Salty Water

I have been bulimic for four years. This past year has been the worst it's ever been.

It began when my mum moved away with alot of my sisters and brothers. At the time we were a big family (nine children, to be exact) and we all lived together, things were already difficult due to personal circumstances between ourselves. We were all homeschooled and living together, meaning we didn't have much otuside contanct, and our parents never got along and would fight like crazy (this would eventually be the reason my mum moved away).

So yes, my mum moved away when I was sixteen, I felt completely alone and ostricized from the world with only my dad, brother and a sister to talk to. For about a year and a half they ould be the only people I would ever talk to, and eventually I began to go a little crazy. I began to diet madly at the very beginning of all of this, I was fat and chunky from comfort eating in these difficult times and I thought I was very ugly. Not to mention my parents, either teasingly or really, would remind me and drop hints that I was looking "heavy" or "tubby". I hated being like that, and because I was under the illusion that Iwasn't good at anything else (i couldn't draw, write or sing like alot of my other talented siblings) I thought my only chance at having something to achieve would be weightloss. Subconsciously this is what I wanted to do. I didn't realise it at the time, but looking back, it makes perfect sense.

I began by starving by day, and eating a small portion of dinner at night of whatever was served as that was the only meal I couldn't get out of. I would probably last all of the week, and usually the last or second from last day I would cave in and binge (I didn't even know what that was at the time, I just knew I needed nourishment). When I realised this was not working I tried drinking vinegar and having small amounts of fruits and veggies in the daytime, still with a small portion of dinner. This worked better, but I still couldn't quite last very long.

Somehow or other I discovered on the internet how to purge, I had heard of bulimics before, but never thought much about them. Now here was the information and all I had to do was go and try it. And one day I did, I remember distinctly binging on white bread and sesame breadsticks (I probably needed the carbs) and going upstairs to try to purge it. When I put the fingers down my throat I gagged instantly and everything flew up. It began there.

I continued on my mad diet. Lost ALOT of weight. But still occasionally felt the need to "relieve" myself from hunger by binging and purging. This would only happen at the very most once or twice a week. I noticed I wasn't able to get it up so well after a while and figured my body was adjusting to trying to keep the food down. I got scared that one day I would binge and go to purge but not be able to get it up. I think I really would rather have killed myself then live with a stomach full of food like that. I looked up other ways of making myself throw up, and found that salt water works pretty well. I tried it, and it came up so easy that I instantly became addicted to this wonder concoction.

Four years later I drink salt water nearly every day in an effort to get my food up. Because I know it can be purged so easily, food is all the more tempting for me. It happens nearly every day now, at one point I was drinking salt water four times a day, at night I would drop into bed totally sick, dehydrated and nauseous. But I would continue doing it, and would lose evn more weight because it was so efficient and keeping food out of my body.

I am not very skinny, but I am the skinniest I have ever been, and it's satisfying knowing that. If I ever put on weight again I know I would probably commit suicide, this, and the drug effects of food, keeps me in the habit. I wish I could stop, I desperately want tos top, it has become a monster that totally dictates my life and robs me of having a full life.

I intend on going to counselling asap, but keep "putting it off". I know I'm scared of a life without bulimia even though the though of leading one without it sounds delicious (excuse the pun). One day, I will work up the balls to defeat it.

CafeAuLait CafeAuLait
18-21, F
1 Response Feb 18, 2009

I wish you good luck on whatever you choose to do!!! But ummm, the salt water thing... how does it work (when do you take it, how much salt...etc.) ... feel free to read my story and you'll understand why I ask..