I Was Bulimic...For the past year, I had been bulimic on and off, for a few months at a time. It began with "just this once" and then began a cycle. It seemed to offer me a way to enjoy all the foods I loved and craved but without the risk of gaining weight. I have always been on the thinner side. I'm 5.8 and 125 lbs, but I never felt thin. All I could ever focus on was how large my hips looked. I hated looking in the mirror. The months in between being bulimic, consisted of me feeling that I never would look good. The "why bother" mentality was depressing. But, despite this, everyone thought I was happy and fine. I never truly felt depressed though. It was rather that I avoided thinking about my body and when I was bulimic, I just avoided thinking about what I was doing but rather how nice it would be to loose weight. I never lost a significant amount and have been at a healthy weight for my body structure despite my unhealthy choices. A few weeks ago I decided to stop. I know that it is a permanent stop because I am now working out and really have been a lot happier about my figure. I had never realized how small my waist was or that when I'm thinner, the curves really aren't bad. It was just a mentality that made my hips seem huge to me. I had never realized that I was always on the thinner side. Regardless of how my shape is, the thing is though that I lost a sense of what truly was the case. I was so fixated on how critical I was of myself, I never thought about the fact that others probably thought I looked fine. I was always comparing myself to thinner girls, and selective about only looking at thinner girls and wishing I was as attractive as them. I'm a lot happier now. It's only been a short time since I was bulimic but what changed was my mentality. However, I still am conscience about my figure and weight, but I'm realistic about it. What really scares me though is if I caused permanent damage. I did cause myself to throw up once a day for about 3 months and then again for another couple months after. My throat is a bit sore (funny thing is because I think I'm coming down with a cold) but that is when it hit me how stupid I was. I'm insecure about the fact that I was bulimic. I have never been able to tell anyone and I have put that chapter behind me- for good. I don't know if any of you guys are on the other side of bulimia but should I be concerned about damage I might have caused? Thanks!
easybreezybeautiful 18-21, F 2 Responses 1 Jun 13, 2012