Fat Bulimic.

I'm Jessica and I'm 22 years old. Recently diagnosed as bulimic.

I'd love to say that I hate this and wish that it just wasnt a part of me.
Wait...well...I guess I can. I'm torn between this.
I love it but at the same time I hate it.

It started out just restricting calories down to as low as 150 a day.
Then once I saw that I was losing weight...I began to up my calories to 500 a day but I still purged everything I ate. No matter how small. No matter how little calories it had...everything had to come out. After purging I feel amazing about myself. I feel so in control over everything.
I feel like I'm making progress.

But...the other part of me says that I know what I'm doing is basically self destruction. Its killing me. I've taken medical tests and such to show me the damage I've caused from 15 months of purging. I've cut my throat up and now it bleeds after purging and even at random times. My stomach lining is tearing up because of the acid. I was prescribed a medication for that, but I didnt get it filled. My vision gets blurry sometimes. I get frequent headaches.

I know the damage this is causing, but I'm not willing to stop.
This is like...a numbers game. Its all a game.

Or at least thats what I tell myself so it seems better than it actually is.
I count calories.
I count how many times I chew my food.
I count how many sips of liquid I take with my food.
I count how many minutes it takes me to purge.
I see the numbers on the scale.

So its all a huge numbers game.
I dont know how long this will continue.
Its not as bad as it used to be. I've purged only twice in 12 days.

I live with my boyfriend now. He knows all about my purging and counting calories and barely eating. He hates it and he made me promise to stop. So...I made that promise and I've kept it until two days ago. I dont want to give this up. I feel like its the only thing I've done right.
I've lost 60lbs....it feels nice knowing that it worked.
But I hate knowing that I'm killing myself.

If it kills me...maybe at least I'll die skinny.

JessicaMichellePhillips JessicaMichellePhillips
7 Responses Aug 28, 2009

Spoken as a bulimic, it doesn't always make you skinny. I've been dealing with it for going on 7 years now and I'm so so so much FATTER than I was before.<br />
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After a while, a switch flips and suddenly you find it hard to restrict. Suddenly you binge more and more and the shame of that drives you to purge but then you have a cycle going of binging, then purging. It's terrible.<br />
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I'd rather NOT EAT than purge. Purging is terrible. I just am having so much trouble stopping. I lie to those I care about or want to please that I'm making advances in quitting but really I'm just getting better at hiding. Sometimes I think I love it when I'm manic but then on my sane days it just makes me miserable.<br />
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You deserve better. We all do.

someone said you shouldn't do this just to be skinny. you don't understand eating disorders are a form of self injury. we feel like we're not good enough . and the only thing we know we can change is our weight . <br /><br />
purging is punishing yourself for eating too much. and if you cut/burn/pull or whatever that's your punishment as well. <br /><br />
its a lot deeper than just being skinny but nobody seems to understand that .

i am bulimic. <br />
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BULIMICS ARE RARELY UNDERWEIGHT. in fact, they're usually overweight (average, at best) technically. Bulimia is a battle you will not win with yourself, because no matter how much you puke or lose through water weight or purge through diuretics and laxatives, you will never be as thin as you "should" be for what actually stays in, and all the effort you put into keeping most out,

hey, I understand what your going through. Reading your story felt like it was me who had wrote it! Ive been bulmic for over 4 years and I can see the damage it causes me mentally physically and emotionally! It's not good. I also restrict alot now. I hope you can get better and get some help. Be strong. Twice in 12 days is a good start x

How long have you been like this? If not long.... trust me, try to see a nutritionist... that's what I am going to start doing, because it's only for so long that this numbers game actually works.

Yeah I know its a terrible way to think. I dont do this just to be skinny. I've done it for so long that I feel like its a part of me. I've tried to stop, but I cant. Mainly because I'm not completely willing to give it up.<br />
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Skinny may be unattractive to you, but to me its perfection.

Thats a terrible way to think. You shouldn't do this just to be skinny. Skinny is so unattractive. <br />
I pray you'll see yourself through