I Was Bulimic...

For the past year, I had been bulimic on and off, for a few months at a time. It began with "just this once" and then began a cycle. It seemed to offer me a way to enjoy all the foods I loved and craved but without the risk of gaining weight. I have always been on the thinner side. I'm 5.8 and 125 lbs, but I never felt thin. All I could ever focus on was how large my hips looked. I hated looking in the mirror. The months in between being bulimic, consisted of me feeling that I never would look good. The "why bother" mentality was depressing. But, despite this, everyone thought I was happy and fine. I never truly felt depressed though. It was rather that I avoided thinking about my body and when I was bulimic, I just avoided thinking about what I was doing but rather how nice it would be to loose weight. I never lost a significant amount and have been at a healthy weight for my body structure despite my unhealthy choices. A few weeks ago I decided to stop. I know that it is a permanent stop because I am now working out and really have been a lot happier about my figure. I had never realized how small my waist was or that when I'm thinner, the curves really aren't bad. It was just a mentality that made my hips seem huge to me. I had never realized that I was always on the thinner side. Regardless of how my shape is, the thing is though that I lost a sense of what truly was the case. I was so fixated on how critical I was of myself, I never thought about the fact that others probably thought I looked fine. I was always comparing myself to thinner girls, and selective about only looking at thinner girls and wishing I was as attractive as them. I'm a lot happier now. It's only been a short time since I was bulimic but what changed was my mentality. However, I still am conscience about my figure and weight, but I'm realistic about it. What really scares me though is if I caused permanent damage. I did cause myself to throw up once a day for about 3 months and then again for another couple months after. My throat is a bit sore (funny thing is because I think I'm coming down with a cold) but that is when it hit me how stupid I was. I'm insecure about the fact that I was bulimic. I have never been able to tell anyone and I have put that chapter behind me- for good. I don't know if any of you guys are on the other side of bulimia but should I be concerned about damage I might have caused? Thanks!
easybreezybeautiful easybreezybeautiful
18-21, F
2 Responses Jun 13, 2012

I had it in my teenage years, actually i semi carried it on well into my 20's. Then i got married and occationally it would still grab me in my 30's. Absolutely hate pictures of myself. Ive taken all mirrors out of my life. Avoid totally looking at shop window reflections. i am a male.

Hi easybreezybeautiful, it doesn't sound like you have done it enough to have any serious complications. But that is not to say that bulimia isn't a serious disease. Are you sure you are over it for good?Because I thought the same thing, but it has come back during times of stress. I am here for you if you want to talk.