Let's Begin Recovery

This is a mental disease. I am sorry you are all going through this. I was watching a documentary "What's Eating You?" and I want to cry for these people and cry for myself. I hate that I throw up as I'm sure you do. I know it's wrong I know that it's unhealthy and self-sabotaging. I vow every time after a binge purge to make it my last. But when I get the urge to binge it's like a different person takes over. Someone extremely impulsive who doesn't recognize the future only the now and the urge to binge.

I think there is something to recognizing the point before that happens. The very beginning of the urge to binge. To recognize the feeling analyze it, perhaps understand it better. All I know is that I've been doing this for eight years and I'm ready to stop. People put there efforts to things that they love and they do something with it. Something that makes their future bright. I am ashamed because what I am putting the most effort towards is rotting me from the inside out, straining my relationships and affecting my self image. It's time to stop. Tonight was my last binge. Next time I get a craving I will do the following. Drink a glass of water, write down what I am feeling, do a breathing exercise, and I will share it with all of you. Maybe I can start to recognize a pattern or at least disrupt the pattern I've created. I have no one to talk to about this and I would like a friend that understands. Someone I can journey with.
6 Responses Aug 6, 2012

I've been weak a bunch on times this week. I've also noticed that when I get into this deluded fr<x>ame of mind I pull away from everything! Friends, family, work, passions, even this website! Somehow I convince myself in that moment that I do not need nor want this things. I am thankfully that I can still pull out and have moments of clarity.

please feel free to talk to me about this :/ i also have no one to talk to who understands.... its scary.....

Thank you for the support. I think having this thing to write and look at will help. It's an affirmation. It is deeply satisfying when I am able to not binge and have control over my life when I get the urge.

I have been where you are. It is very tough. I found when I just decided thats it never again for me anyway the promise was hollow and I broke it. If you are able to stick to it kudos to you. But if you don't then don't be too hard on yourself this is really hard. If it was easy to stop you would have a long time ago. I found a few things that helped. One was to eat every 3 hours. It can be small meals. Like 3 normal meals and 3 snacks. If you are not hungry that goes a long way to preventing a binge. I found I didn't gain weight doing this because when I binged and purged I didn't purge everything I ate anyway. When you are starting try to avoid trigger foods. Then the next thing is to look at stuff not working in your life and try to deal with it. Its a tall order but it works. Waking up with the "urge" is just the worst. I hope tomorrow is a better day for you

I AM HAVING ANOTHER ATTACK. This time I think it's because I am home alone and I know that one one could possible know. I am affirming to myself that his is not what I want. That even if I do it I will be more upset after and that the good feelings are only for a short while. I want to cry I feel depressed and my head is buzzing. I will try another breathing exercise.<br />
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This time I tried Agni Sara Standing or Fire Energy Standing and kalabati. It really helped I feel much more calm and positive.

Day One<br />
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So today I woke up with the urge to binge and purge. For me that's when I know its really at it's worst. The thought will consume me all day until I give in. So what did I do? I grabbed a cookie that I had left over from last night, took a bite and thought to myself, "one more time isn't so bad" then I remembered I made I promise in writing. A promise I could go back and look upon, "Yup there it is, those are my words" So I decided I wanted this cookie but I would not binge (so I had two) and didn't touch the rest. Hey that is a small step! Then I remembered the advice I have given myself. Drink water, write down how you are feeling, do a breathing practice, ***** where you are.<br />
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So I've drank water . I am feeling very anxious about food. Depressed about my body, angry that I can't continue this lifestyle, angry that I want to continue this lifestyle, I feel alone and a little hopeless about life.<br />
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I am going to do a breathing exercise (pranayama) that I learned in yoga. It is called the bee breathe. It took only five minute and I feel much more relaxed. I'm going to do something now and not just sit in-front of the tv in a catatonic state.