I'm Jessica and I'm 22 years old. Recently diagnosed as bulimic.
I'd love to say that I hate this and wish that it just wasnt a part of me.
Wait...well...I guess I can. I'm torn between this.
I love it but at the same time I hate it.
It started out just restricting calories down to as low as 150 a day.
Then once I saw that I was losing weight...I began to up my calories to 500 a day but I still purged everything I ate. No matter how small. No matter how little calories it had...everything had to come out. After purging I feel amazing about myself. I feel so in control over everything.
I feel like I'm making progress.
But...the other part of me says that I know what I'm doing is basically self destruction. Its killing me. I've taken medical tests and such to show me the damage I've caused from 15 months of purging. I've cut my throat up and now it bleeds after purging and even at random times. My stomach lining is tearing up because of the acid. I was prescribed a medication for that, but I didnt get it filled. My vision gets blurry sometimes. I get frequent headaches.
I know the damage this is causing, but I'm not willing to stop.
This is like...a numbers game. Its all a game.
Or at least thats what I tell myself so it seems better than it actually is.
I count calories.
I count how many times I chew my food.
I count how many sips of liquid I take with my food.
I count how many minutes it takes me to purge.
I see the numbers on the scale.
So its all a huge numbers game.
I dont know how long this will continue.
Its not as bad as it used to be. I've purged only twice in 12 days.
I live with my boyfriend now. He knows all about my purging and counting calories and barely eating. He hates it and he made me promise to stop. So...I made that promise and I've kept it until two days ago. I dont want to give this up. I feel like its the only thing I've done right.
I've lost 60lbs....it feels nice knowing that it worked.
But I hate knowing that I'm killing myself.
If it kills me...maybe at least I'll die skinny.