Still Don't Know What To Do

When I turned thirteen I went through some changes, I was never close to my mother so I couldn't tell her that I've started my period...I stopped doing the sports I loved and soon I was gaining weight, not much though I just started having a more woman-like figure. I started eating less and then when I did eat more my stomach really hurt so I would go to the bathroom, bend forward and the food would just come out. I did that about three or four times, at that time I did not recognize that as some kind of disorder. A year later my sister got her new boyfriend, he always seemed to like me, I on the other hand disliked him strongly...He irrated me and always had something more or better to say everyone thought he was a genius. (Before I go on I should probably say my sister is four years older than I am and her boyfriend was one or two years older than her) After a year of being together she turned eighteen, now in our country it's legal to consume alcohol at the age of 18 but all the children start to drink at age 13, I was soon turning 14 that year (my first year in high school) All of my sister's friends were my friends too so obviously I partied with them that night, my mom picked us up (me, my sister and her boyfriend) and I passed out in my bed. The next day my body (down there) felt really weird and I had a strange feeling in my throat, from previous experience I knew this was not a hangover later though I would find out what that feeling was however. It was only a week or two later when her boyfriend visited her again, like always I stayed in my room almost all day when he came to visit (I really couldn't stand him) I played on my piano and computer. In the evenings I would go watch movies with them that we rented. We have a couch in our living room shaped like an L now I was laying on the shorter bottom end and my sister on the longer end with her legs on her boyfriend's lap. We all fell asleep during the movie. I was woken up by something, he was touching my breasts, I didn't know what to do, I pretended like I was just waking up and he quickly took his hand away, I went to my room and closed my door behind me. I didn't know what to think and I couldn't tell anyone I knew nobody would believe me. (I'm the youngest and since we where little it was always me who did everything wrong "I" always broke things or took things I wasn't supposed to, my whole family always taunted me of how I liked to show off but seriously not once in my life have I ever showed anything off, I can remember clearly it was always my aunt and mom taunting me about that, they went on and on and I could just barely keep my tears back, I was never really a person to show my true emotions. My aunt's two daughters where our "best friends" the four of us always played together but I was the youngest and they would always tell me to do inappropriate things and if I didn't do it they would be so mean to me that I would go hide in the bathroom) I think because of that I grew up to be on the anti-social side, I never really fitted in with the other kids. Anyway back to the story, it became more frequent he would come to my room when eveyone was sleeping, he would pin me down and then have sex with me, I don't know why I didn't do anything about it, I never struggled so I guess you can't call it rape, I only grew more agitated and distant I hated him more and more with each passing day. These events repeated for about a year, then my sister went to college, he went away too I was so happy. But then one evening when I was studying for my first term exams in my second year of high school I heard funny noises in the living room, I was kind of scared so I peaked through a window on the other side of the house and I could see my dad laying on the floor, I loved my dad so much, I was very close to him even though we didn't share personal things I feel bad to say that I favoured him over my mom. He died that night of a stroke caused from stress he got from his own company. I was devastated. After that I started throwing up again, that whole year and the next, by the next year I was not speaking much at all I was probably depressed, I still don't know, all I know is I hated the way I looked, I was disgusted in my body. I wanted help so badly but by that time I still didn't realize I had a problem, I think I wanted people to see so that they could help me but  I couldn't speak up. My mother found out at last, she told my sister and both of them hated me for it, they broke me down by telling me what a weak person I am for doing something so gross, again they went on and on. My mother threatened to tell my secret to the whole family and my school. She told me she would give me a chance to stop or else she'll tell, she didn't realize it was out of my control, I couldn't stop she found out I didn't stop and she threatened to have me hospitalized...But with this she always asked my questions like "Do you want to go to a shrink where crazy people go"-no, "do you want to be in a hospital like a pathetic person that can't control themselves or want attention?"-no, mom. All I wanted was support without being judged, I continued and just wanted to feel better, she told me once more to stop, I couldn't, my sister (also frustrated with me) told my mum I would stop if my mom brought me a horse, she did buy me a horse and today I still can't stop. Though I must admit since having India-my pinto filly, I am much happier but I still puke though not to such a drastic extent...Do you think I still have a problem?
Beanburger Beanburger
18-21, F
1 Response May 13, 2012

First of all, just because you didn't struggle or fight back, doesn't mean it wasn't rape. If you didn't want to do it, and if you didn't say yes, then it was rape. It wasn't your fault, don't let anyone or anything convince you that it was. It was 100% his fault.<br />
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I think you do still have a problem, but I am really glad that you are happier now. I am so sorry for all that you have been through, it must have been an incredibly stressful few years for you. You're not crazy, you've found a way of dealing with the stress, even if it is a maladaptive way of coping. I would've done the same. The problem with bulimia is that after a while it creates its own stress, which I think you're experiencing now.<br />
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It's really unfair that your mum and sister expect you to get better without any support, and it's not right of your mum to say that shrinks are for crazy people or those sorts of things. Plenty of normal people see therapists and psychiatrists when they're stressed or want advice on something.<br />
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Being as your family aren't offering you any support, is there anyone else you can trust? If you're still in school, do you have a school counselor or someone you could talk to? You can ask them if people over 16 have confidentiality in your area. You might even be able to talk to a community counselor for free outside school if you prefer.<br />
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If you don't want to do those things, you can always come here or try other internet forums where <br />
people who understand can talk to you. I hope things get better for you soon, feel free to drop me a line any time you like! x