Am I Bulimic? I Don't KnowI don't know what counts as bulimic.
Fifteen months ago my father died. I loved him more than anyone or anything on earth. We had a very close relationship. We were father and daughter, but also best friends.
I didn't feel like I could survive his death. I spent a week on a locked ward because I couldn't keep quiet about my suicidal thoughts.
For four months or so after that, I vomited almost every time I ate. It was like my body just didn't want food. I went down a dress size.
Gradually, that transformed into deliberate vomiting. I started making myself throw up whenever I ate cookies or chips. I still do this almost every day. I'll stuff myself with junk. Then I feel very aware of the weight of it in my body. When I vomit, I feel some anxiety lifting away. I feel in control, and like I'm taking care of myself. (I'm overweight.) I enjoy being able to go about my business without food in my stomach. It makes me feel sort of light and sharp.
I mentioned the purging once to my therapist. She seemed to forget immediately. I never told anyone again.