to make herself puke to lose weight..
At first I didn't think much of it, it didnt encourage my bulimia.. it was after watching that film that I started thinking..
You see I have NEVER had a boyfriend in my entire life, and I'm not going to lie, I thought it was because I was fat.. but my friends kept reassuring me and kept telling me all guys are jerks that go for the girls with make up and things like that.. but it was deeper than that, I knew it.
That was one for the things that encouraged me to start losing weight, it was so I could get a guy, which even now is still VERY IMPOSSIBLE.
At first I started exercising, like simple basic stuff like push ups, stomach crunches, jogging and the wii fit, it started out as 30 minutes a day, 45 minutes a day, 1 hour a day, 2 hours a day..
I was struggling to loose weight so much, I asked my mother to go buy a treadmill so we could lose weight together, because my mum did tell me that I was going to get fat when I was older.
But however much I excercised, I was barely losing any weight, the most I lost in a week was about 6lbs.
Then I started restricting. I would skip breakfast and lunch and eat some of dinner whilst over-exercising. In that time I lost about one stone.
Then I went through a period of depression. I found out my parents were divorcing and my mother was involved with another guy. I found out my friends self harm. All my friends were falling out. Girls were picking on me. People were being racist. My exam grades were stooping low. And I thought, and still think.. that its all my fault.
I know its not normal for a teenager to think about suicide, but at that point, I felt like running down stairs and slitting my throat so I would die.
But even through that I got through it with other methods. No I did not self harm, I did not arrange counselling privatley at my school, I dealt with it through food. Everytime I would get upset, I would eat at least two slabs of chocolate.
This is when the binging started. I would eat anything I like til I felt sick, mainly chocolate.
I didn't care about myself, I hated myself, I knew I would never amount to anything. For all my life I would be the fat, stupid girl who is going to be forever alone for her ugly looks and crooked teeth.
I started gaining weight rapidly, til a point when my friend had the guts to say, 'Oooh gosh, you've put on a bit of a tummy haven't you?'.. and I'm glad she did, if she hadn't I'd still be like that.
From the next day, I started restricting and over-exercising again. But again I hardly lost any weight and I was killing my self over it.
Then I thought back to the film.. I ran to the toilet and leaned over it. But I gritted my teeth I walked straight back out to my room and stared in the mirror. I looked at myself.. my jeans were too tight, by stomach looked like a sack of potatoes over the jeans, by thighs were too big to even look at.
In a state of depression and more or less.. panic; I ran to the toilet, grabbed my toothbrush and..
I have been doing it for about six months now, but increasingly over the past two weeks since we have started school again and I want to be skinnier than my friends..
I think I need help. Is there anyone out there who feels how I feel?
Do YOU feel disgusted at yourself?
Do YOU feel ugly and upset all the time?
Do YOU feel like you want to die?
If you do please message me, I'd really appreciate it..
Thankyou
R xxxx
mydeepblackteardrops mydeepblackteardrops 18-21 1 Response Sep 8, 2011

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Wow girlie whirlie you have got one hefty plate of stuff going on. I am very sorry about you parents divorce I know how that feels because that is what triggered my disordered eating as well. Its hard when first of all your mom mentions excercise and then your parents split and then you get picked on at school. that sounds just like my situation and what a coincidence you are at the age when i started. another coincidence i found is that a video about eating disorders is what gave you the idea to start purging. my incomming freshman year i saw a video about bulimia in summer school and that remained in my mind for days. then when stress piled on and i fell into my insecurities i remebered what i learned about in class and decided to try it. i wish i had stopped when i first tried it because 4 years later here i am still doing it. i recommend you confide in your best friend about it because it is the worst feeling when you have to go through all these feelings alone. I told my friend and she finally gave me the courage to tell my mom so i could get help. I went to therapy for about six months and i really started to find myself through the entire mess. unfortunately i stopped because i started to gain weight, but it wasn't recovery that caused my weight gain i was in love with my first boyfriend and i finally felt cxomfortable eating more around him. every now and then i found myself slipping but all in all i was much happier. now, i am not telling you to find yourself a boy to recover but i do think you need to find someone you can confide in like your best friend and have her help you eat normal again. i am not saying its a cure because obviously i am not cured, but i do want to encourage you to get help because you are still young. go ahead and message me if you have questions because i have lots more to talk to you about haha

thanks for your really nice message, i told one of my best friends today, and she said to either go get help or to just stop it and go on a healthy diet, she wasnt really shocked but i could tell she was a little upset and that was what i was afraid of, im scared she wont accept it and will tell everyone, im really scared:( i'm happy that you have a boyfriend and your more comfortable now than you were before, and i could never have the courage to tell my mum, she will hate me for it and she has so much stress going on right now, that this problem doesnt really matter, thankyou for all your help, im happy i finally found someone who understands me!:)