Am I Bulimic? I Don't Know

I don't know what counts as bulimic.

Fifteen months ago my father died. I loved him more than anyone or anything on earth. We had a very close relationship. We were father and daughter, but also best friends.

I didn't feel like I could survive his death. I spent a week on a locked ward because I couldn't keep quiet about my suicidal thoughts.

For four months or so after that, I vomited almost every time I ate. It was like my body just didn't want food. I went down a dress size.

Gradually, that transformed into deliberate vomiting. I started making myself throw up whenever I ate cookies or chips. I still do this almost every day. I'll stuff myself with junk. Then I feel very aware of the weight of it in my body. When I vomit, I feel some anxiety lifting away. I feel in control, and like I'm taking care of myself. (I'm overweight.) I enjoy being able to go about my business without food in my stomach. It makes me feel sort of light and sharp.

I mentioned the purging once to my therapist. She seemed to forget immediately. I never told anyone again.
Viola221b Viola221b
41-45, F
4 Responses Jun 16, 2012

You are bulimic. Sounds like your Dad meant a lot to you. In a way I envy you because I didn't have a good relationship with my parents growing up. At least you had that for a while. Maybe once you figure out all your feelings around this the bulimia will get better. Sounds like you are using it as a coping strategy.

Sounds like you may have pushed buttons for your theropist too. Theropists are quite often recovering people themselves. <br />
Well done, keep working at it.

Well I experienced bulimia far before my father died, but I think grief makes it worst. Also, my grandmother just passed away. I just posted a story about that. I think purging is a medical problem in itself, but made worse by stressful life circumstances. I haven't done it very often lately though.

Hi Viola 221b, welcome to the group. I can relate to losing your father, mine died April 2, 2010. I have also had bulimia. I am doing pretty well in recovery, but it is always there mentally. I am here for you if you want to talk.

Thanks for writing. :-) I'm very sorry to hear about your father. My heart goes out to you.

So, you've been having purging as a symptom of grief? Do you think it's a medical problem in itself? Or is it just a normal part of grieving?