I Choose Organic Food And Do Yoga And... Inject Cocaine.

  I am a uni educated (just finished my BA English lit) attractive single mother in my thirties who consciously makes healthy choices like doing bikram yoga and choosing organic food to make balanced meals.  I've struggled with nicotine addiction off and on but have cut down to infrequent social smoking and have not been intoxicated by alcohol since my twenties.

I have often been to parties or social gatherings where people offer lines of coke and have sometimes partaken and sometimes declined.  So thinking I was immune to this drug which, like nicotine: doesn't give much 'bang' for your buck, no real rush or effect (when snorted) I somehow in the last months began purchasing it myself and having it alone at home.

This monday just gone I drove my son to his father's place some hours away for his Christmas holiday, fairly keen to get back and have some of the coke I'd acquired for the season. Then, as I somehow must of known I would, I stopped off at a chemist that advertises diabetic supplies, got some syringes, and with increasing agitation and excitement (as well as horror and disbelief and self-talk warning myself of how insane this was) I prepared some coke and water to inject not even knowing what was a normal amount of coke to use in this way.

 

The rush was unbelievable, so much so that (not having done it before or even doing ANY research beforehand) I was absolutely terrified and convinced I was going to die.  Yet I didn't and continued to inject intermittently for some time.  At some point I made my way to the injecting centre in King's Cross as I felt I was really pushing my luck if I had more yet was unable to stop myself.

 

When I got home I had some more, and some more and then finally, after 2 grams and with one gram still untouched, I was able to stop.  I cleaned up my home which had somehow become a shambles and showered and made myself drink some juice and then I took the last gram to my partner to admit to him what I had done and to give him the rest to dispose of. Why I didn't just dispose of it myself was because I wanted to show him that I was clearly in the grip of addiction and but I was trying to claw back my dignity and my common sense and being able to resist the rest of it was a good sign that he shouldn't give up on me just yet.

 

To my horror I threatened and bullied him to give it back and drove to him to get it, came home again, prepared to inject. But it wasn't behaving like before and was just sludge. I rang him abusing him that he had put crap in it and was trying to kill me. And I knew that it was rubbish and not the coke i gave him yet i STILL sucked up what I could in the syringe and injected it, KNOWING it was was not the stuff and NOT knowing wtf it was.  He rang minutes later to say he'd already had the stuff I took him 2 nights ago and had gotten that off someone else and didn't know what it was.

 

I love myself, feel that I am a good person who is loved by my friends and family. I am intelligent and confident. I hate that I'm a bit lazy and quick tempered and I know that I don't utilize my abilities enough yet I accept these things about me and am even fond of my flaws for making me the way I am.

 

What could make a woman, a person, who loves themselves and also feels responsibility to her family and friends to be healthy and 'around for a long time' to be so reckless and so disrespectful of herself and loved ones.

What can possibly explain the contradiction of choosing organic food on the one hand, and IV coke on the other???? 

jazzybelle jazzybelle
31-35, F
1 Response Dec 24, 2009

wow. that was awesome