I Have Been Bullied All My Life..

Since i was about 4 years old in school i was bullied once i entered public school. I was a very small skinny little boy and because i was smart and nice and friendly many other kids would bully me because they were bigger or because ive always been a pacifist. They would make me do their homework or physically abuse me and took enjoyment from it. This was around the time my mother and father got a divorce and shortly after my grandfather passed away. As i continued into middle school the bullying got worse. Much more physical abuse except here they had formed "cliques" so to speak and i would try to go from clique to clique trying to find friends but no one wanted to be my friend, they laughed at me or gave me dirty looks. Until recently in my life i had locked all this away and "blanked" it out until now I had to really think back which i will discuss near the end. As time continued I tried talking to girls cause this was around the time i was starting to get interested in girls but someone would always come and do me one better or verbally abuse me till i backed off. I was not allowed to have who i liked. When i entered high school it was more of the same thing, i tried to be less nice and less smart and let my grades start slipping to see if that would help me cope and get others to leave me alone but it didnt work. They still somehow inherently knew i was a "bully magnet". There were many girls i liked and just to build up the courage to talk to them and then have another bigger stronger guy come and take them away with sexual vulgar things just didnt cope to me. So when i moved again and entered a different high school in 11th grade i decided to wear different clothes, not talk as much and hang out with the "popular kids". For a while it was nice, i had people coming up to me who didnt know me and saying hi, i always had people who had my back, etc, it was almost like being in a gang except no bad stuff besides being there for eachother. But as time went on i realized that i wasnt happy being this way because it wasnt me. I decided that i would go back to who i was after i finished highschool and survived and went to college. So in college i went back to who i was inside and dressed back the way i like to dress. The bullying still continued but by then between girlfriends who had hurt me, cheated, tried being physically abusive, etc I had already become numb to all of it. Nothing phased me anymore my pain and my anger had become null and void. I just laughed or said "okay" because bullies enjoy trying to get emotion from their victims. If you do not respond or get angry or anything in the way they expect you to then most of the time they will go away or give up. Keep in mind until recently I was not aware of any of this or that it was having such a negative impact on my life, my school, my relationships, friends, my family who also bullied me, even work was greatly effected because at work i was being bullied as well. So about 3 weeks ago i started a new job, i was at the end of my line of being able to cope with all this my whole life, and at this new job i noticed that this job was chaotic, no structure, people didnt follow the rules, at night they were abusing the patients but in the day acted like nothing was wrong. So on the last day of the first week on orientation while standing around a girl who was another staff member going through orientation just punched me in the face randomly. I just sat down like i always do and try to make sense of something that makes no sense and which i will never have an answer for. I went to my supervisor and he acted like he didnt care. He did not fire her or did anything to her. I wanted to quit but he told me to cool off so i went home. On the way home i had a mental break down. I was thinking things like, "why do these things always happen to me?" "i try so hard to be nice and a kind person to everyone and always bad things happen", etc. My mind was in overhaul trying to grasp for answers that werent there. So my mind shut down, literally, i had no thoughts, no emotion, no feelings my body shut down too. When my mind rebooted so to speak things started to make sense. God came into my life and i started becoming more aware of myself and my "flaws" so to speak. So i tried to go back to this job thinking that things would be better now that all my pain, anger, etc was gone from my past. But it only got worse at this job until i decided to quit and i left. So i go over to my friends house and tell her what happened and she help me realize over time, especially after my boss called and tried to illicit emotion out of me to get me upset by teasing me with bullying that all my life i have been bullied and until recently had locked it all away deep inside. Now a lot of my life and the world makes sense and now i understand why im never happy, why i over analyze people and why people often rub me the wrong way is because im constantly on the defensive, i expect everyone to hurt me or be a bully. I Hope my story helps someone understand their situation better and maybe together with knowledge we can try to make our lives better. I dont know what I will do now, cause now that i realize everything im not sure what action to take because im already so emotionally damaged and scarred. But i hope someone will comment and give me some insight. God bless all of you.
Outofbodyandmind Outofbodyandmind
22-25, M
Sep 11, 2012