Ups And Downs

I chose to remain celibate until marriage when I was 25 and a half. I am a very introverted man but I am very gregarious at the same time as I enjoy a lot good company of close friends, though at the moment I don't have any because of my choice of celibacy before marriage.
Many times the sorrow of loneliness and poverty brought great temptations in my narrow path, I was very strong spiritually when I was happy, but anytime I felt sad and lonely I was very weak and prone to fall into temptation; I confess I committed adultery and fornication in my heart with the nude women on the net many times, and after every time I did it, I hated myself so much for being so weak and helpless, and I was very ashamed of myself and depressed many times. So one time after I committed adultery in my heart with a nude woman on the net, I decided I needed to put an end to this living nightmare and I subscribed to a christian dating site of my confession. First I met a virgin girl who was very interested to know me in the beginning, but the fact I was poor turned her and her family off, especially her father. After I met a single mom, she was very interested to know me in the beginning too, but she was very selfish and materialistic, and she did nothing to help me when I became homeless, whereas if it was her who became homeless and me who could help her, I would have helped her in a heartbeat without any second thought.
So one night I was there in the streets sitting on a public bench with all my stuff, and I was very sad and preparing myself to sleep in a public park on another more discreet public bench. And a woman came by and asked me if I had a lighter to light her cigarette, and I answered No, I don't smoke, so she went away and she came back a bit later asking me if I had a place to sleep that night, and I answered " No, I don't ", so she offered me to sleep in her place this night and I very gladly accepted it. Well, after a while I was shocked
to learn she was a drug addict when I saw her asking some cocaine to a drug dealer, but she seemed to be a sensitive woman so I continued to follow her to her place. She began to tell me she just did a bl..job to a man in a public restroom so that she could buy this cocaine to the drug dealer, I was shocked,
but as a homeless I was like a numbed survivor living on another planet, and I decided I still could trust her for now. She was looking for some syringes in the drugstores to shoot herself with the cocaine. She found some and we arrived at her place. Her boyfriend was not happy to see me, he was a drug addict too, and he told her he leaves so that she could sleep with me, but she told him I didn't want to sleep with her and I stay there just for the night.
She lead me to a nice room, and I slept there for the night.
Finally she gave me more time to stay, but well, after one month I think, her family came to visit her and her boyfriend lead me to stay in his apartment for 3 days. Her boyfriend had a tone of **** magazines in his place and unfortunately I fell into temptation of adultery in my heart with nude women, after I came back to her place, she showed me some **** videos, and I became addicted to **** again. So one day she argued with her boyfriend and he left her. It was night, I was 29 and celibate for 4 years and a half, she told me she doesn't get along well with her boyfriend, and the only way I could stay more time in her place is by sleeping and living with her, or else, I had to go; so she took a shower and came naked in the living room where I was, and told me I could sleep with her this night, so unfortunately I fell into temptation, and I slept with her. The next day her boyfriend came back and she was worried he would know what was going on, and she told me to go, so I took my stuff and came back to the streets. When I confessed to the single mom what happened, she felt betrayed and didn't want to get involved with me anymore, anyway I was the first one who felt betrayed by her absence of support when I became homeless; we tried many times to get together but it never worked because she and her family were hugely turned off by my temporal poverty, she lied to me many times and gave me false hopes of blissful happiness, finally one time she broke my heart to death with another man, and we never get married, and I'm still celibate to this day.

Now I'm almost 35 and it's been more than 5 years I am celibate since my last fall to carnal temptation. I still have great issues with my overwhelming feelings of sadness and loneliness though. The biggest time I was able to resist to adultery in my heart with nude women on the net was 4 months so far. I chose to not have the net at home at this time, and I used to surf on the net in public places only, but one Saturday night a thief stole my netbook and I had no other choice than to have the net at home again, and here again I fell many times into temptation of adultery in my heart with nude women on the net anytime I felt sad and lonely, even recently.
But when I'm happy I never fall into temptation.
Happiness is my strength, sadness is my weakness.

I'm very happy when I see I'm not the only one.

It's infinitely better to choose celibacy before marriage and protect the body and soul from unwanted pregnancies, awful stds, and venomous heartbreaks, than trying to learn true happiness the hard way with a lot of awful baggage in body and soul.

Thanks for reading.

StillasWater StillasWater
31-35, M
Jan 11, 2013