At It Again.

Thought I knew better, thought I was stronger. Yet, I fall at her feet. Bulimia.

It felt awful all I ate. How I had to run to take a shower and let it all flow out. And there was a sick, twisted euphoria behind it. My dopamine levels must have rose. It was good. I felt at ease. After all, i'm getting everything out when I do it. All the pain. All the shame.

But it hurts too. My throat doesn't handle it well anymore. My jaw hurts from opening my mouth so wide and letting so much food back out. I'm tired. It leaves me exhausted.

On the scale tomorrow. Too heavy. Restrain. Hold back. Don't eat. Binge. Oh Damnit. No. I don't want to purge. Restrain. Fight the urge. Shower. Let it out. It needs to come out. Tired. No more. No more food. No more purging. Then. Hungry. Again. The cycle. Can it be broken?

I'm at it. Again.
CrazyHippieChick CrazyHippieChick
22-25
11 Responses May 16, 2012

I can really relate to this. Your piece really speaks to me. Especially the part about the cycle. I am currently feeling this "when will it end" feeling/can the cycle ever be broken. It is so tough. Best of luck to you

I can really relate to this. Your piece really speaks to me. Especially the part about the cycle. I am currently feeling this "when will it end" feeling/can the cycle ever be broken. It is so tough. Best of luck to you

You can't fight hunger. It will win. I found eating every three hours helpful. Small meals at first till your body is used to food. You won't gain weight if you eat healthy stuff. You can't purge everything you eat so lots of a binge stays in.

Message me, if you can

Tink about your digestive acids burning away your stomach and throat linings. Once the acid gets thru them, it enters your bloodstream and then its goodbye porkpye, lights out!

I agree with the person that said what a great writer you are. This is exactly what every bulimic person feels. You can recover. I'm here anytime you want to talk.

i appreciate it

The appetite that is never filled……<br />
<br />
Try to keep the brain busy…or go and do something physical. I have stopped for a long time now.<br />
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Rather keep the food down, as your teeth will also suffer, then a high dental bill later on and also weaken your heart. <br />
<br />
It seems to me that I stopped … when I started to follow a more spiritual life. (Not religious)<br />
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As in all things… one day at a time…..Just don’t buy or stock the food……..

thank uu

How're you doing lately?

ehh up and down

Thank you for taking the time to read my jibberish, means a lot.

I loved the style in which you wrote your post. The short phrases represent my cycles of quick hinge spells followed by urgent and quick episodes of vomiting and remorse. I am saying a prayer for you and your talent as a writer. Thanks for putting my thoughts- fears - and realities into such a simplistic and understandable terms.

D'aww thanks hunny. I'm trying not to purge. And trying to keep myself busy too. That helps somewhat. Thanks for the support and advice!

good woman :) hit me up anytime you need support, darlin'

will do sweetie

babe... I feel how much you're hurting, but you don't have to let it continue. This slip-up doesn't have to lead to more. Just go on tomorrow like it never happened. The ED will win you over sometimes - I know - but don't let it keep you for long-term. You can do it, love <3